change. for bigger things I don't exactly deal with it well. moving ONCE is already hard enough on me. after that I was terrorized. honestly, that first time was more than enough. that was also the biggest. first time living with a roommate, moving to a city we hadn't lived in before, going to a new school RIGHT when I'd managed to settle into the right crowd. it pretty much almost killed me. not to mention I started living a life that made me realize just how good I'd had it. it was the best school I've ever heard of. no fucking joke. so no wonder after the first day away I was already bawling, hoping for any way to get away from that hellhole.
now I realize I will never get a gr.8 buddy, I will never get to tape gr.8s to the wall, I will never get a chance to get a good part in an actual good production. also, every piece of costume that I'd given life to is no longer recognized as mine, my voice is no longer part of the choir, the art room doesn't have that extra big of sexualness. I will never get to walk around the oval for grad, go to validictory at the baptist, or have a grad picture taken with the class of 2012 across from the school at the field. I will never get to grab my heart on valentines day, audition for extrav, or see mr.bundhoo retire. I won't ever get to skip class to teach the kids how to squaredance.
then there's the more personal things that are my fault.. I will never get to hold her hand again while the rememberance day assembly is on, trying to help her be strong enough to not cry as much as she wants to. I will never again get to cheer her on as she goes into some crazy improv dance routine any time a song with a beat comes on. I will never get to take her to grad. I will never be with her for boat cruise or winter formal. I will never get to be part of her grad writeup. I will never get to see her in class and hope somewhere deep inside she is thinking about me.
then there is the second time I moved. honestly, by then I stopped caring. I didn't bother to completely unpack. this wasn't home, not the place where she had made me feel like I belonged in that moment. it's just another place tearing my sanity to pieces. my soul felt like it had been ripped from my body.
this is one of the contributing factors to my total dickery towards her, towards everyone. I stopped believing in good things. I stopped thinking anything would actually happen that I wanted. I tried to make her pay attention to me, give me enough of herself that I wouldn't realize there isn't enough of me in this body. I was not smart.
now I'm supposed to uproot again, when I'm at my most vulnerable. my grades have already taken the beating, my health tends to do the same for awhile, my heart is completely shattered, and there is nothing I can call my own. most of the time I feel I have nothing. so then rip another layer away, leave me naked and spurned. I will play the role of the perfect little robot. I won't feel the emotion behind the tears.
this is the part where the law should be taking over, giving me a full two months to figure shit out. not gunna happen if that bitch keeps getting away with whatever she wants. someone needs to stand up to her. I would do it if I had to.
this is the end.
let me talk about what's on your mind. guess the songs from my post titles.
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