circus.

soooooooooooooooooo bloody cold on set today. and wasn't REALLY worth doing it... I know it's like an extra $70-something but to be freezing and stuff for that long, taking away time I could've been studying, in class, and packing for moving in two days (cause I still have tons to pack.) but at least I met some chill people.. in the rain. but at least I got fed today.. although there was a wall of people in front of the heaters so it was bloody cold. and got tarot readings done.

need to figure out how the hell to make things work. pass my classes, motivate myself to do anything, get drag performance put together for santa's breakfast, get packed and move (even though I want to fucking kill anyone who even mentions the idea), be in tsawwassen more, get out of going to hawaii, go roller skate. magic pill?? dunno. any ideas let me know. so bloody disoriented and tired and running out of time for everything. need to pick up my report card tomorrow since they wouldn't let me grab it before I left today. not at all looking forward to it. how the bloody hell am I going to pass gr.11??? honestly, all my friends are freaking brilliant and beautiful. and then there's me.... stoopid, ugly, good-for-nothing loser. everyone around me is complaining about only getting 85% on tests or whatever, then there's me: lucky if I can even pass it. each day I go to class, I end up leaving trying to fight back the tears. I want to do better, I just can't do it. my whole life I've been trying to make everyone happy. get the grades my family wants, take the courses my mom wants me to, do all these stoopid modeling things that make me hate myself a little more each time. plus every single day I have to play slave. and people wonder why I can't just get it and do everything. even better, they don't understand why I'm different. why I'm not a silly little sheep, following every stoopid trend and following the heard over the cliff to an untimely creative death. 

conformity: the act of giving up, letting others decide who you are, what you believe, and every little thing about you. you have no such thing as a mind. your very soul has been sucked out of you by the starving carcases of  what were once human beings. 

welcome to my pity party,

<3 <3