every day I see my dream.

he's fighting a war with himself, with his body. he hates the way people notice how skinny he really is when he's forced to wear tighter clothes, he hates the way he has curves in all the wrong places when he looks in the mirror. he hates the bulge where his abs would be if he produced enough testosterone to build muscle mass without a lifetime of dedication, it reminds him every day that his body was designed for children, it reminds him of that moment when he was completely sure he was just months away from a child of his own and he'd named it and loved it and started to talk to it. that bulge reminds him that even though his anatomy tell him he should carry children, because of how skinny he is, he fails even at that. the bulge reminds him that any time he wants to stand up and be a man, no one will take him seriously. then there's the boney ribs that jut out behind a thin layer of veins and skin. he wishes he could gain weight, gain it without having all the fat go directly to areas that make his body appear more feminine. every day he curses the body that he inhabits, wondering why it's so far from anything he could possibly be comfortable in.  in a way he's starving himself, telling his mother he's not hungry when his stomach feels like it's beginning to eat itself, but at the same time he's bingeing every so often. the media tells him his body's not good enough to be a girl, his body's not good enough to be a boy. he can't help but to feel worthless. he tries to avoid mirrors when ever they are not completely necessary. they only bring the pain. pain that only heavily lined eyes and painted on lips can fix. his control, his expression. he tries to remember the last time he was completely at peace with himself. his mind comes back with a no results picture flashing over and over in his head. he misses the days when he was a young child, when girls and boys all looked about the same, before the drama, before the judgement, before anything mattered. he misses when the worst thing that could happen was having to go home early from the playground, or being the first one done snack and watching everyone else finish.  most of all he misses when he was young enough to not realize his body implied that he was a girl. he misses just hanging out with the boys in the sandbox, playing with tonka trucks, chasing girls with worms and spiders. he misses when the scariest thing was trying to skip two bars on the monkey bars. he misses when things were simple.  <3 <3