hohono.

soo... chilling in San Fran waiting for a connector flight. so far, I managed to sleep, read, and feel like hit every time I attempt eating. ohh fun shinanigans. looks like it's delayed. even better. really not in the mood to be going anywhere. just want to get this stoopid week over with, come home, and make things right with my wife. I know that will take some time, but that's ok. I'll do anything.

delays are really starting to piss me off. about an hour here, an hour and a half from Vancouver. I wanna sleep!!! I had to wake up at bloody 7.15 to get to the airport like 4 hours early so my grandparents could go back and forth and stuff. this whole day has just been an epic fail. only way it could get any better is if SOMEONE would start talking to me again at least. but whatever. this isn't a pity party. so time to grow a pair and try to make the best of a week of Hawaii. with flash flood and mudslide warnings. fuck yeah. so they're prolly won't even be many chickas on the beaches and stuff to try and distract me. *insert booze here* thanks. could really use that. 

lunar eclipse tonight. might get to see it from the air. might not see it at all. what the hell would 1-3something am eastern time be in Hawaii?? just realized partway through the flight from Vancouver to San Fran that I kinda left my mom's Christmas present, the part I've had since summer and forgot to give her for her birthday cause I really don't hae anything else for her yet, at home. in a drawer in my bedside table- thinger. shiiiiit. half-assed present from nikki number 2 for her this year. I guess I'll give that to her late, when we get back. not that I really am celebrating this year. my family gave me spending money. other then one exchange with friends I think that's all the Christmas giftyness I'm doing this year. 

which reminds me I'm gunna have to get bribes to get my wife to stop being mad at me at some point. oh, girl drama, how fun.

up in the air at about 10.30-11ish at night having just finished my book, I think about how it could be me pregnant, just like one of the girls in the book. then I realize I can't get pregnant from sleeping with girls. and then I realize I also have no girls there's any possibility of sleeping with. the only girl I want, even if it means just being in her presence, nothing sexual in the least, hates me right now. and there's nothing I can do about that. so here I sit, who knows how many thousand km in the sky, with my life at the hands of some guy I've never met, surrounded by strange faces I may never see again, and all I want to do is cry. I fucked up badly. I lost the one person who means the world to me, and there's no telling if there's a possibility of us even being friends again. I can wallow in self-pity all I want, but what it comes down to is the fact that I need to get help and fix whatever it is that's wrong with me so I never put anyone, especially her, in pain like this again. it took me being like 4 or 5 states away (the farthest south I've ever been) to realise this. I know, I was just as sorry before, but now I know just how much she means to me. I know that I'd give anything to be close to her right now. to feel her heartbeat as I hold her close, lift the wisps of hair off her face, and wipe away those last few tears. 10 1/2 days till I see her again, and there's a great chance that when I do, she'll still not want anything to do with me. so if anyone out there is reading this: my advice to you is to let that special girl know how much you care about her, always put her before yourself, and love every moment of it. you never know when it will all end.

and if anyone has any 'get out of the doghouse' tips, please send them my way.  

<3 <3