ok. so if you want, you can read my about me, but that's me now.
this is going to be me, the past. scary, I know.
well at least if you know me...
As a child, I was odd. I liked to play with bugs and go around saving worms after a rainfall more than playing house, my best friends were all boys, and I didn't exactly figure out I was a girl (and know what that meant) until about gr.2. I'd like to that my stoopid, dumbass, loser father for that. Thanks for taking off before I knew who you were. By gr.3 I had actually made a couple of good friends and together we dripped with bratty mischief. Of course after that year my mom decided to move me out to richmond for school. \My first day I had a detention. I don't deal well with change. Throughout the next three years I had a few 'best friends' who turned out to be total flakes and ultimately lead to my first big bout with low self-esteem and depression. I tried to drown myself in the public pool (didn't know that drowning yourself is impossible then) and started cutting, a nasty little habit that came and went for years. Gr.7 was a little better. partway through the year I managed to fit in and get more comfortable with people. for what felt like the first time in my life, people actually cared a little bit. By the end of the year I was regretting my decision to come back to tsawwassen for high school. quickly that changed, after meeting some amazing new people and awakening my lust for the female anatomy. still, it was hard to fit in, yet the people were worth it. Gr.9 my whole world fell apart. my mom's ex(who she had dated for like 7 or 8 years)'s son was killed in an accident. A drunk rcmp officer hit him on his motorcycle and he was killed instantly. after that any respect for order I had was lost. slowly I started to spiral down in a cycle of drugs, booze, sex, and self-harm. substance numbed my mind to the world around me, also numbing the carvings into my skin. wading in this pool of instability lead to the lowering of my already shattered self-esteem, which in turn became the reason to turn myself over to other's wishes. lost my virginity, thanks to brandy. unconscious ambulance trip with alcohol poisoning and hypothermia, courtesy of gin and vodka. screwing up school with a little help from mary jane. not to mention screwing just because I thought someone wanted to somewhere in my mind. eighteen months that ended in an addiction to nicotine, a reputation not to be wished on anyone, and many, many broken friendships. everyday became a battle: try to quit something or at least cut back, try not to get caught, try not to fall asleep in class from only having 2 hours sleep from sneaking out all night. In the end it was worth it to pull through. I figured it out. All of it was a cry for help, screaming for someone to help me realize. throughout my binge of boys it had all been because they wanted it, there was no physical attraction, no love, no emotion. It was not me, just society with their giant box of everything 'inside the box' trying to make in into another cookie-cutter lamb. In order to be me, in order to set me free from the destruction I had to know. I am a lesbian. I am proud. I can make a change. I can help free the souls left in the war zone, being shoved and shoved towards conformity.
I won't say life will be easy now, just that the worst is over.. hopefully.
more recently. this week has been full of suckage.
monday- running down the street late for school in the rain, with too much to carry to be able to put umbrella up. freakout after failing yet another couple of quizzes which I didn't have the time to study for with all the shinanigans going on. yelling match with my mom (like usual). no one showing up for rehearsal and no one warning me of that and someone dropping out so we fail even more. which lead to ranting about how nothing's gunna get done, I'm going to fail all my classes, etc. pink hairdye/spray stuff going everywhere and taking forever to do anything with.
tuesday- ended up napping in class for a good 30-45mins. just because I literally could not function anymore. body shutting down from stress and sickness and overworking. and then when people actually showed up for rehearsal this time, found out no one was informing me of \ANYTHING!! so an important character dropped out of the play I'm directing, the dates to perform were when I couldn't really make it and no one had even discussed it with me, then proceeded to spend an hour arguing and frantically trying to find other days. which didn't work. then fights at home about my failing math mark. oh yay.
wednesday- actually made it to school on time so thought it would be a better day. nope. not happening. zombieness through the whole day, basically being told by my math teacher that I'm too stoopid for the class, I'm wasting my time. There's no way I could pass. loved her confidence. and just when I though I didn't have to stay afterschool for one day in the week, was supposed to work on japanese script (which I fail at anyways). the person with the script didn't show up. went to the art room and then got called by my mom and told to be outside in two seconds when I was elbow-deep in clay. then two more calls, resulting in my having to run to chase down the car and then go look at a place we can't afford to live in. cause yes, I do have to move from my house I moved to two months ago because they sold it. of course my family was there, my grandma told me she hates my hair and I was stoopid to put fake pink in it since it didn't all come out. thanks. came home to mad working on homework. exhaustion, yet again.
thursday- slept in. again. got blamed for being behind when I was waiting for my mom. again. got told I'm grounded if I don't do the impossible. again. found out I have to miss my best friends' one act festival because my teacher couldn't book ours ahead before december got filled with other stuff. more homework. screaming match with my mom down the hall at school one way, bawling and running down the other way. finally seattling into the vice-principal's office and trying to figure things out. seeing math teacher who tells me that I'm the problem, not the fact she doesn't know how to teach those who don't already kinda know what they're doing. given a huge list of people to see in no time for tomorrow. tears. see another really shitty place.
No comments:
Post a Comment