I hope you know.

there's only so much that he can feel at once, yet emotions try to sneak up on him from all fucking angles. honestly, emotions can just fuck off now. any time soon. but they're here, he's pretty sure shit's not gunna change easily. he never knew that he could feel so much all at the same time, it's freaking him out a little bit. he doesn't know which part of what his gut says he should go with anymore. there's so many different directions his life could go in from here... well a few anyways (especially since for almost fucking everything he needs a C or C+ in math.) fucking summer school only gave him a C-. besides school/ career wise he has options in all sorts of things though. the main thing that confuses him these days is girls. he has no clue how to read them, half the time he doesn't even know where he stands with them or if they're slightly interested even if they're being painfully obvious. the only way he understands is if they actually say it or if they kiss him. he's kind of the most oblivious person in the world when it comes to understanding girls, but whatever.  he started reading a blog he followed a long time ago but never gets a chance to actually read. it's kind of the best thing ever. not only is the blogger a 20-year-old trans*man prostitute, but he blogs in detail about his encounters. it's almost like porn. gay, trans*y porn. except a little classier than that. it's completely beautiful and he could spend the rest of his life reading and not feel the least bit like he was wasting any time. the only problem is the fact that it makes him want to present male and be a manly top. he isn't quite sure what about trans*men and women he finds so beautiful, but he doesn't know how to even compare that beauty to cispeople. he almost wants to just try being full out trans* just so he can feel beautiful like that for once. although he knows that it would kill him to misrepresent his gender like that, the male pronouns would make his entire existence more bearable for a while. it's all so complicated.  he really doesn't even know what to say when people ask what he means by queer anymore. yes, he would have sex with any gender or sex. no, he doesn't not have any physical attraction to the majority of cis-males. yes, he loves girls and trans*girls and trans*men to pieces. no, he cannot manage to develop any type of non-plutonic emotional relationship with men. polysexual? gynosexual? is there even a word for it? the not knowing is driving him crazy.  and then there's the confusion that is gender. agendered apparently isn't hard enough, so why not add in the love for crossdressing and cross-crossdressing. he can be a drag queen or a drag king. he enjoys the idea of male, but he knows that he couldn't feel okay identifying as binary. so he just says asexual. it's easier that way. <3 <3