dignified sips of his dignified peach and lime daquiri.

on one hand he knows he needs to take some time and try to heal from all the broken relationships he's jumped to after one another. he doesn't know if he's ever really gotten over girls without finding another to pour all his emotion into. on the other hand he's looking for someone to take away the shitty feeling he gets every time he remembers that he's failed yet again. to be queer and single in highschool is the worst combination. sometimes he just wants to throw himself at anyone just to feel wanted for the first time in what seems like forever. then he realizes there are some feelings behind the throwing himself at girls and he's confused again. is he just lonely and looking for someone, anyone, or is he still trying to think of this one like his ex because they share a few major interests? the again there's the slight possibility that it might be for real. does it make sense to take that chance?

he's not over her, that much he knows. he just doesn't know if he ever can be without trying to replace her. he doesn't think that "replacing" is possible. she was- is different than anyone he's ever met, that was one of the things that drew him to her. he doesn't quite know what he should be doing or thinking. every moment passing brings them a moment farther apart. he can't stand the not knowing what's happening to her, what she wants, if she still thinks about him the way he thinks about her. there's a line between love and in love. he might have crossed that line without realizing it. he's gotten to the point where her name or picture will leave him breathless and have his heart pounding for her.

the pile of work stays the same, he doesn't even seem to care anymore. things are being put into perspective, leaving the workload to seem not so large anymore. he still can't get off his lazy ass to do anything about it. he still doesn't get that this life is real, there are no test runs or undo buttons. he hasn't let it settle that this is it. maybe his brain can't process the immensity of life right now.

<3 <3