your love has captured me.

somehow all this math crap just clicks the second time around. sure, I'm still fucking up with certain numbers, but I understand the concepts and what I'm actually doing instead of just blindly filling in numbers. word problems are actually making sense. it feels good being the one who my friends in the class ask for help. it finally feels like I've accomplished something after a year of just fucking around. 

grade 12 is going to be a good year, I can feel it. there seems to be a whole other energy source propelling me forward so I can do well for once. plus, for the first year ever I actually have an easier course load. all arts and fine arts. things that I actually enjoy. well, except history and geo, but I need provincially examinable courses and I can find a way to make them somewhat fun. it's better than taking physics 12 or math 12 or something like that. although bio might be fun, if it weren't for having to deal with dead animals and things. 

sometimes it's hard to remember that I am physically female, that there is a difference. the fleshy bits on my chest really are barely there, although they're there enough to make me hate them on days when I feel really male. 
sometimes I wonder what passerbys label me as, do I appear even half as androgynous as I feel I do? I overthink when people hesitate to use gendered pronouns, are they really unsure? is it sad that this makes my day? even hardcore esl people who only use male pronouns tend to make my day. 
today was the first time I used the 'mens' public washroom thinking that it might be where I belong. I wasn't exactly sure if I should, but my mother actually urged me to (mainly because she didn't want to wait for me and the 'womens' was full. I doubt she even realized that this was a big step for me) is it sad that I really want to be able to pee standing up? being able to actually use the urinals would make me feel that much better about myself. I wish I knew if I was anywhere near passing. 

I feel like such a sap. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who realizes what today was. I might even be the only one counting. most likely. not that such small numbers really count. I mean, a month, that's nothing. except if it's time spent away... tomorrow. looks like this'll be a long, boring six weeks.. trying to survive might be a little hard. fuck, it'll be downright painful. just take it a day at a time..

<3 <3