rolling.

and once again, no laptop. good reason this time though... finally. my mom was forwarding details for my tv shoot tomorrow to the grandparents.. and yeknow, bragging prolly. so I have to actually go to school tomorrow :( suckkks ass because I have to do first three blocks, then a full shoot. I'll be even more exhausted. then who knows how long my day will be Thursday. and since my call time for tomorrow is ao late I prolly won't get off till at least 8 or 9. better be good money for that. at least I won't miss ceramics. but I have to do Japanese and math, my two worst subjects. I wouldn't mind trading my skipping socials to get out of Japanese or math. or both. wishful thinking.....

so today mr. bone proved himself more awesome. I was chilling, sitting on one of the tables and he sees my rainbow hello kitty necklace. first thought "that's the gayest hello kitty ever" which is epic on it's own, but when followed by the fact there are thousands of hello kitty has no mouth but.... comments out there. and that his favorite is "hello kitty has no mouth but that's ok because cocaine goes up your nose." just epic win. I is proud to call him my art teacher. 

missed the first night of my old school's one act festival. made me sad. missed the one where my friend was a hippie or something... :'( must make plans for afterpartyness. just because jacob pooped on our fun last year... so we went to whitespot and got kicked out at 11, when it closed... fail. need something better.

reaaaaaaally don't feel like typing too much. the nikki ish very very tired. I has been falling asleep all day, even in the school library at lunch (when it is the noisiest room in the school pretty much) dunno how I managed that, but I did. just want food, drink, chickas. and sleep. possibly in that order. but I'm only gunna end up getting sleep..

just realized, I'm gunna be on a set with a bunch of beautiful people. girlies, watch yourself, the oreo's on the loose. Oreos are yummy. the cakesters too. the straws kinda just piss me off. if makes no sense. in the mean time, let's go to the forest to follow the path and see were it takes us. 

that is all. eat tacos everyday.

<3 <3 

recycling.

yes. the highlight of my day was going to my hometown's tim hortons and checking out the recycling. it slightly depresses me that as exciting as it is, they oddly enough only felt the need to have bottles and cans recycling. what about paper? and other plastics?? and NEWSPAPERS!!! jeebus guys, this is Canada, where we care about the enviroment (or at least pretend to) so get on the freaking bandwagon. but so far, good job with the recycling you do have. ALSO, my second mommy's birthday!!!! (well this is more important, just got caught up in the recycling wirlwind) she's the cool one, the one who I love dearly even though I've only been 'related' to her for about..... 5 or 6 months. we're tight. XD

FINALLY got the roller skate of clay done. it keeps cracking and being annoying, but it is now drying, so I think it may be safe for now. *bites nails* PLEASE DON'T DIE IN DA KILN!!!! oh sweet baby jeebus. been around mr.bone too long, starting to say da kiln instead of the kiln... anyyywyayyyys, the wings are back on after falling off, the wheels are on, hopefully for good, the stopper seems to be staying, the lace holes are there, the `derby`across the side loooks okayy. now just hope it survives drying without giant-ass cracks. then I can do the base with the pole and eventually glaze that shit!! *super-stoked happy dance*

20 days. that what our 'time to find a new place' is at right now. but that's if we go to hawaii, which I don't wanna. if we don't go then I don't have to put up with another bullshit christmas with my family that it should be illegal for them to spend more than 2 hours together. is it bad that I want absolutely NOTHING to do with my one great aunt? and the only reason I like my grandparents is because they spoil me with candy and freedom and money. then again, they're old. they can't understand how I live my life since it was unacceptable when they were my age, or at least VERY greatly frowned upon. they tell me to be more feminine and that I have to be fashionable and must have more class then to shop in thrift stores (which I love to death). then there's my one great aunt I hate that tells me I can't date because I'll get pregnant and drop out of school and screw up my life cause I'm a whore.. no, really it's called being GAY. which is pretty freaking hard to get pregnant from unless you are doing it on purpose, and even then sometimes it's hard. getting away from the whole lot of them seems like a really good plan. and who the hell needs to celebrate a holiday about a pedophile coming down the chimney and knows when the children are asleep? even if at one point christmas was beautiful, modernizations made it into this stoopid economy fest. now let's go hibernate together.. and by hibernate I mean hide in a dark corner and pretend we're not having kinky sex. nooooom tacos.

on that note, my  mom called me the taco nazi today... 

not sure how to respond to that. she meant the food. and was talking about the fact I was trying to get her friend to eat the shell from his taco salad. awkward and epic at the same time. I'm still the taco nazi though, just in a different way.. I decide when they get eaten. ;)

<3 <3 

rainbow explotion.

sooooo. today I saw santa, then went to an awesomesauce craft store. my mom should know better than to take me to craft stores. I want to buy everything. this time I escaped spending just over $10. 18 gauge silver wire, elastic so I can make tutus (when I get tulle), and multicoloured hemp. yes, there is such a thing as rainbow hemp. it is epic. also, rasta hemp and this cool mix of pastely purpley blues. but rainbow. LEGIT!!!! it is pretty much making my life right now. I refrained from getting the $15 rainbow feather boa and the rainbow ribbon. sad thing is, the craft pliers that I went in there for, I didn't end up buying. oh well, got enough awesomeness to last me awhile.

in the midst of my epic OMIGAWDS RAINBOWS outburst I have decided I might have the balls to start a GSA at my school. I was going to do it at my old school, but my mom decided to move me out to richmond. so I was like, FINE! I'll go to the school with the awesome gay art teacher and chill with him. and then yeahhh... I read the ENTIRE begining section of the agenda and could not find info on starting a club, so tomorrow I will find the time and figure it out. cause this is going to be epic. time for rainbows, loud and proud. which reminds me I REALLY want to go around to all the stairwells that say palmer pride and change it from writing in navy blue to rainbow print. because I'm that epic.

but then again thinking about the epicness of everything I tend to realize that my hometown, the one I'll be spending all next weekend in, is totally different. honestly, the things I hear about it, seems like I don't even know the place I lived for 15 years of my life anymore. I need to get back. I miss just wondering the streets by myself, being a loner and just knowing I was home. the whole freaking town I pretty much knew as if it were my own backyard. but now it's starting to be this distant land that I pass through once in awhile. I don't know how much longer I can handle being away. I mean, I know it's just a 30min car ride away, but in three months I've been missing more than it seems I was ever there for. it's like my mom's trying to force the world into making my past unrecognizable, into making every memory I have or I am in more and more hazy. as if it wasn't bad enough for her to move me because she was too selfish to commute the 30mins to work, now she has to take every chance she gets to keep me away from the place I love, and the people who make me happy. I'd give anything to be able to re-do the last three years, and enjoy every moment at home knowing who exactly was worth it, and who to just ignore. 

the bitch tells me I complain every year about school, and it's just because I'm taking on more than the previous year yet again that I hate school. the part she doesn't get is that this time it's different. yes, I'm finding more and more people who I could see being pretty good friends, and some of my teachers are amazing, but I would trade it all in a heartbeat to be able to finish high school with the kids I've known for years, some of them since kindergarten or even preschool (when I was 3 years old). to be able to see the final changes to them before they go off to do wonderful things with their lives. most of all, to be home. because really, how long can one last in a place where they have no freedom and no space to just be. I miss the long, lazy summer days just sitting in hippy hills blasting red hot chili peppers, reading a book, drinking a monster. not a care in the world. but now it's all about making up tests I failed because the school system forces you to complete a certain level of academics even if it's harder than 4th year university when your parents went to school, and you don't have a single interest in pursuing a career that needs any of it. and rehearsing at least 8 hours a week for things that might never end up happening because no one even pays attention in rehearsal and the school thinks it's fine to just bump the drama department around for sports. plain and simple, school is bullshit. unless the school system were to look at each individual kid and customize a program for them, there's no point in expecting them to all pass. pretty much.. they can all suck my rainbow and come talk to me when they can tell me why I need gr.11 math to graduate. 

