some kind of innocence.

leaving the town he's come to fall in love with yet again after a beautiful week, reality is setting in. the people he'll be returning to's faces make their way into his mind. he'll admit he doesn't quite want to see them. he's done with seeing his family at all. his school "friends" he'd much rather carry put conversations over internetular devices. there's only three people he'd like to bring to him and spend time with. each of them is hurting in ways he can relate to, each is someone he hasn't seen in months but loves more than the one's he sees every day. he wants to share the beauty with each of them, help them by helping himself. at the end of the day they could all comfort each other in their woes.  his flashbacks seem to revolve around the last time he made this trip home, the differences in the trips themselves, the ways he wishes this one was more like the last. he can't help but to feel that this time around, although more of the plays were better quality, he's just spent too much money and not done enough work.  one day left for him to get everything done, he's already so tired. he's been so good this year, not a single skipped class, completed his homework almost every day. it's just getting to be too much for him. he's so done with high school, yet it's grabbing him by the hair and dragging him over glass shards to test him, see if he'll end up living to see high school graduation. he's rediscovered his outlet for it all, but a few cigarettes that he tells almost no one about just aren't enough to get him through. he's already had his grades go to shit with trying his hardest. he's just done. <3 <3 

sleep the pain, come over.

he's so insignificant. next to the boy who wins youth Gandhi awards and slam poetry competitions, fills hearts with hope through ideas that he's given the boy. things they were supposed to do together that only the boy has had the ability to carry forward. he feels hopeless when he can't get off his ass for long enough to put a project together. he can't do anything in his little pit of despair, yet he still thinks he can amount to something. he's too busy complaining about the status quo to try and make a change. the drive is still there, the fight is still there, but the action falters. he takes a drag from his cigarette, stolen moments of drowning his sorrows. he can't imagine a world where he can ever measure up.  it pains him to be around people, knowing they have much more to offer than he could ever hope, yet he can't stand being alone. every moment a new conflict within himself.  <3 <3

pain, perfection, muscle spasms.

he's made the trip down to Ashland a little easier than it could have been. rent parties always seem to put him in a good mood, he doesn't quite know what it is that makes them so much better than life without. possibly all the queer and acceptance. he was forced to watch twilight, 17 again, and never say never and STILL it was all okay with a little sing/ dance party with musical soundtracks.  he needs to stop buying teas, except they're so perfect in every way. he can't help how much he just wants to just have all the tea forever. mmmmm tea. yep.  he can't help but to laugh at what should be a life. instead it's just a pile of fail.  <3 <3 

don't know when I'll be back again.

all he really wants is a chance to be recognized as something at least close to his 'gender'. he's tired of the same people using female pronouns for him without even trying to do any different. they don't care enough to listen to him, thinking they aren't doing anything wrong when it kills him inside. they call him woman when they address him, expecting him to just sit back. it tugs at his heart, he knows he should fight back, he should take a stand. he's too afraid to cause any commotion amongst them to correct their mistakes. he's just too nice to say anything.  he's leaving in the morning, attempting to get work done while on a trip. he should know better, yet he keeps trying to push himself harder and harder. he's breaking down, but with deadlines around the corner it's hardly the time to be having a crisis. he'll hold it in as much as he can until he's ready to explode. the stress just keeps on building.  <3 <3 

crying like church on Monday.

two night of being onstage. the last two of his high school career. he should've felt something, like something was breaking inside. just some sort of sadness. instead he feels relief; he's done dealing with izdebski. he can go on to let his creativity take over in his future endeavors. he can write and shape worlds unimagined. he can choose when he feels comfortable on the performing side and when he would prefer to just stay behind the scenes, creating. he has the freedom to choose.  a day being silent while others dismiss his cause, taunting him in attempt to make him speak. it gets quite difficult, he wants to lose faith. then near the end when he's feeling discouraged, he gets a second wind from a teacher who thanks him for doing it, being the sole student that stands up against all the bullying. he knows after that just how much he affects the school in doing so. that moment regains his trust in humanity.  spring is his favorite season, the only downside is just how much his allergies act up during the season. he can't breathe, can't function, can't do much of anything. sometimes he wants to just claw out his eyes and be done with it all. that would make it so much easier to live through the season. the worst part is being allergic to the beautiful bits he loves.  <3 <3 

more than you could ever know.

