in this day and age everything is about sex. the girls wear as little clothing as possible, the boys want the girls in as little clothing as possible and then take off their shirts to flaunt muscles. every song on the radio is either about sex or falling in love or breakups. almost every add on tv or in print has some form of sex appeal. it's more than a little sad.
people gossip mostly about who's sleeping with who, whenever anyone is seen with anyone else the first question asked is if they've had sex yet. there is almost no such thing as romance anymore. if you mention liking someone, it turns into wanting to jump their bones. even simple sentences with no dirty intentions get taken the wrong way.
I know I've been pretty bad for all of this. I had my time where everything was sex, where I actually felt I had to have sex every day because someone else wanted it. I got named the town whore for a while. still, I use sexuality to cover up any awkward moments. it's a mask that is generally very easy to put on. I honestly don't know why though, with my history it should be the last thing I'd want to use as a mask. maybe because there aren't all that many emotions tied to it for me. straight sex didn't really do anything for me, and I guess I'm still at least half a lesbian virgin. not that anyone really knows. everyone just assumes that lesbian sex is a regular occurance or some shit.
sex actually terrifies me a little bit. it gets more complicated with two female bodies, you can't just stick a dick in somewhere. I get nervous just thinking about actually doing it. what if I do something wrong? if my 1 1/2 year fuckathon taught me anything, it's that sex doesn't mean anything unless it's special, and love-fueled, and you actually want to give everything over to the other person and become one. the physicality generally comes with a bunch of emotional shit and it's not worth it if everything's not perfect.
sex happens way too fast these days. I miss the days where people would spend the time getting to know everything about the other, forming an intense emotional bond, learning to completely trust one another, and waiting until the right time.
(this is the part where I get all girly) I want to wait until I can trust someone with every little piece of me. until someone loves me for all my messed-up, gender-confused glory. I want it to be when I know them almost as well as I know myself, when I don't want to be with them, but I NEED to be. I want it to be at a moment where there is nothing else separating us and it becomes the final act in the proccess of fully becoming one. like the joining of the two parts of the soul. I want it to be perfect.
really need to stop having so many girly days in a row, starting to fry my balls. whatever, I'll just turn into a total sap and everyone will just point and laugh and it will be life. no big deal.
<3 <3
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