well today started off good. that should've been a tip-off that it was going to get ugly. but no, I don't think like that yet, after years and years of only the worst. I managed to get JUST 50% on my english test. ENGLISH, you know, one of my favorite subjects, one that I usually do well in. and then I win jeopardy just to get even with karma. then she decides to be a bitch again and I literally blank on my physics test. I only answered 2 full questions and part A of #3. and then of course I end up bawling about it. so my sleeve got soaked from mopping up the tears. and then I was supposed to have two rehearsals. at once. just ended up doing the japanese one. then my mom storms into the school, drags me out, and stalks me around value village for 5mins, the whole time complaining about how she doesn't want to be there, and I should be looking at places with her so we're not homeless after december, because it's all my fault. then I give up, do you know how freaking hard it is to even attempt to look while someone's doing that? so of course the world is all my fault, and apparently I'm grounded if I don't wear my winter coat everyday. here's the thing: I've told my mom repeatedly that the reason I don't want to wear that stoopid jacket is because it's one of those really girly cropped parkas. most days I would rather die than wear it. honestly, even on the days I do still feel girly I like my baggy hoodies. a freaking cropped parka over those looks freaking ridiculous, not to mention, wearing it feels degrading and torturous.
then come home to more homework, which I'm still not done, and of course on the ride home I hear a song I love that I was hoping would never be released on the radio. once they're released, everyone pretends they always loved them and it ruins my love for them a little. but anyways sleepwalk by adam lambert comes on (which was my last breakup song. you know, that one you put on repeat for hours and think it's totally talking about your life) and then I go into a frenzy of having to listen to a bunch of adam lambert and p!nk, who pretty much got me through the summer. (I'll give top ten songs between the two at the end of this)
in the shower I had a bit of a depressed think about life/ epiphany. yes, I'm sucking completely in school and there's no way for me to stop that while I'm at Palmer, I cannot focus on anything school-related enough to do well in anything because I have too much pressure put on me already. I have to take a bunch of my mom's responsibility in finding somewhere to live, because apparently she needs me to be there, although she never cares about my opinion when I do, besides, it's only temporary. I'll be gone by the time I'm 18 1/2. and she puts the fact that's looming over our heads, that come january, we have no place to live, on ME. I'm 16, almost 17, but still. she is the mother, and has never acted like it from day 1 and it is past time she steps up. I have had way too much put on my plate for longer than I remember. I missed my childhood to make her happy, and now I'm missing my teenage years too. get out, get far, far away, never look back.
some people might say they hate their mom and mean it in an at the time way. no, I mean it with my whole heart. I have never felt safe with her around, never once felt completely loved or supported. I've heard more name-calling and put downs through those ugly teeth than kids misuse the word gay in a high school. being around her has made me learn to hate myself a little more each day. every time the schools ask us to comment on our study habbits or check off what your 'quiet study space' consists of, I have no clue what to answer. I have never been able to do a single piece of homework without being told I'm stoopid, or being yelled at for something that wasn't my fault. When I try to concentrate, she blares her music and tv. when I tell her I need to study for a test she makes me go out and do what she wants to do, then complains about my marks. there is no winning with her, there is nothing that is yours, it all belongs to her, there is no escape. she mocks me whenever I try to talk to her about anything serious. to this day, she thinks I'm just trying out a new sexuality every couple years. she will never believe me. which is fine, because I don't plan to stick around long enough for her to find out.
then there is the family. dear grandma, who will give me money just so I can go out with my friends and they won't laugh at me for not being able to buy anything. (I must admit I have abused this quite a few times. the amount of illegal substances my grandma has unknowingly bought me it quite shocking.) she is great, but she has a plan for me. a plan which consists of following in my soon-to-be aunt's footsteps as an ultrasound tech. she also knows I have no will to go anywhere near that. and then there's the pushing me to be perfect in academics because drama and art and such apparently don't matter. and I have to be fashionable and feminine and have too much class to even set foot in a thrift store. yeah. no. I'm different. that's not gunna work.
and all my friends. oh I love them dearly. but most of them know what they want. they know what schools they are wanting to apply to, how they're going to pay for it, what they want to become. and then there's me. every attempt I have at a career choice I eventually talk myself out of because I know I'm not good enough. and the ones a do really like, I'm told I can never survive off that and need a backup plan. I have no talent to put into a career. my life consists of rainbows, dorkiness, derby, and arts. what kinda of well-paying job comes from that? let me know, and you will have saved my life.
1. music again- adam lambert
2. don't let me get me- p!nk
3. strut- adam lambert
4. family portrate- p!nk
5. sleepwalker- adam lambert
6. oh my god- p!nk
7. sure fire winners- adam lambert
8. bad influence- p!nk
9. aftermath- adam lambert
10. dear diary- p!nk
11. last to know-p!nk
12. mean- p!nk
13. runaway- p!nk
14. split personality- p!nk
15. I don't believe you- p!nk
(ok, that was more than 10, but look them up. freaking awesome songs)
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