I'm half the man I wanted to be.

he sits home alone on yet another lonely tuesday night. he knows that the place he called home, the people he called family for years are out celebrating, out on a boat to say they're almost done with highschool. he feels he should be there with them. he feels scared that it's their turn to be doing so. he doesn't know what to feel. he dissappears into a magical world of fae to escape having to comprehend what a disaster his emotions are in. he's not ready, he's stunted, hasn't done half the things he should have done. he feels so illprepared compared to everyone around. he wonders how they do it. he's done. his mental capacity can't take any more. nothing matters anymore, he just needs a way out. looking back at the meetings with the only cousellor he ever trusted he realizes he still hasn't thought of himself actually having any future after highschool. he wonders if this still is a big enough role in his life to have him still on suicide watch. but he doesn't want to be the one to kill himself, he just wants to cease to exist. he wants to fade away into thin air and never have to make a plan, never have to see what the future holds.  he died at a protest in his last life. with occupy vancouver just around the corner he wonders if this life might be the same. he wonders if he will have to deal with the tortures of future. he begs the hormones to go away, pleading with them to free him from this trap of falling harder and harder girl after girl. he just can't take it. he prays for the need to be touched, to feel pain to disappear. yet he still longs for blood to drip in a steady path down his collarbone, two perfect semi-circles to reveal the source. he fights and fights himself, there will be no winners. it's a fight to the death. <3 <3