my love affair with everything.

he stays up at night waiting, running his fingers through his too soft hair. he waits for the day he can get out of there and let that mop on his head grow knotty, grow it out like a good girl and then ruin that all by forming the little dreads he's been in love with for almost his entire life. he can't wait until no one can give him disapproving looks when he struts around the house in boxers and fuzzy legs. he can't wait any longer for those moments. then he realizes how petty it all is, he's worried about appearance and gendered pronouns while small children are dying because of the horrible living conditions. their injustices are greater than his own and he hopes that somehow he can make a difference. he asks about the weekend, only really listening when it gets to the events that he would give his heart for. he tries to focus on other things, but it always goes back to those same old moments. the moments he would be living out his second life for.  he sees conversations, girls telling each other that only a good Christian boy would be worthy of dating. but he isn't a "good Christian boy" and he never will be. is he not worthy of love? he may not believe there is a god still looking over us all today, but he believes in treating a girl right, is that not enough? in his heart he knows that the more he tries to rekindle the past, the friends he's made through church youth groups, it will never work out. as soon as they know what he is they distance themselves, even the ones he's know from a very young age. he hopes they will try to accept him, let him join in on songs about things he can relate to the rest of the world. for some reason singing for organized religion is the only time where he feels like it's worth it all, all the conflictions religion has put him through in the past.  all the fear. he hides from the people surrounding him, withdrawing, pleading with them to both help him and ignore his plee. he doesn't quite know what he wants from them, only that he needs them in some way. he hopes they'll be able to stick around the shot he puts them through. <3 <3