hold onto the feeling.

he knows it hasn't been that long, he knows that she's still so young and could grow out of him at any moment, he just doesn't care. he may have a whole world to figure out for himself, but he knows he wants her by his side as he does so. he knows he wants to spend his life with her, even when she speaks of someday with an almost certainty it will not be their future together. he feels cheated, like he hasn't been given the chance to prove to her how much of an option it is. he feels like telling the statistics to go fuck themselves, that high school romances can last. one part if his brain says he's kidding himself, his heart tells him he just needs to be better. he wants to promise forever. in this uncertain world, he wants to be her certainty.  <3 <3 

there's nothing else you can do.

after days away he can't seem to function properly anymore. he needs to see her, needs to feel her, needs to be there for her. he thinks of her and is instantly turned on, no second thoughts. it's getting to the point it's inconvenient timing all the time. while he waits he finds himself staying up far too late, waking up early, and doing nothing more than begging his phone to buzz with something new from her to get his mind going. it's driving him mad.  school doesn't start for another week, yet  he's figured it out how difficult everything will be and he isn't quite sure he's made a good choice. college is scary, it's setting in just how much effort he's going to need to put in. he just isn't ready to be worked on such a large scale.  <3 <3 

really good to hear your voice.

it all goes so well, he can open his mouth a little, he can explain just what she means to him. he honestly can start planning the rest of their lives together even though she's so young and they don't know how she'll feel about him once she gets a little older. he's terrified, but at the end of the day he wants her to be the one he grows old with. he wants to get her pregnant so she can have a child of her own (even if he promised he wouldn't get her pregnant as a joke). he wants to love her for as long as he can remember how to say the word love. although he can't picture the ceremony just yet, he wants to marry her someday. he wants to share every moment with her: the good, the bad, everything. he just wishes he could spend every moment with her. he stumbles across a post on an ex's blog, where she claims to be a girlfriend (a title she refused to call herself when he was mad about her). it stings for a second as he keeps reading. he feels like he never mattered, like he should be happy for her but she never even told him that she was seeing someone. then again he never told her. he guesses they're even, but it still hurts to see those words from the first girl he fell in love with.  <3 <3 

that's what I call entertainment.

and all of a sudden he doesn't know how much of it is his demisexuality and how much is how much he cares about her, but other girls mean nothing to him. he could have asses hanging out right in front of him, gorgeous girls all around and all he'll notice is bits and pieces. "nice hair" "like her makeup". none of it means anything because it isn't her. attractive people are just visually appealing, he has no actual attraction to them. no matter how week he knows them, whatever emotional attachment he has, all he notices is everything she is. walking down the street he sees things through two sets of eyes, things he finds aesthetically appealing, and thing he thinks she'll enjoy. somehow that makes life just so much easier, at the same time it makes him try to put effort into his own appearance more often.. his craft has been tested yet again, after months off from the gore it's a little difficult to get back into, but the amount of pictures let him know he can still pull it off. in the coming October he'll be trying his best to amp up the quality of his styles. somehow he'll figure out how to get to a place he can start makeup school and get the certification to do what he loves for a living. plus odd enough hours that derby might not be too much of an issue.  <3 <3 

you can't ever take the sky.

he's been so distracted by life and trying to figure out schedules for school and work at two different establishments and when his mother has planned. he's quite drained just from all the planning, not even the actual events. there's no time these days for him to make trips into tsawwassen to see his other half it seems, he's trying, it just doesn't feel like he's trying hard enough. the long breaks between the brief moments aren't enough to keep him from missing her so much that it hurts. his stomach keeps churning, his headaches more frequent, his energy levels are far lower than when he can see her. every bit just seems so much worse without her in his day every day. he's trying to break through to her, learn the little bits that make her who she is, why it's so deeply disturbing to her that he find her so beautiful. he's trying not to tear up at the thought of her having any pain, especially caused intentionally by others. he just wants to protect her, but first he needs to learn her monsters, learn what he's up against, learn how to get her to trust him enough to let him in. to be fair, he's having a hard time just getting out the three little words that keep his heart rate at an elevated pace, the one's that it's killing him keeping them inside, but he wants their escape to be prefect. he wants the moment to be right, the world to change, everything to be in just the right place. he wants her to know just how much he means it, how he isn't throwing it around like the rest of the teenage population. he wants to be able to take a deep breath and tell the world that he loves her.  <3 <3 

darkness turns to light.

he sits at home watching the clouds float over the sun, waiting for something to happen. waiting for his phone to buzz, waiting for some sign he should get up and light one of his last vanilla incense. he's just a piece of the man he hopes he'll someday be. as he walks down the street the old ladies stop him, calling him girl, chatting his eat off with stories of divorce and how men are evil. they warn him to be prepared for when he goes off to get married, little do they know that he's just trying to be one of the good men to a girl seeking solace in his arms.  he lays back, thinking over the days events, wishing there was something he could do to make his life seem worthwhile, change something drastic. he wants to bring a little peace to the women who keep telling themselves they aren't good enough, he wants to paint portraits of their lives on the big screen, he wants to make their life's count. every shred of his being is stuck, waiting for some way to turn the wheels of inspiration fast enough to create a whole rather than snippets that don't quite fit together.  so he'll keep thinking, keep wishing, keep holding onto hope.  <3 <3