and I'll send all my loving to you.

he feels so helpless. he watches as his great grandma struggles to even sit up. a week ago she was fine, but they just waited too long to help her and her feet and her legs. her legs have way, she cannot walk or even really stand on her own. even to sit down properly she needs help so she doesn't slide off. she hates it, she says I have to carry her like she's a baby. she doesn't know what's happeing. according to her she's 20 years younger and it's year 2003 right now. it's just depressing. 
on another note he realizes he can't come out to her. ever. his great aunt tells her that he's going to be in the "okama" which means gay, parade. she starts laughing like crazy. she'll never understand. he doesn't know what to do. it's fucking terrifying. his entire family from his grandma's generation and older seem to think that gay is funny. it's like being in a grade school classroom where everyone's giggling at the word because they don't understand it. his entire family doesn't understand it. maybe his mother, maybe his uncle and soon to be aunt, but that's it. he wants to scream. he wants to run away from it all. he wants to seek refuge in a little queer village in the forest. 

he wonders were the crossover between super dyke and hipster is. he fears he may be venturing into it. most of his friends are known hipsters, he's attracted to plaid like a fly to shit, and everything his friends seem to love have mostly been part of his love too. his mother has been questioning him for quite some time "are you sure you're not a hipster?" but now he is not so sure. has he crossed the line into hipsterdom?? only time will tell.

he waits. less than four weeks now. about 24 days until she touches home soil. he wishes he could be the one to welcome her home, hold a sign at the arrivals terminal at the airport. he wishes he could throw her a welcome home party for that day. he knows that he's lucky if he gets to see her in the next day or two after she gets back.. he knows that it's still a fair amount of time left before he should even be thinking of any of this. the truth is, he's been thinking it before she even left. so what if it's not even halfway to when she'll be back, he misses her. he has dreams where everything goes back to wartime and she suddenly appears and he has to wisk her off to a dark ally to get a chance to kiss her. he doesn't even know exactly where she is. all he knows is that sometime in the next 48 hours she'll be flying farther away from him. he'll know when, he'll feel it somehow. he'll worry every moment she's up in the air, he'll worry every moment until the next plane ride, he'll worry for every plane ride and stay on the other side of the world. he'll keep on worrying until she comes home, until he knows she is safe.

<3 <3