he rides the fast train to confusion. in everything he does, he does to try to get a step closer to finding answers. he's slowly discovering the balance between his femininity and masculinity every time he tries to go and explain it to someone else, every time he tries to explain it his explanation slightly changes, then he has to start over with the first people. it's a process that has him completely worn out. every night he flops into bed exhausted, not knowing how he'll manage to wake up and face another day. every morning he wakes almost as tired as he was the night before.  he really doesn't know hat he wants to do with his life anymore. people tell him to do what he loves. he loves everything queer, British television, poetry, and various forms of art. his only options from that would be to be a British actor (except fame scares the shit out of him), write for theatre/ film/ tv series, or do some sort of LGBT activism. although he's not too clear on the path he'd take to do that. he would have to look into it a little more before coming to some sort of conclusion. this is his life that they're talking about.  <3 <3 

and over again.

his body itches, aches for sharp objects. he craves the pain that he once knew with every fragment of his being. he deserves it, he should be punished for the shit he's done thus far. he's tired of having no motivation, no strict plan of action to get everything done. he's been lazy and he has no liable excuse, he deserves the pain. he can't stand to be alone yet another night. he's rambling, going out of his mind. he can't quite figure out how to live like he used to, before everything changed. there he sits, freaking out, not ready to graduate yet so ready to be done with it all.  <3 <3 

faster, faster.

having a day to just relax was something he needed. sure, a big vanlock event would have been nice, but the three people made it a lot easier for him to function. he's not good with big groups, the excitement makes it difficult for him to breathe and he doesn't know how to be part of such a big group and he has to sit by himself and try to calm himself down. unless he has a smoke, then he's good to go for a while. with three people he could have actual conversations and not feel left out. they could just go get food without having to call ahead and hope to god they can put together a table big enough. they could walk down the street without having to wait for someone every few seconds. they could find outdoor tables to sit at, fit in tiny stores, actually get things done. in a way he enjoyed it more than last time. there wasn't the chaos of everyone everywhere. getting to know someone he's only met at the last event was nice, plus spending time with someone he really would enjoy spending more time with was great. they made it to a tea store, something he'd promised to take his friend to do for months.  having a break from the scholarship applications, the tests, and the homework was nice. he could just go out and have fun without worrying about all the things that he had to do when he got home. that's the first time he's been able to forget that in a while.  <3 <3 

this is crazy.

he'd thought the kony 2012 project was just about over, turns out it's only the beginning. the invisible children road trip people came to his school to try and disprove some of the theories against the whole organization. yet again they managed to still be completely unuseful. he was so close to asking what the arrest had done to the campaign.  staying home has become his thing, living only through the Internet and hoping that maybe someday he'll have the confidence to talk to the people he's grown to idolize through tumblr. every once in a while, if he's good, he gets to have social interaction that aren't in school. they scare him quite a bit, but in the end they make him stronger.  weekends used to be his time off of school and stress, now they're filled with cramming everything in, waking up early, going to work, doing homework, trying to see real people, and the like. the simplicity that came with weekends is long since gone. all he wants to do these days is catch up on the sleep he doesn't get a chance to have. in the mean time coffee will keep him awake.  <3 <3 

underneath the bridge.