pce

<3 <3

craft timeeee.

oh yay. mommy dearest has once again taken my precious baby from me. oh snap!! oh well, another iPod post it is. 

woke up today, and my bed was still squeeking like crazy. some people need to stop making beds break (love you). still can't get it back to normal. doesn't overly help that I'm feeling the imprints of the textbooks and such in my back. oh well, it's all worth it. anyways, went to a giant craft fair in steveston and decided on just about 1000 things I want to do. only came home to work on my rainbow safety pin bracelet I've been trying to finish since summer. still not done.. greeeeat. at least I did something productive today: get my second mommy's present to her house for hiding until her birthday. other then that I just.. went on facebook and had a bunch of images for crafty ideas and how to get my hair cut and shtuffs. 

fauxhawk or just keep the bangs and cut the rest really short. that is the question. arfggg. so hard to decide. on one hand, I want to get rid of as much blonde as usual, so the fauxhawk would be better, but then I love hiding behind bangs... if only my hair would grow out the roots enough to just chop all the blonde and still keep a decent length of bang. also, my mom REALLY doesn't want my hair too short, so should I do it to piss her off?? but I'm prolly gunna get my industrial done and that will suffice in mom pissing off for a while. well, at least it should, considering I told her I want it and she said no way. =P

I need to make my Christmas list and send it to my family so I get actual good stuff instead of the same old crap.  but really all I want this year, is driving lessons, Ashland, and a bunch of derby stuff... and craft/art supplies. so figuring out which ones to put on the list is good. although knowing my stoopid family they'll either get me calanders and cookies and hoodies I'll never wear (because they think all hoodies are the same and get me really girly ones when I want unisex ones from aa), or absolutely nothing considering they'll be in Hawaii. and I doubt I'll really be going since we haven't found a place to live yet. not that I wanted to go much in the first place. I hate the sun, my family together anywhere for more than a couple hours consists of huge fights ( so I'd be hiding the whole time), it's a different island than the derby, chirstmas in the sand? really? no!, I'd miss out on awesomesauce new years with my friends, and there's no way in hell I'm going swimming that often. the only really good part of going would've been seeing all the chickas in bikinis. call me scruge, but I really don't want to be anywhere near my family for christmas. also, I need to start my Christmas shopping. and figure out how big my list of people is, and who's on it. and then work on a few of my crafty ideas for bits and pieces.

speaking of crafty, I ma be working on set on Wednesday and thursday. yayyy money!! prolly won't get it till at least my birthday, but oh well, it can replenish the dwindling money in my bank account. in the past two months or so I've spent like $200, and that's without even starting Christmas shopping. so work is good. so is getting out of class. the part that sucks is that I don't get to see my friends' one acts, except one on Friday. 

events to plan, stuff to do, busybusybusy. like usual. 

take the time to stop and eat some tacos. <3 <3 

rainbows/ eyelash glue.

I can't seem to get all the eyelash glue out of my eyelashes. it is quite odd. I can also say it was worth it. those freaking eyelashes were soooo much fun to play with. you know you have no life when you're amuzed by freakishly long eyelashes. dear gods....

about 95% of my day today consisted of rainbows. endless rainbow clothes, best freaking rainbow book ever (rainbow road. third on the trilogy. read them. they are amazing. rainbows boys, rainbow high, rainbow road. doooooo it. they are awesomesauce with epicness on top.), and more rainbow shinanigans. I is now very, very tired. my legs and eyes need a rest.. and then sleep in for a LOOOONG time, hoping to not have to wake up until at least 2 or 3pm. cause I like sleep, almost as much as I like tacos.. well maybe not QUITE that much. 

I has super glue on my hands from fixing bracelets.. now just stop breaking. if you don't brake, I won't be able to be THAT awesome anymore.

I is no longer able to make much sense. shleepy. got tired out pretty hard. =P

can't wait for hot stone massage whenever the spa time open house is.. which should be soon cause I WANNNT!! take that fire-breathing dragons. sorry for the lack of good words.

vagetarian out,

<3 <3

winter wonderland.

snow EVERYWHEREE!! it's pretty. first thing in the morning. then you have to brush it off the car, and it starts to get on your nerves. and then you have to walk in it and it's all slushy at the sides of the road. and it sucks. but it's so pretty. and being at school in the snow reminds me of walking down the tiny path shoveled from the school to the pit last year. remember huddling under one umbrella with at least 6 people, chain smoking to keep warm. and as much as I know that's horrible and all that, I kinda miss it. just being out there with all these people being snowed on. it was freaking beautiful. it was honestly like connecting with the earth with each puff being a little bit of a bridge to life with humans, so you wouldn't be completely lost in nature. also, as your brain receives the nicotine it just allows you to just step out of yourself and just be. be a snowflake falling slowly, silently. be the gentle wind, be the air everyone breathes in. sometimes I wish I didn't miss it at all. others, I wonder why I even bothered trying to stop. then I remember: to spend more time with certain people.. oh the things I do for girls, no matter if I mean to or not. not that it's a bad thing.

today after school, of course the little gr.8s were having a snowball fight outside. dunno what exactly happened, but there was a kid that came in, and went to the office. he was holding his eye, crying, and blood was covering his hand. think something hit him in the eye and was sharp or something. kinda really scary. that much blood from someone's face. *shudder* and they were telling him he would be fine. that they'd just get him cleaned up a bit. what the hell?? from what I saw I would say maybe stitches, possibly an eye patch, a bunch of ice, or hold a bag of snow on it.. and he might even go blind in one eye. yet they tell him they'll just get him cleaned up. I doubt it would even slow down on the bleeding for at least 5-10mins. don't lie to the poor kid to get him to calm down, he'll only hate you for it later. don't mention it. just take him in and calm him down with breathing rhythems and all sorts of other ways then LYING straight to his bloody face. stoopid school system, and the people that don't know what they're doing. at least they should know how to respect the students they're working with. it is, after all what they're paid for with our parent's tax money.

quite honestly, school is not my best subject..

english- 73%

physics- 52%

socials- 71.something%

japanese- 45%ish

math- 19.7%

and then I have my electives, but those are different. I can actually do them without failing miserably..

that may be why I choose to take over my life with drama, and a bit of art.

have a good long weekend. happy black friday XD

enjoy the tacos <3 <3

post secondary.

today was post secondary day. it got me out of a kanji test. I am thankful. now the biggest debate on my mind: bcit or langara?? bcit pros: technically queer (best gay group name ever), CARS because cars+ art= NOM or even working on cars. like engines and stuff *drool*, broadcasting, 95% find work related to courses within two months of graduating.     bcit cons: no english, drama, or other academic awesomeness, in burnaby.     langara pros: journalism, creative writing, studio 58, psych, student union building, starbucks on campus that I know where it is, I've been on campus at least five times this year     langara cons: lower employment rate, most courses meant for university credits, not as cool club LQAC or somthing... lameeeee. 

