well. lessons learned today: 1. do not mix medication with energy drink 2. I should be locked in a room by myself not allowed to have any outside contact.
yeah. so I suppose a little insight on myself. behind all the layers of masks of confidence and knowledge and such, I'm really just a scared little human who hates myself with pretty much every particle of my being. I try to be what I want to somewhat turn out to be, thus all the masks I hide behind. although, sometimes I actualy shine through, do stoopid things, fuck shit up, and leave unintentional destruction in my wake. I set myself up for failure in every aspect of my life until I've cornered myself into a corner where I just beat myself to death, which may actually happen sometime in the future. the second I manage to escape the bindings I've placed on myself I tend to need to punish myself for the distress of higher human or non-human lifeforms. this generally comes in the form of 'self-mutilation' as they call it today. mainly any form of pain that actually hurts that it is bad enough will do. usually I repeatedly stick myself and drag small sharp objects on my skin, this way I get the initial sting and pain, along with the trails of it that follow as the wounds heal. only problem is, this still does not stop me from fucking up everything at every chance possible. turns out I always end up hurting the ones I love every time. it sucks. my conclution tonight is that I should not be allowed to see people, talk to them, or attatched any emotion whatsoever to them so I am no longer that hindrance everyone is silently plotting to be rid of but doesn't want to actually mention it. it is in everyone's minds, I see the way that they stare, that they 'forget' to converse with me, that they lie that they need me just to clear their conscience of the fact that if I gave in, my blood would be on their hands.
and then I realize, am I really human after all? I have trouble finding the boundries they all see as soon as they're set up, they are all at least one rung higher than me on the ladder of valuable life, they have a brain capacity I have a hard time even comprehending, let alone attaining.
so I am sorry humans, from now on I shall try to stay out of your way and stop bringing you pain. if I forget, please remind me
oh and reminder: when on antibiotics or any sort of medication, energy drinks are not a good plan. the high is scary. don't do it, it felt like my fingers were literally melting off the bone. and words just seem to be there. being high and trippy.
god luck earthlings,
<3 <3
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