the only doom that looms is you loving me to death.

he just doesn't know how to explain how she makes him feel. everything good about the world seems to have collapsed in on one thing that he doesn't know how to understand it. all he knows is how much he wants to spend every waking moment with her. he can't think about anything else anymore. she is his drug, his addiction. for the first time in years he has been victim to idiots being homophobic assholes. he couldn't do anything to stop them but hold on to her tighter, hoping to protect her from their words. "are these two lesbians? I think they're lesbians. are you lesbians? ....... does that mean you have sex? dayyyyyym.... I'll take that as a yes!!!" stripped of his manly confidence, he still could not be put in a less than perfect mood for more than a few seconds.  with graduation coming up everyone is starting to panic, he just can't focus on the school work anymore. he'd much rather just spend his days writing or making things to give to her. that's the only he could see himself making it through the last three weeks.  <3 <3 

we live in a beautiful world.

he hasn't had the chance to catch his breath and he isn't so sure that he even wants to. everything happens at once, when he least expects it. nothing even seems real anymore with how high on everything he is. it all just blurs until he forgets what day it is, only remembering how few days of high school he has left before he's supposed to go off to the "real world" and figure out all of life's adventures.  finally getting a chance to breathe after the mass of homework, he has found that occupying his time with communication is a good way to go. he's learned to have a bit of a social life for the first time since.... well before he can remember. after the next three weeks he'll most likely end up actually going out and seeing people. he really should be preparing for spending way too much money on things he could go without, although that would require caring. he really doesn't have that thing with money where it control almost every aspect of his life.  being so close to the end he's starting to get a little anxious about it all. the things that he'll be getting into in the next year with either school or a change in continent have him starting to panic a little bit inside. it's all so foreign to him, even the idea of life beyond high school.  <3 <3 

I wanna be your lover.

he's all out of his wits, not knowing what he should be doing. his heart's saying a few different things, his head tries to hide from them all. he wants things to be easy when he knows they never will be. the law is technically not on his side but he wants to just forget about that one little thing. he wants to just forget it all and stop dealing with emotions at all.  he had boat cruise. one of the events he's supposed to hold dear about his grad year, yet he didn't even feel much about it. the  best part was seeing certain people. except there was crap music (and not even the tolerable kind that he could flail to anyways) and the crew was practically staring them all down on the deck enough so that he didn't want to stay up there. he disappeared when cameras showed up and tried to find alone time whenever possible just so he could breathe. somehow he just really wanted to spend a little time with about... 5 people. he's been so tired, so out of it after the AP exam. he doesn't feel like life is really happening anymore. it's all coming to a close around him and he's ending up getting lost somewhere amidst it all. this whole graduation thing is freaking him out. less than a month before he's officially graduated, a month and a bit until the last of the grad events. he's just not ready. even being one of the eldest in his grade, he can't wrap his mind around it.  <3 <3 

and I'm sorry I can't be perfect.

it took him playing a rapist in a mock trial to admit to himself that what happened years ago was rape. it took three whole years, three years he could have been on the road to recovery. three years of feeling useless and completely hating himself and needing to prove some sort of strength in any situation he could. now he's admitted it, although he doesn't know what the next step is. it doesn't change the fact that for a whole year he had been throwing himself around not caring about his own body, just trying to make others happy. it doesn't change the fact that he made himself miserable just to try and be what everyone else wanted him to be. it doesn't change the fact that he got himself in to more trouble than he could ever imagine trying to keep everyone happy. he's admitted the truth, but he can't move on. he needs the world to understand just how deeply he has been hurting, tearing himself apart trying to figure out some magical answer to make everything okay.  he's opened his soul to those he doesn't know if he can fully trust yet, hoping that taking a leap of faith will pay off in the end. he's so battered and bruised that he can't seem to make sense of it, yet somehow he just knows that it'll be worth it. somehow he knows that things will all be okay.  <3 <3 

it can't be that bad.

he's so hard on himself, trying to have all the perfect things. he's trying to make it all seem flawless when in reality everything he is is flawed. now all he sees are the flaws, nothing else. he's sick and tired of himself so he takes it all out on his imperfections. he focuses in on the little things and just hopes that something good will happen. he's stressed beyond belief, yet he doesn't know how to show it so no one seems to realize just how much he's going through to keep from doing anything stupid. he's just so tired and so close to snapping.  two days and he'll be okay. two more days of school before he can finally relax and unwind a little. that's okay. he can deal with two days, it's just the fact that there's the exam so early in the morning.. <3 <3 

wail at the moon.

he's been so crazy busy trying to keep up with it all that he's completely forgotten entire segments of every piece he needs to get done. he has projects and test completely ignored for no reason other than the fact that he doesn't care anymore, he's just looking for some sort of escape from the grind. all that he really needs is something to make this last month not complete terror. he knows he has a test the second-last day of school. he knows that he has a project two weeks overdue. he knows that he needs to get his shit together soon before his grades suffer beyond saving. it may already be too late. he isn't ready for all of it.  being someone who performs as just another part of life, not because he chooses to, this scholarship interview really isn't all that difficult. he knows the strings to play, the things the judges want to hear. he knows his subject backwards and forwards and he knows how to lie his way through making the judges believe he really wants to pursue the area in his own free will. he's so lost behind it all that he doesn't know what he wants from anything. he's tired and lonely and overworked. he just really needs Thursday night to make sure he doesn't explode.  <3 <3 

living with not dying from disease.