really have no clueee what to do. thankfully I have like a year to figure it out. but a year isn't a lot of time to figure out what I want to do with my life. I mean, I'm young. I change my mind almost as much as I get into fights with my mom.. which is A LOT!!

snow needs to go away so I can get driving so I can get my N soon... I can legally test for it in like.. 2 1/2 months. and I've had almost no practice. highway once, a handfull of times around richmond, burnaby, and tsawwasasen, and more parking lots then I care to remember. NEED lessons. or else I will fail. miserably. which is not good. and I drive better in bigger vehicles... odd I know. but then you can actually see what the hell you're doing instead of sitting like ON the ground. plus you're bigger, so feel more confident. should drive to tsawwassen sometime soon. and around town and in busier places. and learn to parallel park with cars there. 

then once I can actually drive well.. learn to FIX the cars. cause that is equally interesting if not more. except when driving really fast. with the engine roaring and adrenaline pumping wildly. when one small turn could mean death. ahhhh, the wonderful epic speeds. they make me happy. then again anything dangerous or painful tends to be fun for me...

so much thinkingggg. not enough time. I shall go fall in a hole and then curl up and fall asleep soon. if it's warm. I like warm. I miss warm. what is that even likee??? I have no idea anymoreee. 

lovelovelovelovelove lovelove makes the world go round. (yes that is a song from powerpuff girls. the episode when the clown gets bleached and turns townsville black and white and bubbles tries colouring it, but it's still all dead. then she breaks her crayons :'( and then they all play music and everything goes back to colour and they all live happily ever after. till the next episode...)

anywaysss... <3 <3

rawr.

today I am once again extremely stoked about derby. no, it has nothing to do with the fact I'm failing two classes and getting 52% in another and have nothing else but derby left to be my life since I obviously fail at school stuff. seriously, it doesn't. but yeahh... everytime I see a terminal city roller girl say they don't have a junior team in an interview it pisses me off. YES, we're working on it, just cause you guys can't fit it in to have us under your umbrella yet, doesn't mean we don't exist (I'm not angry that you guys are busy, believe me, I get it). on that note, my next step is to craigslist my heart out. find people, trainers, coaches, gear, spaces, whatever we can get. 

ok, now that I'm back from posting up there, anyone who is reading THIS who is interested or has anything they want to sell/ give to us let me know. nikkiasb@hotmail.com  just only respond if you are legit. my inbox gets clogged enough without random creepers. seriously. 

derby...derby...derby... oh jeebus I'm tired. 

I managed to fill out almost two months worth of DPA in like... 20mins. skills right there. well, it was all made up, I wish I could go roller skating as much as it says on there... that would make me happy. but still, I filled it out that fast. and I'm failing math. badly. very badly. so badly it's funny. kinda.... no, not really. school is evil. wait, that's just the school system and society and how they work together to screw over all the kids in as many ways as possible. like my japanese... 

or I could blame it all on my mother. I like doing that. after all, she did move me out to the school where I can't understand the teaching styles, and I don't quite feel comfortable yet, so I don't really try in class. plus I have my whole theories about government and school and all that shinanigans that teachers usually don't like. and if I finally grow a pair, I want to start a GSA at my school. cause that would be freaking awesome. come on, GSA in the middle or RICHMOND aka chinatown 2.0 =P

my one act's got moved to the end of january. most likely 3 and 4 days before my birthday. woot?? holy tittyshakes!!!! I'm gunna be 17 in like.... 2months. scary thought. I need to get my industrial before then. and cut my hair.. 

STOKEEEED for sleeping in on friday... and possibly other things ;)

dirty, dirty mind. not that anyone really want me to stop... TITTIES!!!

you know you love it. but you love me more. cause I was a doughnut in drama class. OOOOOH andandandand. the gr.8/9 drama class I have directing and script writing in they were doing 'gibberish'. so of course the sub pulls out Jabberwocky (that is NOT gibberish, it's ART!!), and proceeds to fail at reading it. after two words I'm shaking my head wondering how 'brillig' rhymes with village.. WHAT?? and so I ask politely if I could read it. she keeps going.. joobjoob bird?? by now I've been asking the whole time if I could read at I'm at a yell. "JUST STOP!! can I read it, PLEASE!? since I actually know HOW to!!" yes, that is how pissed at her I was. but if you're a drama sub and you don't even know what park bench is, you can't pronounce epic words, and you spend most of the time you're supposed to be teaching, working on your sketchbook, how the hell do you still get paid?? I should've gotten her first block's salary. note to self: when izdebski's back, remind her to never get that sub again.

nomnomnom.. whipped cream and chocolate sauce and ..stuff. <3 <3

boomboom.

once again, laptop is in evil clutches. but honestly, I don't really mind. why? might you ask. because I has skills. I manage to work my way out of another fight with the twins using two sentences. really, I should become some sort of peacekeeper. I have quite a talent for it. or I could be a hippy, cause they're pretty damn awesome. I wish I had a hippy van, and not just any hippy van but a briiiiiight orange one with epic curtains inside, and a disco ball, and a light up waterbed. I want one of those even more everytime I watch across the universe... and then I could live in hippy hills, and that way I could go to sdss :) my logic is epic. don't deny it unless you no longer value your life. 

there is an entrance to the attic? in my closet. like in paranormal activities. with the square that has a white panell covering it from the inside. my closet door is open. my roller derby gear will scare anything that tries to come out of the attic away. or at least it will trip and fall down because of roller skates. I miss derby. stop snowing and icing and being cold so I can skate. and terminal city needs to start their season. I REALLY need new skates. no wonder mine were only $20, they are complete crap and can't even put new wheels or bearings on them :( in desperate skating need. mainly because I have to hand in dpa form... I just got it today.. I don't do enough exercise. I walk up and down my stairs, from the car to school, from school to the car, between classes, and some warmups in drama/ rehearsal.

and then.. there's the best part of my day. like when in cartoons the giant hearts come out of eyesockets. that's like everytime I see her name or picture. the heart POUNDING it's way out of my chest when she says anything. the nervous, blushy, gushy, eyelash batting girlyness everytime I even think about her. the best part of my day, knowing she still loves me. that's all I need to know that I'm alive. ...and a total cheeseball. ;)

now if only the universe would conspire to make something good happen..... <3 <3 

boxes.

these boxes are killing me slowly. hiding away everything that means anything. my closet is pretty much cleared out. the boxes still have no idea where their destined to lie next week. it's getting to me. more than before. today I hid, in the farthest corner of my closet, away from the light, away from the voices, away from the door. it was a very new feeling. I suppose closets with purple doors don't repel very well. although I really wouldn't mind staying in there for awhile too much as long as I had someone to keep me warm. ;) I mean, the fastest way to warm up is body heat. and it works best naked. so honestly, any volunteers?? it's only free till... I guess when I move out. so maybe saturday. I also really wouldn't mind if SOMEONE decided to just show up at my place on friday. around 4ish. my mom's going to a staff christmas party from 4-9pm and said I could have someone over. and that could definitely lead to shinanigans. the good kind of shinanigans. 

