I nearly cried.

the days are running out and he's pulling out his hair in frustration. he'd spend every moment with her if it weren't for the giant list of things to get done at some point. he's just trying to keep his head above water at the same time as spend every spare moment he can with her in his arms. 5 days and he'll be off, gone on a whirlwind adventure.  after 4 weeks avoiding anything the slightest bit unhealthy or filled with animal of any sort he isn't sure how chocolate will feel. he needs that pick-me-up, something to keep him going in the season of craziness. his next three days will be so packed he can't even think.  <3 <3 

what a feeling.

he's been busy, trying to figure out the world. he's taken the time to learn a little more about himself, the future, everything around him. he's noticed everything. she has this crazy effect where the entire world has a lens placed over top. he sees everything with a new tinge of beauty he never knew to exist before. she makes the world a better place just by being in it.  he loves the tiny moans that escape her lips, the way the curl of her bangs falls into her eyes even after pushing it back. the way she looks down when he's close by as if almost shy. he could hold her forever in his arms even if he doesn't quite have any of the muscle he imagines, even if he is just a scrawny little white boi with his heart on his sleeve.  <3 <3 

I waste my time.

he's so fed up with the schools. 13 years they screwed him over and in 4 more school days it will all be over. he's done with the lack of support for ways he can learn, he's done with being thrust into classes he doesn't even like just to forfill requirements, while classes he has been looking forward to since he first heard of them aren't even offered due to low numbers. he's tired of counselors screwing around so that he has to take math 11 a third time. he's tired of getting shitty grades because he has no time to learn the material. he's tired of having to sneak around to get any school work done. for 5 years of high school he's been an odd child out. he hasn't fit into one specific group, even in planning he got his own clique because he didn't fit into just one. graduation shouldn't feel any different, yet he knows that he failed by still having that sense of not knowing what's going on. he's always failing at something. the only thing getting him through the last day this week is getting to see her on the weekend, otherwise he couldn't care less. he's holding on by the seems, begging someone to make it go by faster. he doesn't even know how it works.. life that is. <3 <3 

you and me and all of the people.

in a school where his grad class consists of idiots and people who really don't know a thing about life, he doesn't know what's keeping him from getting amazing grades. then again there are the portion of quiet people with so much more knowledge than he could dream of.  everything is winding down and he's freaking out, not knowing how to deal with these final days. he should be happy, having shortened time before getting to see her, but he's realizing just how unprepared he is for everything. it terrifies him to no end, how he really should feel so much more prepared for everything.  all he wants to do these days is cuddle with her and make everything okay again, forget the rest of the world exists. he just wants everything to be all rainbows and butterflies and everything that she is. the little bit of distance is still enough to make him really want to crush it all to make it disappear.  <3 <3 

I have a dream about her.

he can't remember life much before she started making every day a beautiful day. 19 days filled with her and it feels like this is how it's been forever. the rest the the 18 years before that seems distant, as if from a separate lifetime. with two weeks left of high school he doesn't quite have the time to be completely checked out of thinking school things. he doesn't even care anymore as long as he can say that he's hers. getting through 7 more school days and 2 days of finals might be the only thing he manages to do before he needs to spend every moment with her.  he's so tired of putting the things he loves on the back-burner. he needs to finish writing the fanfic he started, finish the book he's been reading for forever, work on his sketchbook, make a pile of things he's been meaning to, and get back on his skates. none of it's gotten done because of how much effort he has to put into school. it's not like his grades show how much work it's taking anyways. the entire school system has become a major piss-off for him. he's so ready for school to be out at this point. apparently school just isn't done with him, though. it's a hard concept to decide why after all this time he can't just let the last bit happen without having to put far too much effort into functioning.  <3 <3

and it feels so right.

he's so close to the end, yet those last couple weeks seem to be the hardest. he's barely been paying attention the last couple weeks as a cool-down from the AP exam. the end of the year's kind of crept up on him without notice. he's been so busy with forgetting that graduating means actually doing something productive with his life that he hasn't gotten a chance to prepare the final bit before being thrust into a world he doesn't quite feel ready for. he's been out in the world and learned the hardships, but this time is without the safety net, without the second try if you screw up.  with so much stress it's really nice to find someone who can instantly make his day better just by her presence. he wants to tell himself that he's deserving of finally finding someone, although he knows she could do so much better than him. he's terrified that she'll realize that and take off on a whim. at the same time he trusts her, without any reasons to really besides his gut feeling that she will be a long-term thing, someone he will come to trust anyways.  he hasn't felt this giddy and excited about a girl he doesn't talk to in person very much ever.  he's only felt so excited after any amount of time with one girl and that is a completely different. he's starting to wonder just how to keep calm whilst in the midst of loving things.  <3 <3