faking a smile, in denial, the damage is done.

the last 24 hours he's been told more people love him than any other day of his life. the funny part is that with so many girls trying to cheer him up all that's come from it is a few hugs and a smattering of fake pasted-on smiles so they can feel they did something. they just can't seem to fill that hole left in his heart, the yerning for her. he just waits for the sound of her voice, the air to settle in a way that he can feel the oxygen actually going into his lungs. he'll wait and wait. there doesn't seem to be much hope that that day will come. he doesn't want to admit it to himself but it seems clear that he did something, he doest know what, and now he's blown it. he'll see her in the halls every once in a while, sit in a classroom she happens to be in, and he'll pull on a mask so no one can see the tears his soul needs to shed. boys aren't allowed to cry, so why should he? no one will know about the tears already shed. he keeps secrets between himself and his stuffed animal family. 

somehow he knew he would eventually fuck up. he just didn't think it would be something he can't even figure out. he didn't think it would be bad enough to keep her from keeping any communication. he didn't think it would end like this. he needs to know, needs to wrap his mind around what demon lives within. they tell him he deserves better, that he will find someone who is good enough eventually. they don't know anything. they don't know the way he found home, for the first time since he left his of almost 7 years, in her arms. they don't know how her soul speaks to his. they don't bother to see at all. they make him angry. she may be done with him, but he will go down to the grave defending her, trying to make her see just how special she is. he'll wait for the day where she might just reach out and grab his hand once again, if it be platonic or not.

he just keeps hoping it's all a joke, that someone will pop out and explain that it was something everyone was in on. or that it was a dream that if he waits long enough, he will wake from and things will return to the way they were. he might be kept waiting, waiting for a long while. he checks the clock, checks his phone, email, and facebook for her name in his inbox. every time it comes back with none. he reloads and refreshes every few seconds, hoping to find something new, something to piece together this puzzel he just can't seem to solve. 

<3 <3