anyways. I stopped being lazy and washed my hair. the pink once again, did not come out. well... most of it did on the right side of my head, but almost none on the left.. sheiiiit?? so I is half tonks? my mommy might flip a little.. until it fades or a cut my hair. but she doesn't want me to cut it. I told her I want it shorter. she laughed and asked if I was gunna shave it. I told her I might. she freaked. right now I just kinda really want a fauxhawk. NOM. like... 3 inches on the top, and about 1/2- 1 inch on the sides. but gradual not just bam. boom. hello, I look like a retarded box. no. nothing like that. XD

been having Potter fangasms all day. well... stayed up till 3am nit realizing the time whilst going through hogwarts deviantart page... and today random fanfic.. not all of it PG-13.... and stuffs.. yeshhhh. 

realized that all I really need to stop failing at everything in life, is to just sit with one of my friends and talk for a couple hours or so.. I've been so separated from them all and I miss them and it's turning everything into let's see how depressing nikki can make this. although my mom really isn't helping...  neither is my hug-withdrawl because of the whole new school, where people don't feel the need to hug me every 5-10mins. and that part really sucks. I miss sdss. it was good. I belonged to something. (oh god, that reminds me of my lines in apostrophes. I still need yo memorize some of them...) I wanna go back... to like, gr.8 with the knowledge I have now, and do it all over. not waste time with stoopid people, but just spend as much time as I could with the ones who matter. and just have more time with everyone, before everything changed. before a bunch of the people who I had the best memories with graduated, and it takes forever track them down. before the people who I try to keep up with made so many new memories that I'll never be able to compete with..

so long, and thanks for all the fish... fish tacos to be exact. ;)

harry potter.

I know I should be happy. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and I was fortunate enough to go see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. on opening weekend. in IMAX. but no, all I feel is emptiness. it's like I'm on my own little island stuck between the land of tsawwassen and richmond. one where my heart is, my life, but physically I am gone. like my heart has been ripped out and left there, while my body is here, living someone else's life. neither my heart nor my body know who or what they are anymore. somehow I just don't belong anywhere. the middle ground: no man's land. that is where I lie. and to make matters worse, it's as if I'm being blended, mixed up, confused all over again. yet again, to be moving with less than a week's notice of where. never getting a chance to reroot myself and figure out how to cope. each time dying a little more. and it's not like I can even self-medicate. I've left behind my days of recklessness and substance. nor do I have the time or money for changing my hair, piercings, or tattoos, my fall-back helpers to let me feel at ease. so I run around with no purpose, no direction, no emotion. and then I see the boxes. the pieces of a life once whole. suffocated, trying to escape, dying to be free. and the tears flood. there is no stopping them. who is this person they belong to? it seems a lot like who I thought I was, but really, who am I? lifeless. the life the boxes contain is over. now there is just drifting. that place between life and death, watching the world pass by, never engaged. 

I suppose I should try to not depress everyone to death..

Harry Potter was awesome. of course no one else in the bloody theater dressed up. party poopers. and yes, I did cry. people really need to stop dying in them. it`s not cool. except those stoopid ones who deserve it.. they can go die in a hole. slightly dissapointed at 1. the lack of hardcore fans in the audience and 2. that it was short. arent they all supposed to be over 2 1/2 hours?? it didn't even start by 7, and it was already over at 9.19?? but go see it. luna is awesome, umbridge is a bitch, draco's a disgrace to slytherins, voldy breaks shit, and if you see it in IMAX you can see every wrinkle and hair on everyone's face. plus there's an epic pair of plaid jeans that I want. yes, I am a little bit bitter about the lack of tonks. and that the tiny like, 45seconds they showed her, she looked normal. but other then the overdose of Harry being a egotistical twit it was amazing. go see it. now.

now I shall go fangirl over Harry Potter art on da.. 

go make me a sammage!!!

snow.

today. first actual snow of the season. blizzard and sticking and it's COLDDD!! I seriously can barely feel my feet. and that's under my blanket. so imagine what it'll be like out in the snow. good thing for awesomesauce combat boots. I has been told to go make a snowoman with snowboobs. should be quite interestinggg.

anyways HARRY FREAKING POTTER TOMORROW!!! going to be tonks (obviously) and squee my heart out. sad thing is, no matter how much of a Harry Potter geek I am, I have managed to have not read the last book yet... how odd. oh well. it will still be loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee <3 andandand just epic amazing win. cannot even explain how much I absolutely love the whole freaking franchise. the first thing I'm doing after grad is going to florida to go to the wizarding world of Harry Potter. roadtrippppp. I am a proud slytherin. don't judge us. just because Harry is an idiot and some slytherins screw up our reputation for us, doesn't mean we're all evil. what defines us is the fact we will do anything to get what we want, that can be a very positive thing. we want gay rights, we want to stop animal testing, we want world peace. and there's no way we'll stop until we get it. and it also helps out quite a bit with girls. my secondary house is hufflepuff. I am only a good finder when I want to be. and everyone knows us hufflepuffs are all secretly stoners. at least at one point in our lives. yes, I am equally proud to also belong to the most random house considering I never really have been one to be normal, and neither was tonks. she was a hufflepuff. <3 TONKS = LOVE. don't you ever forget that. ever. 

deperate need to not do my homework this weekend. or next weekend. considering I either have a ton of rehearsals or I am moving or both. but still haven't found a place so who knows. I just really don't want to move in new years eve again. besides, I've got plans. so yeahh..

REALLY need to go home to twas soon. to actually chill and be with people and just gain a little bit of sanity again. maybe then I could pass the courses I need to graduate. it literally kills me a little more each day being away. I know I am partially to blame considering I torture myself with reading people's stauses and such. that way I know what I'm missing out on. live seems completely fine without me. people are wayy too busy to even bother trying to talk to me much anymore. my predictions are starting to come true. I am being forgotten. just another phase that people get over and try to keep hidden in the depths of their mind. no one bothers to visit. why would they? I am no longer in their everyday life, so I obviously have to make all the effort since I was the one who got dragged away kicking and screaming. Since I am the one who's gone I have to make every little plan even when I have to make plans over and over with one person just to get anything to happen ONCE. so what if I'm already completely worn out? it's all up to me. everything is always about how much effort I can put in while the rest of the world slacks off. because apparently I have to learn to do it all. why? is the whole bloody world incapable of doing anything themselves? can they not even be bothered to keep promises? 

oh yeah. then there's the whole grad thing. that was all planned. from grad dates to colour of limo, and even pretty much complete outfits. and if I can't convince my mom to let me back... that's just another thing that makes me grow farther from my 'friends'. sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it. I'll always be the one lurking around, not getting the inside jokes, not being able to keep up with everyone, becoming just the awkward outsider. as if I wasn't enough already....

maybe there's a reason I was cast as the loser after all.........

derby.

this little derby dyke is getting a little too excited. I've been trying to put together a junior league and actually make it work. so far it's a little hard with people all over bc, and only 4 having skates. this will all change. I plan on getting everyone on skates by february at the latest, as a birthday gift to myself. once everyone's on skates, we need to set up practice spaces, and contact the chicka who said she was interested in training us. hopefully by spring break we will be well on our way to being capable of mini bouts or scrimmages (with names and numbers picked out, good gear, and fundraisers set up). by the summertime I would like to apply for JRDA (junior roller derby association) status and insurance and all that fun shinanigans. this may be the end of summer, just sometime in summer when we all have the time. I'm hoping to be able to play a season before getting kicked out and sent to fresh meatness on terminal city. and even once I move on I'd love to continue to run Voltageville for the younger girls who need a place of belonging. maybe in a few years we'll be internationally recognized.

neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to be finished with lifeguards and those silly plays that we all know are going to suck anyways. but the seagull sounds were pretty siiiiick. butbutbut. I want to be DONE so I can start actually writing out my lesbian one-act. the ideas are flowing and need to go somewhereeee. but I has too much going on now as it is. 

giving up on math again. after a $25/hr tutor, freaking genous friend helping me, and mom's student's brother doing my homework for me over the interwebs I thought I would do well on my chapter test. coming out of it I thought I had gotten at least a low B. get my mark today.. 10/26 BRUTAL!! my term mark is chilling at 19.7% oh joy. then again I did hand in a couple homeworks.. so maybe 20-25% for the term?? yayyy...

in other news... I put wings on my flying roller skate lantern I'm making in ceramics. just wheels, base, pole, and details to gooooo XD

omnomnomnomnomnom.... tacos <3 <3

somewhere over the rainbow.

so my mom has taken my laptop hostage for the night (she was using it and she won't let me have it back till tomorrow) so I have no idea how long this will be seeing as laptop print is a lot easier to tell than iPod print.. anyways, here goes.

