prostitution is revolution.

ubc tour today. my family seems to want me to go there, it's where my uncle went. not to sure there's much I'd even want to study there and it's so freaking expensive. I know my family would pool together and pay for it, but then they'd pretty much own me for the rest of my life. I'm nothing like my uncle, I want to hurry up and be done with school so I can go away and not have anything to do with my family. I don't want to deal with the fights, the craziness, the hatred. I want to be disowned more than anything. 

bascially I want to finish highschool, get a job at a coffee shop or something, move out, and sever all connections with anyone technically related to me. I want to move into the city, participate in all sorts of gay rights movements, save up money and go to art school or something. maybe end up in a tattoo and piercing parlor. eventually I want to transfer to San Fran. 
and I really, really want to get hardcore into derby. as soon as I turn 19 I want to start going to raw meat practices. then, when september comes around I want to try out for fresh meat. by the time I'm 20 I want to be about to be drafted onto the faster pussycats. or maybe even public frienemy.

since lunch today I've been completely drained. honestly, I've been yawning, napping, and all sorts of stuff since I ate. it goes away for a few minutes every now and then, but then it's back just as bad, if not worse than before. might be a good idea to sleep a good... 6 or 7 hours tonight instead of like 4. dammit tumblr, why must you be so addicting?? 

have so much work to do in no time, should be interesting to see how much, if any actually gets done. fucking deadlines. would be a lot easier if I wasn't tired. and didn't have things planned for me for every day. and now even when that stuff doesn't distract me, it's freaking hard to breathe. it's not fair how in order to bind one's chest, they must give up the ability to fully expand their ribcage. it's annoying.  have to have such a tight thing on is stoopid, but it's better than having to deal with everything that comes with being physically female. maybe one day I'll be able to take my shirt off on hot days and not have to worry about anything. maybe I'll be able to run without anything constricting me and not feel that jiggle that leads to pain. right now there's no winning, but maybe one day.

leave me a question, idea, topic, etc. and guess the songs from my post titles. 
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment below.

<3 <3 

let's make this last forever.

I miss her. honestly, I don't care that it's been almost four months since she loved me. I don't ever want to give up. I can try to get over it, try to move on, but who the fuck am I kidding? anytime I think of the perfect girl it is her and I can't escape that. as much of a stoopid girly movie as it was, win a date with tad hamilton had a really good point. there are three types of love: love, big love, and great love. love takes a few days to get over, big love takes a few months, and great love changes your life. you will never get over it and may not be able to actually love again. I'm pretty sure this is great love. I know, most people say that when they're young, but it's really always been her. every time I broke up with someone they thought it was for her, almost all my friends know just how I feel about her, and have since... well since we've known each other pretty much. just being close to her makes me stop breathing (and this is when I thought I had started to get over her). there doesn't seem to be any other possible explination.. 

really really really need to have a full out gay day. just roaming around davie like it's pride in full out rainbows and hunting some little lesbians. :) maybe just boob hunting with Aliza..?

rawr. glee makes me have no sleep. that ad tumblr...

yeahhh. ask me questions, give me ideas and shizz :)
then guess songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment below.

<3 <3 

you give me something I can feel.

I realized that this year will be the 10th anniversary of 9/11. 10 years of war over stoopid things like oil. now look at gas prices. this is bullshit. so many people have died, have been scarred, have become so screwed up it isn't even funny just because some fucking bastards decided they want to take over the oil supplies. they could've stopped at freeing afganistan or whatever they said the war was originally to accomplish. but no, the fucking government and the armies just keep sending more innocent people to their deaths, filling them with hope they will have served their country. in reality, many have died before they even hit the battlefield, before they did any good to cancel out the bad, before saving civilians from other soldiers who just want oil. fucking pricks who run these orginizations. greedy fucking pricks. and they don't care about lives being lost by the thousands. as long as they make money. what has humanity come to?

