so my mom has taken my laptop hostage for the night (she was using it and she won't let me have it back till tomorrow) so I have no idea how long this will be seeing as laptop print is a lot easier to tell than iPod print.. anyways, here goes.
I wore a mustache to school today. along with my gangsterish hat, awesomesauce green plaid guys button-up hoody, and neon yellow tutu. apparently no one notices how bright and odd I am anymore. it amuzes me. I wonder if anyone will notice when heather and I wear suits to school. which reminds me I need to buy a suit... a man suit. those stoopid girly wannabe suits piss me off. if suits were supposed to define curves they would have been all made that way. a lot of things about girls' clothes piss me off... the jeans are always wayyy too thin, the jackets are all cropped or too thin or once again trying to define curves. shirts tend to not come more than an inch below jeans line unless it's supposed to kinda look like a dress. oh god. dresses. why?? IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE BREEZY!! that's just bloody awkward. if forced to do it I at least need shorts underneath.
and then... I told my mom the difference between nerds, geeks, and dorks. I shall now expand that farther.
a nerd is someone who is really smart. they do their homework right away, they do extra credit work wherever possible, studying is fun, they would rather study than go out, and the most social outings they go to are math or science conventions or competitions. most people groan whenever they start talking about something complicated because their explination seems even more complicated.
geeks have a few awesome things they obssess over, and they can go on about those subjects for hours on end. basically a geek is a fan or an expert on something or multiple things. geeks tend to flock to other geeks, not always with the exact same geekeries. (geekerys?) gahh. however you spell it. the basic idea is that pretty much everyone is a geek for something, just some people geek out a lot harder than others.
dorks are pretty much just everyone else that doesn't fit into society's vision of 'normal'. we dress different, act different, have fun differently, generally geek out and fan over things 'normal' people think they're too cool for. we sometimes end up seeming completely insane, and we don't mind. dorks cannot have shame. unless you are a closeted dork. which is a shame. because lambs are boring. more people need to release their inner dork.
which leads me to my whole theory of the box (as in think outside the box, box). I not only think outside of it, but live quite comfortablly outside it. when girls wanted to play house and dress up, I played with ants and spiders. when they were good and obeyed the rules, I got detentions for the stoopidest things. when everyone started hanging out on weekend and going to parties, I sat at home and read till after the sun came up. when they tried to do well in school, I proceeded to talk to the teachers and not get any work done. when they started to decide what they want to do for the rest of their lives, I took on projects now that people twice my age couldn't dream of. I pride myself in standing out. I TRY to blur the lines of gender. I refuse to let the school system brainwash me into conforming to society. I don't want to work a 9-5 job, have a family and picket-house fence. I want to make a difference, fight for what I believe in, and shower the world with realizations of the beauty around us. so what if I don't know what will become of my life, even from one day to another. I will break every cycle of normalcy and boringness. so stick the box in the closet and bomb it all. let us all party in the middle of a giant pile of rainbows and awesomesauce. :)
but there is that one tiny bit of me somewhere deep inside that wants to fit in. yearns to just be able to hide amongst those who are the same. to not have eyes following, watching. for everything to be that much easier. to be able to have a path and follow it, or love without the heartache of public disaproval. be able to throw myself completely into emotion without having to hold back and wait until no one is watching, until it is safe. and then I lash out, wondering why I was so different. why can't I have it easy for once? but greatness comes at a price. you must earn your way to happiness. and those of us why dare to follow ourselves instead of others will get a greater reward, once we fight through. and then once again, I can smile, even if it isn't 100% genuine.
THIS is why I can't stop loving her. the hardship we face, in time will only make us stronger. it will be worth it. and even now the sound of her voice, the way she walks, how beautiful she is, and even the way she types when there is no other form of comunication. for each moment, it is worth the agony. be free and fly.
just don't think jumping off a building will give you a head start on your flying. it doesn't. believe me. or even ask anyone. just don't do it.
smiley faces and rainbows <3 <3
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