I wore a mustache to school today. along with my gangsterish hat, awesomesauce green plaid guys button-up hoody, and neon yellow tutu. apparently no one notices how bright and odd I am anymore. it amuzes me. I wonder if anyone will notice when heather and I wear suits to school. which reminds me I need to buy a suit... a man suit. those stoopid girly wannabe suits piss me off. if suits were supposed to define curves they would have been all made that way. a lot of things about girls' clothes piss me off... the jeans are always wayyy too thin, the jackets are all cropped or too thin or once again trying to define curves. shirts tend to not come more than an inch below jeans line unless it's supposed to kinda look like a dress. oh god. dresses. why?? IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE BREEZY!! that's just bloody awkward. if forced to do it I at least need shorts underneath. 

and then... I told my mom the difference between nerds, geeks, and dorks. I shall now expand that farther.

a nerd is someone who is really smart. they do their homework right away, they do extra credit work wherever possible, studying is fun, they would rather study than go out, and the most social outings they go to are math or science conventions or competitions. most people groan whenever they start talking about something complicated because their explination seems even more complicated.

geeks have a few awesome things they obssess over, and they can go on about those subjects for hours on end. basically a geek is a fan or an expert on something or multiple things. geeks tend to flock to other geeks, not always with the exact same geekeries. (geekerys?) gahh. however you spell it. the basic idea is that pretty much everyone is a geek for something, just some people geek out a lot harder than others. 

dorks are pretty much just everyone else that doesn't fit into society's vision of 'normal'. we dress different, act different, have fun differently, generally geek out and fan over things 'normal' people think they're too cool for. we sometimes end up seeming completely insane, and we don't mind. dorks cannot have shame. unless you are a closeted dork. which is a shame. because lambs are boring. more people need to release their inner dork. 

which leads me to my whole theory of the box (as in think outside the box, box). I not only think outside of it, but live quite comfortablly outside it. when girls wanted to play house and dress up, I played with ants and spiders. when they were good and obeyed the rules, I got detentions for the stoopidest things. when everyone started hanging out on weekend and going to parties, I sat at home and read till after the sun came up. when they tried to do well in school, I proceeded to talk to the teachers and not get any work done. when they started to decide what they want to do for the rest of their lives, I took on projects now that people twice my age couldn't dream of. I pride myself in standing out. I TRY to blur the lines of gender. I refuse to let the school system brainwash me into conforming to society. I don't want to work a 9-5 job, have a family and picket-house fence. I want to make a difference, fight for what I believe in, and shower the world with realizations of the beauty around us. so what if I don't know what will become of my life, even from one day to another. I will break every cycle of normalcy and boringness. so stick the box in the closet and bomb it all. let us all party in the middle of a giant pile of rainbows and awesomesauce. :)

but there is that one tiny bit of me somewhere deep inside that wants to fit in. yearns to just be able to hide amongst those who are the same. to not have eyes following, watching. for everything to be that much easier. to be able to have a path and follow it, or love without the heartache of public disaproval. be able to throw myself completely into emotion without having to hold back and wait until no one is watching, until it is safe. and then I lash out, wondering why I was so different. why can't I have it easy for once? but greatness comes at a price. you must earn your way to happiness. and those of us why dare to follow ourselves instead of others will get a greater reward, once we fight through.  and then once again, I can smile, even if it isn't 100% genuine. 

THIS is why I can't stop loving her. the hardship we face, in time will only make us stronger. it will be worth it. and even now the sound of her voice, the way she walks, how beautiful she is, and even the way she types when there is no other form of comunication. for each moment, it is worth the agony. be free and fly.

just don't think jumping off a building will give you a head start on your flying. it doesn't. believe me. or even ask anyone. just don't do it. 

smiley faces and rainbows <3 <3

pie.

so I won another spirit week game. this time a pie eating contest. beat three gr.12 boys and a gr.11girl. pride of the week. :) and even better, managed to not get pie all over myself for once. epic win, I think so!! andandand I am the proud new owner of three new mustaches. they make me smile and want to hug things.

actually went home to my city and got to see my epic friend of geekery. she's really that awesome. and hugs felt freaking amazing after my hug drought I've been going through. I need to see my friends more. and not be so busy so I can do this. and even more importantly, DERBYYY

FINALLY got through the end of the one act I'm in, with two weeks to go. good freaking job. oh, and it might not happen because of basketball. whhhat the fuckkktits?? and I get three socks that are puppets throughout the show. and trying to work with socks and shoes coming off, being put on in reverse, and the off again fast forwarded. fun?? oh well. I'm a man. that's all that matters. hopefully no more rehearsals till 6 soon.

need to stop obsessing over the fact that my friends are legal geniuses, ahead a grade in some classes, doing really well in their subjects with no effort, etc. not everyone can know 10 languages fluently, have their art work out perfectly, figure out how math can stop being a problem, or juggle their 1000000 things so they can get it all done AND stay home. 

saw the second book to rainbow boys, realized I haven't read it yet, got it out, then realized I am now reading four books at once. greaaaaat. oh well, just have to get them all done. somehow. not quite sure how.

I am so run down I can barely keep my eyes opened. so that is all. have a good day. get some tacos. <3

the way I see it.

well today started off good. that should've been a tip-off that it was going to get ugly. but no, I don't think like that yet, after years and years of only the worst. I managed to get JUST 50% on my english test. ENGLISH, you know, one of my favorite subjects, one that I usually do well in. and then I win jeopardy just to get even with karma. then she decides to be a bitch again and I literally blank on my physics test. I only answered 2 full questions and part A of #3. and then of course I end up bawling about it. so my sleeve got soaked from mopping up the tears. and then I was supposed to have two rehearsals. at once. just ended up doing the japanese one. then my mom storms into the school, drags me out, and stalks me around value village for 5mins, the whole time complaining about how she doesn't want to be there, and I should be looking at places with her so we're not homeless after december, because it's all my fault. then I give up, do you know how freaking hard it is to even attempt to look while someone's doing that? so of course the world is all my fault, and apparently I'm grounded if I don't wear my winter coat everyday. here's the thing: I've told my mom repeatedly that the reason I don't want to wear that stoopid jacket is because it's one of those really girly cropped parkas. most days I would rather die than wear it. honestly, even on the days I do still feel girly I like my baggy hoodies. a freaking cropped parka over those looks freaking ridiculous, not to mention, wearing it feels degrading and torturous. 

