just kinda realized it's already been about 4-6 weeks since I cut my hair. it's already grown at least an inch. I'm gunna have to decide what I want to do with it pretty soon. yes, my mom wants me to grow it out, but she's thinking to look all girly pretty for grad. the only reason I'd want to grow it out is so it's long enough to dread after grad. honestly, this time next year I'll be walking into knotty boy and getting it done. but on the other hand it'll have that awkward in-between lengths thing. and I might end up having a weird mullety thing for awhile. that means miniponytails every day. so maybe I should just keep it short until after grad, then grow it a bit so it's at least three inches. preferably a good five of six since my hair is all super soft and straight, which makes dreads staying in my hair all that much more difficult. I don't even know.
good tsawwassen day. finally met eamon. we are going to be pretty tight, I can tell already. don't know if he'll end up one of the people I can REALLY talk to, but at least he thinks I can win in a fight against maddy. that and he doesn't question my manliness. that's pretty much a best friend in my books right now. there is a definite bromance starting there.
ended up finding the creepiest toy on the face of earth. it's a mcdick's toy from 2005 and its tummy has a mouth that opens and closes. it's a tummy nom. makes my life a little bit.
the gender crisis continues. not only do I not exactly know how to explain my 'gender' to people without sounding completely insane, but I just keep thinking about how for years I've been thinking of myself as one of the men of my family. there's my grandpa, my uncle, and me. this is confusing for me. I refer to myself as genderless or even genderqueer sometimes, but I feel I connect with the title of male more. male pronouns mostly. gender-neutral or male pronouns are the only ones that feel right. female ones just seem a little like a slap in the face. it just really bugs me that so many people I hang out with have pretty much labeled me as the girl who wishes she was a boy, when I feel more like a boyish human who happens to be in a female body. a very female body. today a lady was talking about us and said girls and I honestly felt like I might just have to explain that we really weren't 'girls' at all. took quite a bit to just ignore and keep looking for the backing for my 12g. the worst part is, no matter how much more I connect with my male side, I've gotten so used to desplaying my female side that it's almost impossible to break out of. even appearing completely androgynous is difficult most of the time. all I really want is for people to wonder which end of the gender spectrum I more represent. that just gets shattered everytime I see people and they call me by female pronouns and such. so I kinda just want to pass as androgynous to male, yet I always seem to be seen as female. fucking anatomy. AND THE FLESHY BITS ON MY CHEST!!! they should just go die and be replaced by pecs, but they insist on just chilling and adding to the "fuck you, deal with female body now." the only thing about being male-bodied I wouldn't like is the genitals. I want the muscles, the deep voice, the facial hair, the flag chest, ect.
<3 <3
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