I think I love her, I might love her.

he is not a product. he has been forced into the view of the camera, having pictures appear out of nowhere. he does not understand why. they tell him that he is a beautiful girl and his pretty face can get him far if he has the skills behind it. he doesn't want this life. so long has this been his reality that he doesn't know how to escape. everyone assumes this is his passion, his life, his love. none of them know that he secretly despises every moment of it, it makes his skin crawl. he will admit to a skill that is a little more than average and apparently he has that pretty face. but the spotlight scares him. he wouldn't mind it if the goal was just to get a message across and use the artistic angles to make a statement, but that isn't a living in that position. society has made the goal money and fame and selling souls for making a name. none of this interests him. he is really quite shy with strangers. he is too lost trying to find himself to take on so many other characters. he does not have a high enough self esteem to think he is worth being put in this spotlight. he doesn't believe anyone ever wants to look at him. he is told that he's wasting potential, agents want him if he'd just put in the effort to get some headshots and pictures compiled. 
it is a war in his head. they want him to agree with the she they see. they want feminine and sexy and beautiful. they want to box him into a girl box. he wants to be the man, wants to change his look as he pleases as he gets closer and closer to a place he feels comfortable presenting as. they want him to stay the same, have the look the same as the pictures. they want just another girl to be hopelessly dependant on a boy or a boy's opinion. he wants to run far away from this ideal. he wants to find a way to make a change in such a cis-sexist industry. he wouldn't mind the pictures so much if it were in drag, if he could present male. he knows that what sells is sex, he can't do sexy as either gender. female just makes him want to cry, male he can't show enough skin to be enough. he has no place. 
he wants to be behind the scenes, writing, creating, moulding the future. he wants to bring art and thought into such a mindless thing. he wants to educate the world. 

he has to settle for sitting in a corner and waiting for things to happen. settle for waiting for the future to unfold. it fucking terrifies him. 

<3 <3