then come home to more homework, which I'm still not done, and of course on the ride home I hear a song I love that I was hoping would never be released on the radio. once they're released, everyone pretends they always loved them and it ruins my love for them a little. but anyways sleepwalk by adam lambert comes on (which was my last breakup song. you know, that one you put on repeat for hours and think it's totally talking about your life) and then I go into a frenzy of having to listen to a bunch of adam lambert and p!nk, who pretty much got me through the summer. (I'll give top ten songs between the two at the end of this) 

in the shower I had a bit of a depressed think about life/ epiphany. yes, I'm sucking completely in school and there's no way for me to stop that while I'm at Palmer, I cannot focus on anything school-related enough to do well in anything because I have too much pressure put on me already. I have to take a bunch of my mom's responsibility in finding somewhere to live, because apparently she needs me to be there, although she never cares about my opinion when I do, besides, it's only temporary. I'll be gone by the time I'm 18 1/2. and she puts the fact that's looming over our heads, that come january, we have no place to live, on ME. I'm 16, almost 17, but still. she is the mother, and has never acted like it from day 1 and it is past time she steps up. I have had way too much put on my plate for longer than I remember. I missed my childhood to make her happy, and now I'm missing my teenage years too. get out, get far, far away, never look back. 

some people might say they hate their mom and mean it in an at the time way. no, I mean it with my whole heart. I have never felt safe with her around, never once felt completely loved or supported. I've heard more name-calling and put downs through those ugly teeth than kids misuse the word gay in a high school. being around her has made me learn to hate myself a little more each day. every time the schools ask us to comment on our study habbits or check off what your 'quiet study space' consists of, I have no clue what to answer. I have never been able to do a single piece of homework without being told I'm stoopid, or being yelled at for something that wasn't my fault. When I try to concentrate, she blares her music and tv. when I tell her I need to study for a test she makes me go out and do what she wants to do, then complains about my marks. there is no winning with her, there is nothing that is yours, it all belongs to her, there is no escape. she mocks me whenever I try to talk to her about anything serious. to this day, she thinks I'm just trying out a new sexuality every couple years. she will never believe me. which is fine, because I don't plan to stick around long enough for her to find out. 

then there is the family. dear grandma, who will give me money just so I can go out with my friends and they won't laugh at me for not being able to buy anything. (I must admit I have abused this quite a few times. the amount of illegal substances my grandma has unknowingly bought me it quite shocking.) she is great, but she has a plan for me. a plan which consists of following in my soon-to-be aunt's footsteps as an ultrasound tech. she also knows I have no will to go anywhere near that. and then there's the pushing me to be perfect in academics because drama and art and such apparently don't matter. and I have to be fashionable and feminine and have too much class to even set foot in a thrift store. yeah. no. I'm different. that's not gunna work. 

and all my friends. oh I love them dearly. but most of them know what they want. they know what schools they are wanting to apply to, how they're going to pay for it, what they want to become. and then there's me. every attempt I have at a career choice I eventually talk myself out of because I know I'm not good enough. and the ones a do really like, I'm told I can never survive off that and need a backup plan. I have no talent to put into a career. my life consists of rainbows, dorkiness, derby, and arts. what kinda of well-paying job comes from that? let me know, and you will have saved my life.

1. music again- adam lambert

2. don't let me get me- p!nk

3. strut- adam lambert

4. family portrate- p!nk

5. sleepwalker- adam lambert

6. oh my god- p!nk

7. sure fire winners- adam lambert

8. bad influence- p!nk

9. aftermath- adam lambert

10. dear diary- p!nk

11. last to know-p!nk

12. mean- p!nk

13. runaway- p!nk

14. split personality- p!nk

15. I don't believe you- p!nk

(ok, that was more than 10, but look them up. freaking awesome songs)

I shall now return to falling down the abyss..

fish fridays.

so yesterday was a very sad day. my mom forced a sleepover on me so I couldn't blog. I missed youuuu!! anyways, now that I'm back, I'll fill you in.

I walked in to taco del mar (cause those burritos are freaking nomnomy) and they hadn't changed the special of the day from friday. it said: fish fridays! two fish tacos for $4.99!!. I dunno about you, but to me that seems like a good deal. not only do you get TWO fish tacos, but for only $4.99??? GASMS!! 

Oh and also FIRST TIME DRIVING ON THE HIGHWAYYY!! and it wasn't too scary.. except merging. that sucked. really need to signal FAR ahead of time. I had to completely stop. on the highway. then go from 0-80k in less than 5 seconds. that was bloody crazy. I dunt like big semi trucks.

Terminal City, oh god I love those girls. anyways. friday they announced the 4th team name: PUBLIC FRENEMIES!! too bad they have all their stuff and pubs and bars. just over 2 more years and I'll be partying it up along with them. don't worry. derbyderbyderbyderbyderbyderbyderbyderbyderby. NOM

today was pure evil. who, besides my  mom, would send the dog into their child's room at freaking 9AM to go lick feet and face to wake up. EVIL!! and as if that wasn't bad enough I had to entertain my mom's student who she's invited for a sleepover with me on possibly the busiest weekends ever. then after that about 6-7hours of homework STRAIGHT (well, in a row, cause I can't do anything straight). plus I'm not even nearly done. not stoked for physics test tomorrow, 1000000kanji tests and possibly speaking test (cause I don't pay attention to dates) AND math chapter test tuesday. plus two rehearsals at the same time tomorrow. in different languages. and not a single day without a rehearsal of some kind. week from hell, I ma make you my bitch.. or die trying.

and REALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY need to find somewhere undercover/ indoors to go skate. and then find time to get the team together. and find out how many of us still need skates and what our budgets are. and practice. and get trained. and my mom pretty much told me if I want to do derby, she wants me on the all stars. one of the first times she actually supports something I love. pretty epic XD

andandandand.. I MISS MY WIFEY :'( it's hard being all lonely and in different town-ness and not seeing the people you love. especially when you know the girl you're in love with is literally blocks from your house twice a week for three hours, but you haven't seen her in weeks. suckageeeeee.

silly rabbit, tricks are for prostitutes. illusions are for kids.

<3 tacos

twisted.

sometimes I wonder. what would it be like to just ignore everything my head tells me to do. if I said yes to those random creeps asking me if I want to make 'easy money'. sad thing is, some of the girls are kinda cute.. I wonder how it would feel to not care at all. pick up and take off to a destination unknown. then logic kicks in, surely I would not make it out alive. I wonder what it would take to get away from conformity altogether. not go to school, sleep all day and come out to conquer the world with creativity at night. do what you want, when you want. but society demands structure, dashes dreams it deems impossible, skews image of oneself. the human race has a tendency to need interaction, yet society take it the step farther to make people into drones. there is no room to be your own person, and only a few of us have managed to escape the 'moonblinking' occurring around the globe. those of us left in our own minds need to band together and fight the forces that are trying to break down our mental capabilities.

then again what is normalcy considered these days? is it the fear of anything different? belittling anyone/ group that dares to not fit into the heard of sheep? because straight up, that is bullshit. I'll spend a lifetime begging to stand out as much as I can rather than blend in for a single day. ashes to ashes. I won't go down without a fight, dreaming of delivering the final blow to their cult-like conformity.

on a side note I've been greedy. I got a bunch of awesomesauce fonts for my laptop today. I wish I could show them off here. it's epic awesomeness. 

tacos for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?? <3 

bucket list.

right now I am drowning in awesomesauce of finding epic quotes. and then feeling like a complete sap. but it's worth it. otherwise I'd chop my arm off or something trying to get away from it. but yeah. rememberance day... consisted of not getting up till 12.30ish, not getting dressed till 3.30, sitting in front of my math textbook and laptop all day (guess which one I paid attention to), and food. pretty sure I ate about 6 lollipops today. not exactly what rememberance day is all about, but I never have been one to do what everyone else is doing.

