so pretty much decided that I hadn't done a hardcore coming out story type thinger. here goes:
LG comes back to reality in tsawwassen after being all sheltered and shizz in aznville for 4 years, and then starts to be around people who actually who know what drugs are, have had forms of sexual contact, and don't do exactly what they should. she starts hanging out with a few girls that have actually labeled themselves as bisexual. this idea is totally new to her. the only time she had every even really come into contact with anyone that was 'gay' was the kid everyone hated in gr.7, the one she would beat on daily because she wanted to fit in and it seemed the 'gay' everyone said he was was a bad thing. so here's this little innocent, oblivious girl, best friends with the gr.8 bisexual whore. let's just say it didn't take long for me to start questioning. one day a bunch of us were at the local boys and girls club and she was on e, and she leans over, and her face is inches from mine, and I don't know what she wants, so I poke her nose. she stands back up and is all like 'what the hell I was trying to kiss you!' and now I'm terrified and my voice is shaking and I manage to mumble ok. next thing I know, she leans over again and our lips touch. and then she's gone, on the other side of the room. what was I supposed to think? this girl had stolen my first kiss and I didn't even know if I liked girls. after that day she referred to my as 'hetroflexable'. I mean, I totally thought gay emo boys who looked more like girls were hot. that meant I liked guys right??
eventually my mom found out that she was dating a girl (cause she added all my friends on facebook). and she was making a song out of it. 'my name's rachel. I swing this was, I swing that way'. it hurt to hear her say that, like she was personally attacking me. I guess something showed on my face, because a bit later she was going on about if I had a bunch of bi friends, did that make me bi too? so I tried to explain that it wasn't because of them, but that I was. and of course she banded together with my christian friends to tell me that it was just a phase. ..she was right, how could I ever think I liked guys??
the beginning of gr.9 my mom asked me who I currently liked. I told her this new girl from southpointe who was in my drama and gym class.. and the guy who was hopelessly in love with me because I felt I had to since he followed me around like a puppy. she went on and on about how it would just be 'too difficult' to date a girl, so I should go out with the boy. that never stopped me from being in love with the girl still over 2years later. XD
for the rest of gr.9 and most of gr.10 I basically just screwed up. I smoked a fuckload of weed, drank more booze than I'd ever seen at one time outside of a bar of liquor store, and binged on boys, trying to be the girl my mom wanted me to be. although I always fucked them JUST to piss off my mom in some way, shape, or form now that I look back on it.
eventually I just couldn't do it anymore. I was never happy, I'd been cutting more and more, and it was getting boring to be rammed by some guy I barely knew in some public place, or someone I'd only met that night's house. plus it was not good for me emotionally to have never been in a relationship that I hadn't cheated in. then there was the whole issue of having lost more than half of my partying friends due to getting fucked and screwing the wrong people. friends who I had called best friends were harrassing me on a daily basis, calling me a whore, cum-dumpster, prank calling me, putting shit all over the internet. still I'm paying for things I did back in gr.9 and the very beginnings of gr.10
then one of my friends who I'd become pretty close with after my downfall said she liked me. it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I didn't need to force myself on guys. they made my life a living hell, I had no physical attraction to them, and the only good thing about them was it was a way to get off. which I could do with girls. so I stopped trying, and gained enough self-respect to believe I could actually deserve to be with girls. I AM LESBIAN!!
that girl soon enough because my girlfriend. and I was actually happy, my friends could tell, something about me was just different. all the time I would be all cutesy and giggly, and gush about how much I loved her. we were so clique and adorable it prolly made people want to barf.. if they knew. she wasn't ready to be out to the world. family: yeah, some friends: yes, but random strangers and people who might not accept her: no way in hell. but she got me to stop smoking and such just by me wanting to be with her in the time I would be doing those things in. and it all eventually came to a messy end. even if we were still best friends. like always, I got over it eventually (but not before being choked that she finally came totally out and had a new girlfriend she wouldn`t have met if I hadn`t wanted to go to a gay youth group with her so we could see each other more since I`d moved to richmond.)
before we had started anything I talked to my mom again. I told her that I didn`t actually like guys, I liked this girl and I was most likely going to date her. once again she thought it was a phase and told me that she wouldn`t be able to support me when we grew up, I had to find a nice rich BOY my age. or just take a break from dating. so I hid it from my mom the whole time. I would invite her over when my mom wasn`t home, or hang out throughout the day,sometimes after school before my mom was home, or whatever it was that day. my mom was so fucking oblivious.
after she broke my heart and it had started to mend again, that girl from gr.9 because my whole life. there was nothing I could do to stop falling harder and harder for this girl when we`d both loved each other so long. my whole life lead up to her. she got me into a dress. just for a birthday.. her birthday. the first time she kissed me I swear I was going to burst. I think that was the day her dad told us to calm down when we were being all giggly and touchy in the backseat. I miss those car rides where we`d hold hands in the bask seat and her parents wouldn`t notice. but I let my paranoia talk to me and tell me she doesn`t really want me, or else we would`ve been actually dating. then I fuck it up, and it`s all gone. she`s gone.
that leads me up to now. lonely, flaming, and in the midst of trying to get a GSA going at my school. my veryvery straight school. mainly because my mom won`t let me back out to west van to go to GAB.
next step is to come out to the rest of my family and bother to correct my teachers when they go on about me and boyfriends.. but everyone who needs to know, knows I`m supergay.
guys. please guess what songs the post titles are from.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or just comment. XD
<3 <3
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