he puts himself out there. everywhere he goes, he feels the eyes judging him, labelling him as female, and he gives them his resume. he is vulnerable and it's not a feeling he enjoys. he wants to be able to right down somewhere in his resume to explain to perspective employers who he really is. they only want to see one side, they don't bother to really see him. he wants to run, to keep running until all of it goes away, until he sees something worth stopping for. right now, it's all just a mess. he doesn't hae the energy to clean it up. he wants to find somewhere that is clean to start off with, and so he waits for pride, the only time of year where he doesn't have to explain himself to the rest of the world. he dances amonst the other bois who don't really know what they are. he feels at home surounded by drag queens. and the glitter and the paint are his mask from reality masked from where there is hate in the world.
the sea calls his name. in whispers no one else can hear. it calls to him, beckoning him in. he has to fight every urge to give in. he doesn't trust himself around that much water. he wishes he could, but then he remembers. he renembers just how much he loved the water, how he was at peace for once, how he let go. when he let go he just forgot the world. but they had to ruin it, they had to bring him back, they had to make him breathe. they told him there was more than death to escape it. so now he cannot be there, he cannot let the water flow over his body and make him feel powerful and at peace. he has to ignore the water, no matter how much it wants him.
<3 <3
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