I have also decided to make an epic bucket list. prepare your socks, they are about to be rocked.

1- gel my bangs up into a horn and roam around yelling 'I ma unicorn!!'

2- cover myself completely in body paint, painted as a rainbow

3- make a giant roller skate shaped disco ball.

4- throw a barbie doll at justin bieber 

5- have an actual bout with voltageville junior rollergirls.

6- be in the pride parade

7- dress as a platypus for a day

8- get roller derby- the rocking rolling musical  to come to vancouver area.

9- go to japan and see the glow in the dark mushrooms

10- go to grad in a pink limo

11- live in the west end

12- move to san fran

13- meet someone from an epic musical

14- go to the wizarding word of harry potter

15- watch the all lesbian roller derby team in texas

16- go to rollercon

17- lead a protest

18- get a job at fright nights

19- go around downtown in drag, and see how many numbers I can get

20- own a roller rink

there may be more to come, keep your eyes open.

and to all my wives and sex slaves, 'thank-you, cum again'

<3

remember.

today, at school, we were supposed to remember those who fought in the war. the lives lost. the people they freed. least we forget. we had a soldier that graduated from my school speak. he went on to describe the smell of rotted, skinned children and other horrific experiences. and of course the two little gr.8 dumbasses sitting beside me were laughing through the moment of silence. I mean, that's just disrespectful, I hate the mere thought of war, but I still feel a special thing for rememberance day. all the choir songs I've sung to celebrate, the fact my grandma and her sisters were all born in camps in the interior because of stoopid racism against japanese after pearl harbor. and those kids think they're so cool for laughing at the trumpet failing a little. those people who died were real people, they had friends and families, they had dreams, they had a lot to live, but they never got the chance. they believed they were fighting for freedom, which to a point, they got. 

this isn't about my thoughts on war though. this is rememberance. and the only thing I could think of the whole time is that last year, I was holding her hand and trying to stop her tears. I wondered what she was doing while I was in that assembly. and if when she went in for hers, would she be thinking about me? I promised her I would be there for her this year, but that all changed when I got moved. I'm sorry. but it's so hard to live without her.

before I turn 17 I have to get my industrial done. it is a MUSTTTT. and then when I'm 18 I can get whatever I want XD preeeetty freaking stoked. except waiting a year for it to heal. that part is kinda suckage. but it's worth it. especially if I get rainbow balls for the barbell. 

need to get the set for the one act I'm directing to work. how the tits are we supposed to put out a tarp filled with sand onstage at intermission for 2, possibly 3 performances?? and then we can't see the markings for placing our set pieces. oh, and we haven't even asked mr.bone to help paint the panels in a beachy way. so basically we're screwed. and this is after we had to replace one of our girls, my co-director gets all the credit and doesn't let me know what's going on, and he changes the blocking from what I spent a good two classes figuring out. this is shitty. can't wait for the one I'm writing. well, not that I've strted writing, just gathering ideas in my head. there were bits that just came to me. 

groceries is now slang for small child.

butterflies.

my stomach's doing flippy floppies. and that girly side I've been killing off slowly is giggling and batting her eyelashes and making her way back to wear she started. oh the things that come along with love.. *bonks head on wall* dorkity sap sap be gone?? the funniest part is she doesn't even really know what she's doing to me. amusement? I think so. but mainly, I just miss her.

today I got yellow tape for marking down where props are for my play.. only we're putting a tarp down filled with sand so it has no purpose. but I like yellow tape XD need to actually work on the set stuff soon. can't wait for this to be over. want to work on writing my own awesomesauce script. the ideas for lighting and lines and blocking and everything just keep coming to me. It's pretty freaking awesome. 

all my school work is failing. need to pass math and japanese. and then find time to finish everything for my other subjects. must not explode. that would be very, very bad. not to mention every last bit of azn throughout my family would go on about the shame and how I'm stoopid and need to be perfect in everything and do exactly what they want. family and school. bane of my existance...

there is also no such thing as too much of the L word, or too many rainbows. rainbows are 42. and that is final. and they're also reaaaally pretty. and I loveee them. that's why I'm always covered in them. they're perfectly queer and always will be the awesome in my awesomesauce.

and... TACOS. because I can. <3

monday night's alright for crying.

soo.. just thought I'd enlighten about the other options on my mind. drag and androgyny mainly. and drag is freaking awesome. especially when you learn how to use different techniques to make facial hair look real and stuff. and androgyny is just plain SEXY. I guess that about sums that bit up... for now.

and today my mom informed me that if I brought up my math and japanese marks and started practicing driving more then she'll prolly get me a car for joint christmas-birthday gift. this makes me happy. still need to learn to work on cars though, so I can do stuff on my own. but honestly. a car of my OWN!! *gets knocked over by awesomeness* I'M OK!!! I think.. yeah, all about breaaaathingg. XD

need to get someone to pay for ashlanddd. because honestly I wanna go, and I have a week and a half to prove I can pass math and not get behind while away on a trip. anywayssss. sleepytime calls. 

sorry about the shortness.

stressdayyy.

sheiiiit. I feel sorry for all those people who have to wake up at stoopid o clock every morning and drive into work. even waking up at 9.30 and driving to ironwood at like 9.50 is hardcore tiredness and annoying. and then again after work at like 4ish, even if you don't work driving then is annoying. but if there's one thing I learned from it, it's that I can drive a hell of a lot better in higher vehicles. so my whole wanting a truck will end up working out. that makes me happy. now if only I could get someone to somehow teach me about cars, how to fix them, what all the stuff does, etc so I'm not just that girl who loves them to death but is stoopid as hell. if the roar of an engine can turn me on, then I have to be at least part grease monkey. 

speaking of being part something...

I'm convinced I'm at least part man. lately I have been slowly killing off my girly side. in the last week I've only worn one of my epic tutuish skirts once. and that was because I had to do a photoshoot and it was the only black or white bottoms I had.. plus, since Hallowe'en I haven't been wearing makeup. except eyebrows. cause I need those. which really help getting to school on time, but if I want to do makeup for a living, how the hell am I supposed to do that? and I suppose it's been in the back of my head for awhile, but just in the last two or three weeks I've actually been considering changing. I would LOOOOOVE to take T. low, manly voice, facial hair, muscles. everything I really want. and everyone knows just how much I've always wished I had a penis.. plus it would also make things easier for little miss closeted. but seriously, where could I go wrong?? except my family. and yeknow.. money. then again, what if I decide I don't want to be a man full time? OH CONFUSIONNNN!!!! 

on top of confusing, annoying weekendness the plumbing in my house was all messed up. and in order to do laundry I had to wear a raincoat so the water dripping from the celing wouldn't soak me. and I never got around to finishing math homework.. math is stoopid. it's soul purpose is to try and stiffle any creativity you've made it so far in life with and grab you and shove you in the box and make you a lamb. and then memorizing lines... oh well. I'm a loner guy who only really talks through his socks that he takes off and makes into puppets. so I can learn my puppet's lines later... it's not like the director of that one has been trying to screw up the one act I'm directing or anything....

