raindrops.

so I totally wasn't falling asleep while typing yesterday... if it made no sense don't blame me. anyways... the bitch still has my laptop cause why else would I have one but to let her use it ALL THE FUCKING TIME!?!?!?! just like that last one, which she used more than me, threw and broke, then told ME to pay to have it fixed. 

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why she is the bitch (amongst other things)

so other then that.. shit day was shit. woke up late to the pouring rain, sub that pissed me off in drama, back to shitty seating plan in english, no lunch, still almost failing physics, didn't get to get coffee, apparently have to put a shit ton of work into like all my subjects cause 'I'm a smart girl and I can do better, but I just don't manage my time well'. well fuck you guys too. I'm sorry if I hate this fucking city and I just want to be home where we have GOOD drama, GOOD higher level English, and a freaking fantastic choir. not to mention, actually have psych and mechanics. oh and all my bloody friends are back there, and no matter how much I try and how much a couple people out here are kinda like tsawwassenites, it's not the same. oh and constantly being moved about and never knowing what's happening enough to be able to settle myself at a 'home' doesn't help. and even when we do find a place to live we're almost never there, so how do you expect me to do homework and do well in classes I don't want to be taking in a school I don't want to be going to??? any brain capacity that could be used to learn is being used trying to keep the bitch from boiling over since she can do that at a moments notice. and subjects I really don't want to take anywhere that I'm failing I have to work so fucking hard to try and keep up and pass that everything else is being dragged down. right now I'm hanging on to all my courses by my fingertips. quite honestly I don't even think I want to, let alone can, graduate anymore. what's the point?? to forfill some stoopid requirement society has to go into the 'real world'??? we're living it every day. and being in school is harder than anyone's job ever. adults prolly couldn't even do the work we do now, let alone adding in the factors of trying to find who you are, your true friends, fighting the raging hormones. they would die. yet they get mad at us when we don't forfill every last thing they want us to do. BULLSHIT!!! so they try to barter to get their way.. "if you can bring up your mark and show you understand from now on I'll pretend term 1 never happened and erase the fail." because that's gunna help me learn the two years of stuff plus first term that I ddnt understand. I'm behind for a reason, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing!!!! jeebus. they all think they're the only important one, and every past subject want everything I have put into it. I have nothing to start with after giving it all away bit by bit in past years. so there's no way I can put the effort in. so they guilt me and make me feel like shit for not doing all they want me to do. then wonder why I resent them. fucking pricks. oh and while you're at it might as well make me decide RIGHT NOW what I want to do for the rest of my life, because you guys obviously got it right the first time. in grade 11. when you had no mental, emotional, or physical energy left to give. that is why I hate school. that is why I hate life. and that is why I want to get the fuck away from the bloody school system. besides, what's wrong with the picture when you can drop school altogether without parental permisson at 16, but you can't drop a single class to take it online where you might actually understand it without permission from both your parent and your teacher. 

those tears hiding right behind my eyelids, bursting out at the end of every class, everytime a teacher tells me how badly I'm doing now, and every night when I relive the day are all your fault. fuck you, school system. fuck you, conformity.

oh and then come home in the dark and rain to another night where I'm still almost starving, but too afraid to ask my mom if I'm allowed to have more to eat. then it gets interesting. while I was staring at my homework, trying to decide if it's worth it to do I hear a bang. look out the window to see a few cars with hazard lights on. climb up on the table and see a huge crash. one car just finishing sliding with the entire front end smashed in. smoke or steam or both clouding the view. so I run downstairs and tell my mom, who decides we should go check it out. we get down and dial 911 as we go. eventually we get the story and the police get there before we head back home. girl's driving down the street through an intersection on a green light. buddy with a 10 year old and a 3 year old in the back runs a red light and hits the girl, spinning her so she's head on to the traffic and has no front of the car. then by the time we're there he tries to say it's her fault. and she should be sorry because he has kids in the car. fucking prick. girl's crying and in shock and still trying to meet up with her friend she was on the way to meet. and freaking out thinking that the cops will blame her because of the stoopid guy. good thing we peaced when we did. didn't want to talk to cops or firefighters and stuff. just hope it's all ok.

the world is soooo bloody unfair. and it sucks, but everyone learns to put up with bullshit. why should we have to? we should be able to freely do what we want, who we want, and have things go acording to plan. but they don't. people judge each other, some give into the fear of being judged, and everyone leaves off hating everything. good fucking life?? I think not. 

rainbows and tacos and sex.

<3 <3