I've been a bad, bad girl for so long.

too much rebecca black...makes me want to tear my eyes out a little, but it's so annoying and addictive.. FAAAARCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

in other news SPRINNG FUCKING BREAKKK! except not for me because I have to study. yeahh.. sucks. it really does.

got the whole rant about post-secondary and my failing 3 subjects and all that from the family today. it was greeeeat... I just love how they don't even bother to think that it's fucking hard and the teachers aren't teaching in a way I can understand. I really struggle to keep focused and I need someone to keep it interesting so I will actually do work, or work on it one-on-one. that doesn't happen so I fail and I cry because I'm not used to failing, and then IU go home and get yelled at about it. like I don't feel bad enough about it. school system, family, so insensitive.

before that spiel my grandma was going on about grad dresses.... I had to practically hold my mouth shut to keep from screaming at her that I didn't want a dress, I want to wear a tux. I want to have the most beautiful date, give her the best night of her life, and walk in with everyone's eyes in the whole room on her. I don't want to deal with an annoying dress, have it take away from my admiring her perfect smile. I don't want to spend weeks looking for some 'perfect dress' that I feel completely uneasy wearing, that makes me want to slowly rip off my own skin. I'd love a tailcoat, and a bowtie would be amazing too :) how exactly am I going to break this to my family? I mean, I'm not even exactly out to them. then telling them their little girl doesn't want to be the little prom princess... it's scary to think of their reactions. considering they pretty much let me have no option but to have the exact career path they want for me. and trying to make me think the only was to be successful is to make a lot of money. I don't give a fuck about currency, life is valued in love, success is measured in happiness. happiness for me is to be free and do what I want without worry. Happiness is being able to express the feelings inside where I can't feel completely at ease in this body all the time. sometimes my physical sex varies greatly from my gender. I just want to abolish the lines between male and female and just be labeled as human.

stress stress stress.

questions? ideas/ themes/ topics/ etc??? send them, keeps me from rambling about things that make no sense. hit me uppp and let me know. then guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or comment below.

<3 <3