OOOH and I ate a cookie for eat a cookie day. I is proud

now there should really be an eat a taco day.. I know where my favorite taco is <3

girl rant.

so girls. there's always something wrong.

1. they're straight

2. they're taken

3. they just plain and simple don't want you.

and then people wonder why it's so freaking hard to be happy. especially in richmond. what is it with azn chickas? do they just not know what it means to come out? or is impossible for them to be allowed to fall for another girl. just to have a group of friends who could understand me at school would make it all worth it. a bunch of people who I could talk to about about just how much she means to me. how even the thought of her name makes my heart beat a little faster. every time I see her name on facebook it gets a little harder to breathe. but no, there's not enough freedom to talk about these things. there is a desperate need to import more lesbians into my school. especially if I get to write my one act. that should be fun, if I can get enough people involved. theater really does need to help in the fight against homophobia.

on a side note, I have met 'Miss'

and been drawn into the world of subbie/ slave~ness.

it is a very kinky world.

I think it sounds wonderful.

that is all.

weekends need to not fail.

friday. that's a good thing right?? WRONG. it means handing in sketchbooks to be marked over the weekend. it means no one showing up for rehearsal. it means going to look at a house that's on top of a blueberry farm. it means crying and shoving your face with candy and chocolate and falling asleep by accident for 3 hours straight. although, it's not so straight.. 

I believe friday is one of the gayest days of the week. the day of gab, if I was ever allowed to go. If only my mom wouldn't promise to let me go and then decide she's too tired to take me to the skytrain and won't let me bus into town. just like that, the little piece of my day that I was looking forward to so much and my only reason to wake up this morning, is gone. instead I get to see my horrible family. the one who always end up going on about how I need to get all As and go to UBC and I have to be all 'fashionable' and such. the ones who don't understand me, or at the least bit, even try. I am not a conformist. everything they want for me is what I spend my time fighting against. they don't hear my cries for help.they don't know anything.

today I actually had to hide. in the doorway to my closet. I don't exactly know how I feel about that. usually closets repel me. today is different. today I was confused. not so much about my sexuality, but gender. every last trace of girl annoyed me. but give it a couple days and I'll be fine in a tutu and itty bitty tank top. or something of the sort. what does this mean?? could it just be my way of wanting to change to be with the one I love without her having to come completely out of her comfort zone? as if the teenaged years aren't hard enough in the first place. but the thing is, I love her so much it hurts. everyday I drag myself out of bed, knowing I won't see her and I don't know when I ever will. It kills..

background check. / fail week

ok. so if you want, you can read my about me, but that's me now.

this is going to be me, the past. scary, I know.

well at least if you know me...

As a child, I was odd. I liked to play with bugs and go around saving worms after a rainfall more than playing house, my best friends were all boys, and I didn't exactly figure out I was a girl (and know what that meant) until about gr.2. I'd like to that my stoopid, dumbass, loser father for that. Thanks for taking off before I knew who you were. By gr.3 I had actually made a couple of good friends and together we dripped with bratty mischief. Of course after that year my mom decided to move me out to richmond for school. \My first day I had a detention. I don't deal well with change. Throughout the next three years I had a few 'best friends' who turned out to be total flakes and ultimately lead to my first big bout with low self-esteem and depression. I tried to drown myself in the public pool (didn't know that drowning yourself is impossible then) and started cutting, a nasty little habit that came and went for years. Gr.7 was a little better. partway through the year I managed to fit in and get more comfortable with people. for what felt like the first time in my life, people actually cared a little bit. By the end of the year I was regretting my decision to come back to tsawwassen for high school. quickly that changed, after meeting some amazing new people and awakening my lust for the female anatomy. still, it was hard to fit in, yet the people were worth it. Gr.9 my whole world fell apart. my mom's ex(who she had dated for like 7 or 8 years)'s son was killed in an accident. A drunk rcmp officer hit him on his motorcycle and he was killed instantly. after that any respect for order I had was lost. slowly I started to spiral down in a cycle of drugs, booze, sex, and self-harm. substance numbed my mind to the world around me, also numbing the carvings into my skin. wading in this pool of instability lead to the lowering of my already shattered self-esteem, which in turn became the reason to turn myself over to other's wishes. lost my virginity, thanks to brandy. unconscious ambulance trip with alcohol poisoning and hypothermia, courtesy of gin and vodka. screwing up school with a little help from mary jane. not to mention screwing just because I thought someone wanted to somewhere in my mind. eighteen months that ended in an addiction to nicotine, a reputation not to be wished on anyone, and many, many broken friendships. everyday became a battle: try to quit something or at least cut back, try not to get caught, try not to fall asleep in class from only having 2 hours sleep from sneaking out all night. In the end it was worth it to pull through. I figured it out. All of it was a cry for help, screaming for someone to help me realize. throughout my binge of boys it had all been because they wanted it, there was no physical attraction, no love, no emotion. It was not me, just society with their giant box of everything 'inside the box' trying to make in into another cookie-cutter lamb. In order to be me, in order to set me free from the destruction I had to know. I am a lesbian. I am proud. I can make a change. I can help free the souls left in the war zone, being shoved and shoved towards conformity.

I won't say life will be easy now, just that the worst is over.. hopefully.

more recently. this week has been full of suckage.

monday- running down the street late for school in the rain, with too much to carry to be able to put umbrella up. freakout after failing yet another couple of quizzes which I didn't have the time to study for with all the shinanigans going on. yelling match with my mom (like usual). no one showing up for rehearsal and no one warning me of that and someone dropping out so we fail even more. which lead to ranting about how nothing's gunna get done, I'm going to fail all my classes, etc. pink hairdye/spray stuff going everywhere and taking forever to do anything with.

tuesday- ended up napping in class for a good 30-45mins. just because I literally could not function anymore. body shutting down from stress and sickness and overworking. and then when people actually showed up for rehearsal this time, found out no one was informing me of \ANYTHING!! so an important character dropped out of the play I'm directing, the dates to perform were when I couldn't really make it and no one had even discussed it with me, then proceeded to spend an hour arguing and frantically trying to find other days. which didn't work. then fights at home about my failing math mark. oh yay.

wednesday- actually made it to school on time so thought it would be a better day. nope. not happening. zombieness through the whole day, basically being told by my math teacher that I'm too stoopid for the class, I'm wasting my time. There's no way I could pass. loved her confidence. and just when I though I didn't have to stay afterschool for one day in the week, was supposed to work on japanese script (which I fail at anyways). the person with the script didn't show up. went to the art room and then got called by my mom and told to be outside in two seconds when I was elbow-deep in clay. then two more calls, resulting in my having to run to chase down the car and then go look at a place we can't afford to live in. cause yes, I do have to move from my house I moved to two months ago because they sold it. of course my family was there, my grandma told me she hates my hair and I was stoopid to put fake pink in it since it didn't all come out. thanks. came home to mad working on homework. exhaustion, yet again.

thursday- slept in. again. got blamed for being behind when I was waiting for my mom. again. got told I'm grounded if I don't do the impossible. again. found out I have to miss my best friends' one act festival because my teacher couldn't book ours ahead before december got filled with other stuff. more homework. screaming match with my mom down the hall at school one way, bawling and running down the other way. finally seattling into the vice-principal's office and trying to figure things out. seeing math teacher who tells me that I'm the problem, not the fact she doesn't know how to teach those who don't already kinda know what they're doing. given a huge list of people to see in no time for tomorrow. tears. see another really shitty place.