he sees the world with new eyes every passing day. one day he sees humanity, wants to butcher them all in one blow, the next he can't help but to love everything that has ever existed anywhere. he likes to think of those as his good days, the days he's striving towards. if only he could live a life of love and peace and all the goodness in the world, only he's human himself, he is flawed to the point where he cannot manage to love or understand himself. but he can always keep trying, keep striving for that view of his 'perfect' life. he can burn more incense and weave more than letters across a page. he just has to let himself be taken over by it all. he just has to let himself be happy. his pangs of hunger wake him from his fantasy. he lives in a world run by closed-minded capitalist consumerists who don't see the beauty in things other than money and possessions. yet only see the power and the greed that leaves them blind to the rest of the world. they try to escape the harm reality of those who have nothing, struggling to live every day while they complain every time things don't go exactly as they plan, every time there are small imperfections in their life that inconvenience them in the slightest. they don't know fighting for anything other than greed.  he misses the lands of the faraway places childhood stories took him to, the Utopias and wonderlands where he grew up. he misses the times before people knew what it felt like to own anything. he misses living in ignorance to the redundancy of mankind.  <3 <3  

the world will never be the same.

everything he's tried to stay away from has come back to haunt him. the memories, the different stages in his life, the parts of himself he wishes never existed. in some ways he's disgusted by how much he's become someone so different than he imagined. in others, he's just waiting for things to get back on track. he's just so tired of everything and how the world spins and the amount of homework he hasn't quite done yet. everything seems so commonplace, as if from a world he doesn't really belong in at all. all the creative energy running through him just gets flattened into mundane tasks. it's killing any chance at having an enjoyable high-school life.  he's realizing how little of the school year is left to go. it's scaring him. he thought he had all this time when really he's cutting it pretty close now. he should be working towards finding ways to get his grades to their top for the last two months. instead he's still fucking around and forgetting to do homework and falling asleep as soon as he gets home. two weeks and he'll be in Ashland. another three weeks and he'll be writing his AP exam. closely followed by boat cruise. then about a month before school's out. it's getting to the last legs and that terrifies him more than anything. at least he knows what to expect for next year and enjoys the subject matter completely.  <3 <3 

all confidential.

he's dealing with things. he doesn't even seem to notice that it was Easter all fucking day. no attempting to get the whole family together for dinner and his great aunt being away in Australia at work is good. he never liked holidays anyways. if only there was a way to get the cheap after-Easter chocolate with the first-on-shelves selection. he's so ready to shove his face with chocolate and forget his worries.  like any other sudsy night he's bombarded by porn. kinky, fetishy porn. just another thing to remind him that in a week he'll be able to say that it's been exactly 2 years since he's had sex. he's been trying to find himself in ways where he isn't giving up more than he receives, he doesn't have to settle for something purely physical that he doesn't care about instead of having the emotions and the butterflies and the cutesy cuddles. the ability to actually love those who he tries relationship-y things with far outways the moments of meaningless, emotionless sex. he's proud of himself for waiting around to find people who he can love and have an actual attraction to. maybe as a reward he won't have so many things to be so confused about.  <3 <3 

you are unforgiven.

his days are dragging on, the holidays come and go and he doesn't even notice. they all seem like ordinary days, he works, his family fights, sometimes they make it through dinner without someone getting kicked out, everyone goes home. he's just so ready to be far away for it all. he'd give anything to just live in some country he's never heard of around every holiday. the only problem is that he doesn't see the point in travel, there are only a very few cities he enjoys and Vancouver happens to be one of them.  he's almost accomplished what he hoped to get done by today. tomorrow he still has law and some stuff for his AP project to start on, hopefully giving him time for history, memorizing, and grad transitions on Monday. there's so much work to be done and he hasn't done nearly enough of it to feel like he's even functioned. he should be buckling down and getting these last few weeks of the way so that he has a clear plate when it comes time to studying for exams. he doesn't want to be rushing everything at once.  he would think he'd object to working Easter morning for no extra pay, but it turns out he doesn't care. it gets him out of the house and up at a decent-ish hour. he loves that it gets him away from his mother and family plans and the threatening pile of homework that never seems to go away. plus he's hoping the holiday will bring in some extra tips, although it's doubtful.  <3 <3 

watch it burn as I touch your face.

