so. eventfulness is eventful. waking up just to unpack and try to settle back into a life from before you left. it doesn't work. I'm not the same person/ soul/ whatever. I no longer know how to go about my daily actions. even being with my friends for long periods of time makes me want to cry. the past is always waving and flashing and stealing my attention. the people I once knew, the way I once was, is gone. the souls that once were so connected with mine have grown to be so distant. it's as if I feel the need to relive my past to know where I've come from, but it's become my everything and I am nothing now. those faces once so embedded in my mind they felt almost to be my own, now have moved on and I no longer can recall just what they are now, just in their pasts. I'm trying so hard to keep the past alive that I can't even see that I'm the only one living there with the fiments of my imagination. those friends no longer need me, I'm just fading into the past. in the land of emptyness where I no longer feel welcome in my past, yet I've blocked out a present and future, there is nothing. I am alone.
for most people that might be ok, but for me there is nothing worse. the thing I fear most is being alone. yet my whole life I've felt that way. for once I just want to belong somewhere and know I belong, stop having to paste a fake smile on and pretend to function on a human level. I want to feel loved and know that it won't be all complicated and I won't be hurt worse than the last time yet again. to stop falling for all the wrong girls and just learn how to cope on my own for awhile, without jumping from being in love to being in love with someone new. but my body says no, that is not allowed, you must keep this reputation as the joker, the sexaul one, the perv, the fuck up. that is the only thing you will ever be and your only purpose in life is to be a physical and emotional punching bag. don't bother having hopes and dreams, don't worry about your own happiness, you're not good enough to deserve such luxuries.
I'm scared. scared to pick up the phone and try to force her to hear me out. scared that afterwards she'll still hate me and my worst fears will come true. scared to have my heart broken yet again. I don't know if it could survive another time. already I'm so fragile and weak. all I am is fake confidence and stoopidity. I'm fighting so hard to be worth handing a deck of cards that has at least one good moment, but I try too hard and end up not even deserving a shitty deck. not even being ranked high enough to be considered fully human.
I'm sorry, I've pretty much wasted everyone who's ever met me's time and energy. I've hurt everyone I've ever cared about and I've ruined more chances than anyone should ever be given. I'm just a lost soul trying to find it's way to the finish line, to retire before it's too late and I'm stuck in another lifetime. it's too tiring to even try to think about.
everyone who's ever cared about me, I'm sorry for wasting your emotions. I should come with a warning label: will self destruct multiple times, starting now. sorry guys, I didn't mean to fuck everything up. I wish I could've faded away with the new year, but alas I cannot just desolve as much as that would be perferable to everyone. so here I am, in the beginings of 2011, asking everyone who's ever entered my life to forgive me for all that I am, all that I've done, and all that I could possibly do wrong. I'm asking them to help me find the strength to right all that I've wronged and control this evil beast dwelling within. I ask for a new page, a new book, a new begining to erase all that came before this new year and give me a chance to try to do it right this time, you might be surprised at how much I value each and every one of you and how hard I am willing to work to rectify the past.
thank-you to anyone who is willing to do this, to everyone else, goodbye.
slowly, as the tears begin to flow, as do the memories that I am trying to surpress to fully commit to you guys. please, at least try.
peace and love.
<3 <3
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