the heat of summer finally arrives and he doesn't know what to do with himself. he has never been one for the summer and the sun. this summer, there's the added concern of trying to pull off a more masculine presentation. the heat keeps forcing him to show little bits of skin, the job forces him to be all girly and friendly and most days to achieve that he ends up wearing an actual bra. he doesn't feel attatched to his body anymore, it's as if it is this whole other person that he's trying to get along with. he just can't do it, the body is eating him alive. he's learnt to enjoy his free time by himself. his alone time let's him forget he's put in the body, lets him believe the body he inhabits is the one in his dreams. sleep is still that one place he can feel completely at home.
he racks his brains for an answer, for a reason. eventually the only conclution he can come to is that people have their own lives, they don't revolve around him, people don't sit around all day to talk to him. they all go away, they take off for places he could never imagine unless he sees. he wishes he could see what they see. he wishes he could go on adventures in beautiful lands with his two best bros. he wishes he could see anyone really, the vacation is starting to get to him. he needs to come out of his summertime hermit shell before it's too late.
the week ahead has no plans, no ideas, nothing to keep a set schedule. this scares him, he doesn't know what to do without at least a basic structure. the OCD in him is going crazy trying to keep things as orderly as possible. he's one step away from exploding, the point where everything just seems out of control and out of repairability. he's preparing for the big breakdown. the changes are as numerous as the tears are plentiful. Teddy bears don't fix anything, sometimes the only way to defuse the situation is to have the real thing. human flesh seems like the only thing warm enough to melt through.
<3 <3
No comments:
Post a Comment