his mornings off school consist of waking up early, falling asleep, waking up at a normal time, going back to sleep, and finally waking up really late. if only he could get it on the first try. he's just too exhausted from the last couple weeks with no chance to sleep in ever. all he needs is a little time to rest, get his sleeping schedule back to where he thinks it should be, and catch up on schoolwork. four day long weekend might be enough time, but even that's stretching it. another spring break where no one's trying to make him be social would be greatly appreciated any time.  he's a little worried about Ashland. his friends want to sleep in until the afternoon and spend all the time away from the group while he wants to wake up to see sunrises and adventure about town when everyone else is just waking up. he wants to have breakfast while everyone else is not in the crazy rush, enjoy it peacefully. he wants to have time for himself to just fall in love with the city all over again. he almost doesn't know if he can handle the lazy capitalist consumerist and the  soccer dork making things that much harder to enjoy. last year was easy, when he could spend time with people he could relate to much more easily.  <3 <3 

plenty of ammunition.

his internal clock isn't ticking, he can't find anything to tell him what time it is so he tries to sleep in the day and all night, tries to create masterpieces of effort all night. all he can manage is to close his eyes and hope that falling asleep will mean he doesn't look tired.  he laughs a little as people still think that getting through the last year of highschool will be anywhere near an easy task. he's pulling all his strings to stay up late enough to remember to breathe and losing himself in the piles of homework that he really should get done. his entire being just falls a little, forgetting everything that isn't directly connected to the current moment.  his tears keep falling, reminding him that he can't fight away the sleep any longer, he'll give in as soon as it becomes too much to bear.  <3 <3 

the secret things that nobody knows somehow you've figured out.

he runs his fingers through his windswept hair, roughly, not caring as he tears at the strands. he tugs a little harder, hoping for some sort of relief from all the emotions bombarding him at all sides. his hand falls to his cheek, soft as only a woman's skin should be. he craves that rough manly touch when he looks in the mirror. his hands keep going, flowing over hips, stomach, breasts which never felt like his. he doesn't understand how that body is what they all see when they look at him, that hairy legs and a bound chest will never equal the muscle and hard edges chiseled away by years of testosterone.  he goes inside and holds himself, his body and the person inside comforting each other as the long day wears on. he can only take so much before the emotions overflow, leaving him in a mess on the floor. he tries to clean himself up, to put on another brave face so that the world never guesses how much he has been through to make this moment possible.  sometimes he runs, hides away with the trees and the mosses and the lovers who don't stop to judge what they are seeing. he fights to stay hidden, to camouflage against the rest of the world. he knows it won't help one bit, but at least it's something. it's something he can do.  <3 <3 

if I knew what I was missing.

he gets so caught up in the world, the objects and people around him, that sometimes he forgets to live his own life. he's caught himself sitting back and watching far too many times to count. he prides himself in being a people-watcher. in crowds that never seem to end, he can always pick out a few interesting people going about doing things that others would not think of doing if their lives depended on it. he can find his way into their past in ways that may or may not be true. although lately he's had a curse, he sees them going about life and realizes he needs that, he needs interactions with people who care about him in more ways than just the words they speak. he needs to find acceptance in a world with more things wrong with it every passing day. he needs to go back to being more than just a watcher. all around him the people he knows are figuring out their lives, following thee paths, soaring to achieve their dreams. he almost thinks he'll be left behind, not having the grades, the skills, the will to follow such a grueling path. one day he think he might wake up from under the trees the roam the streets, carrying all the world's judgement upon his shoulders, just to feel like he did something right. he wants to take a stand, start a fight, create things that will leave a positive impact on humanity for generations to come, but to impact anyone he'll have to endure the torture of fame, no matter how small the fandom. that scares him more than anything.  <3 <3