somehow everything's my fault. I wake up around 11 and I'm ready by 1.30-2ish when my mother says she wants to go the first time. then she decides she needs to put pictures on facebook right then and when she's ready at 4 she gets pissed I wasn't ready waiting for her. I'm not going to just wait for over 2 hours. then she proceeds to blame it all on my not being ready on time and how I'm not able to get ready when she wants to go ALL FREAKING DAY LONG. things are closed/closing: my fault, she can't find something: my fault, I can't read her mind: my fault. FUCKKKK. it wouldn't even matter if this was a one-time thing or anything like that, but it happens every day. I've been living with it my whole life and I'm so fucking tired of it. one more year and I'll find a way to get out and be living away. I don't even care if I have to have a bunch of roommates again, just as long as it's not my mother.
at least I still haven't had to go grad dress shopping. kinda hoping my that she just forgets about that for long enough for me to figure out what I want to do and try to come out to my family. it would be great if my family was behind me in my whole purple tailcoat shinanigans. doubt it'll happen, but might be worth a try.
summer school starting up. scared shitless. spending a couple hours a day learning about math is fucking bulshit. but the government is made up of a bunch of pricks who like to torture kids and make them need such high levels of math that they'll never use. fucking idiots. don't exactly know if I'll be needing a graphing calculator or not, but I borrowed one from the twins and there's games on it for if I get too bored. at least heather's there to make it all bareable.
everything is pride today. no clue why, or where exactly this came from, July 4th being a huge day for pride, but I won't complain. morrismore models has a float :) alternative models on a pride float just sounds like an amazing time. feel like I should be working in my "I'm a real boy" shit, but I'm too much if a lazy fuck. instead, I'll just think about it. maybe even make something rainbow tomorrow. everything is queer and nothing hurts.
so this morning I wake up to see that one of my old best friends wants to be friends again. we kinda had a huge falling out when his boyfriend at the time kept getting me drunk/ high and we'd end up sleeping together. when he found out he would have his friends attack me with phone calls, messages online, and even loud conversations aimed at me when they saw me in town. at first he even physically attacked me, leaving me in fear of what he'd do if we weren't on school property. I knew with all the rings he wore he'd actually turned a kid's face into hamburger meat before I met him. after a year and a half of this, he wants to be friends again. one side of me just wants to share the love and leave things in the past and be friends and not worry about the past since we're both different people. then there's this other side of me that wants to be cautious. it wants to keep protected incase this is just another trick to humiliate me. it doesn't want to forget, and may never forgive. I don't even know what to do anymore. I told him maybe we'd catch up or something. we'll see what happens. it shouldn't be this hard.
there isn't much time. about half the week. somehow I have to come up with something spectacular to remember for the six weeks, I just have no clue what. it would help if it weren't swelteringly hot all the freaking time. the nikki needs to think.
<3 <3
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