he's come back to the place where he's so close yet so far away. he could get on with his life, cut those last couple strands, and be completely free. in if few more days he might be cutting those strands for completely different reason. he doesn't want to take the chance. maybe one day he'll tell her what they mean, one day when he can bring himself to bring it up. for now he'll try to make those last few days, as if he doesn't have enough to distract himself with.  he can't even find the time to relax with all the craziness headed his way. Monday looms just around the corner while he's scrambling to choreograph and memorize, basing the next year of his life around how well he does. then the AP exam he's had the whole year to prepare for but hasn't bothered to even try until there's too much to be done to fit studying in. that exam quickly followed by a project he has no ideas where he'll manage to get any work done in his schedule. finally, the boat cruise to celebrate the end of the most difficult week of his life thus far.  his mother decides to spring things on him when he's least expecting it. once he commits to a school, a plan for the next year he gets hit with a "if you don't get scholarships you can go live in brazil for 6 months, that would be a good experience." he doesn't know how he feels. he's glad to have such a beautiful option, yet he doesn't think he can figure it out alone. he needs someone to understand his traveling habits.  <3 <3 

breaking my back.

he'd been trudging along thus far, trying to gain some sort of insight as to the world's need for him. before he knew it the days passed by and now he's merely days from  his dogwood presentation. he hasn't prepared a thing an he's scared shitless. he needs the money badly.. everything he does is a little bit more of a fail at life. he's not ready for any of this shit yet.  <3 < 3 

like I knew that I would now.

he doesn't even know how to deal with his emotions. he goes to this place of extreme femme everytime he highly, highly enjoys something. if he is around girls that he likes he'll make an ass of himself acting way too girly for the rest of his life, he'll swoon and giggle and become overly sensitive. if it's a movie he just squees with no end in sight. he'll squee and curl up and clap his hands with his knuckles and make noises only heard from the girls in anime. charters in books or movies or tv shows make him love them to death until he hates them. he'll end up literally crying when he sees their face because he loves them so much that he hates them. he just has a lot of feelings. most of his feelings are for things that he knows he cannot have. when by the odd chance there is something thy he likes that he ca have he goes into panic mode and automatically fucks everything up. at least after a while. he can't even stand how many feelings avengers gave him. he literally came out of the theatre wailing about things being perfection, turned to the side, saw a cardboard poster of all the avengers, hugged the Natasha side, and screamed marry me. then continued to wail and hug it for a good few minutes. there's picture evidence.  his teacher gave him a psychological analysis today in class. basically the teacher said he has a hard exterior and no one can mess with him. he has power and manliness more than any other physical female the teacher had met. although apparently deep down he has emotions and he can be hurt. he wanted to laugh at it all because he doesn't see the hard shell at all, yet he really has been looking for someone to acknowledge the bits of manliness he possesses. that one teacher so far is the only one to mention it in almost a year. it felt too good.  <3 <3 

goo goo gajoob.

he's not quite sure how to deal with so much technology at once. he's had two years of getting used to his iPod and now an android phone seems so odd. he has so much he can do and so many options, it all seems so foreign to him. he understands it, but he can't quite understand that it is his phone. he doesn't feel like he deserves anything worth anything much. he's never had anything but the cheapest of everything so he's trying to understand how this is something that he could be allowed to have.  he doesn't want to really leave the place in his life he's in. he's not ready to go off and make something of himself after a year of such struggling to get anything done. he's so sick of the job action and the shit of grade 12 and making sure he graduates. like, fuck. he doesn't even really care if he graduates that much at this point, as long as he doesn't have to keep being reminded that this year, one of the worst for the educational system of BC in a long time, is his last.  <3 <3 

you are unforgiven.

he's so unprepared. everything that he's been told his entire life seems as if it is happening all at once and he doesn't know how to control it all. he's falling behind in school, in life, in everything he's ever tried to do. he's already 18 and he's only done one thing he's ever really been proud of, which was writing a play but even that he's slightly doubting. everywhere he turns he feels like he's gotten lost, there's no signs to guide him in the right direction. not that he expected it to be all that easy, it's just that he'd pictured that this time in his life he would have it figured out and pulled up his grades to a place to be proud of. he's let himself down and trying to make excuses for it by saying that his school change screwed him over. it's time that he needs to just sit himself down and take the blame for being a fuck up. no one else is to blame.  these days he can't seem to look in a mirror without wanting to cry. there's just so many sides to him that want different things. he wants to look in the mirror and see the masculine curves in his face, see the makeup as the only way to tell he isn't just another boy. he wants to looking into the mirror to see long, flowing hair and perfect skin. he wants to be a mix of everything until no one else can look at him without being confused. he can only see beauty in the bits of non-conformity.  <3 <3 

in the end it doesn't even matter.

he tries to get a little more into a body he can feel comfortable in. his mother complains about it all. he wears mens jeans, she flips, he wears mens deodorant and she tells him he can't put it on in the bathroom because he doesn't like the smell. he's trying to just do what you were  he's so tired these days that he can't even function. everything blends together until he can't even tell the difference between weeks in the past and the future. he's just so done with everything the world seems to have to offer.  everyone around him is spreading their wings to take off on some magical journey through life. somehow it seems to be everyone but him. he really has no will to even finish the year anymore. the academic route has no appeal to him when he can get all the things needed for an education online. even though the access is there, the way society works does not base anything on knowledge, only who can afford to get big fancy degrees. he's so sick of this bullshit that life drags him through on a daily basis.  <3 <3