in the 'safe' parts of the word we barely bother to try to protest, most people would rather rake in the gold and life the unrealistic American dream. we entertain ourselves with fuzzy animals and expensive cars and try to forget that somewhere out there, somebody's baby is dying, somebody is taking the life of another just so they can gain their possessions. it makes me sick. 

here we are: the kids, the youth, filling our heads with useless information on how to find x in a clusterfuck of numbers and letters, then trying to graph it. we do this without obligation in the hopes of someday becoming rich and getting to occupy ourselves with expensive gadgets. we do this without question, as they tell us that we are too young to do any different, too fucking young to make a real difference, too young to know what we really want. they try to control us, work us past our breaking point, use us as a new generation of slaves to society. and we let them. we bend over and let them fuck us over. because our parents tell us it's the right thing to do. because we don't know any other way. because we're too lazy to bother trying to make things right. and because it is human nature to want to fit in and nobody wants to be the first to try.

so attacks keep happening, the earth gets battered in the proccess and fights back, sends earthquakes, tsunamis, whatever, trying to tell us to stop the nonsense and just live in peace once more. but there is too much corruption that has been done than can be undone. there is too much sin in the soul of every human. there is no end. and the cycle continues as the same bullshit 'values' of greed and pride and all sorts of stoopidity are passed down from generation to generation. there is no escape.

any questions or topics or whatever you'd like to see in the future, send my way. and don't forget to guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment below ;)

<3 <3      

marry me today, guess I'm wishing my life away.

there was another earthquake in japan.. ohshit. honestly, this needs to stop happening. I know to many people with family there. I have family there, not that I've met them but still... eventually everywhere will be getting earthquakes and stuff and there will be no more money to help countries. we're all fucking doomed.

sucker punch. I could go on forever. freaking awesome. first I was like.. mmmmmmmmmmm hot girls, dragons FUCK YEAHHH!! then it actually started.. yes, I needed a drool rag because of hot girls made hotter with guns and planes and katana and shizz. there were freaking nazi steampunk zombies!!! and orcs!!!! and even though it was all action and sexy and all that, there actually was story. and honestly it was beautiful. despite what a shitload of people are saying, it made me THINK. not many movies these days can do that, so props for that. hot girls and brilliance all at once. except the ending.. it all happened to fast. it was a long movie, so I guess they just wanted to fit it in a movie size, but the ending needed to be drawn out longer.

gender being bipolar. annoying. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
screw it all, I AM AN IT!!!!!!! it is decided, I am human, I can have a soul patch and wear a purple tailcoat and bowtie with a giant-ass poofy skirt. because I just fit right on the line that seperates gender. ok? so girly days, manly days, human days, all the same. XD

nighty nights bitches.

questions, topics, ideas, etc hit me up. and guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or comment BELOWW

<3 <3

they were put there by a man in a factory downtown.

each day away from school I start to feel more and more comfortable being as manly as I want. lately I've been having less and less femmey days. the only times that I really feel al that feminine is when there's a girl I really like around. and she talks to me. and yeah.. other then that I am starting to just abandon most of the girly things about me one at a time. I will always love rainbows and hugs and hello kitty and some things like that, but I stray farther from any visable makeup (besides eyebrows), girlier clothing, even the way I walk....
there are so many things I hate about being physically female: stoopid high voice, inability to grow facial hair, having to work hardcore to try and get any muscle whatsoever, having guys assume I'm straight and trying to use me as some sex toy, having to practically fight to have any say in anything, family trying to get me into dresses and crap, tiny frame, and that week every month where emotions and hormones go crazy and my gender is rapid-cycling bipolar. it's all annoying as fuck. 

I have established that boxers with skinny jeans are as nesassary as socks with most shoes. honestly, best feeling in the world almost. would love to invest in some guys skinnies. been wanting work boots for a while too. mmmmmm.

doubt I'll ever find someone needing a hair model in Richmond, hoping I can scrounge up enough to go pay to get my hair cut somewhere. driving me crazy trying to think of new ways to hide how long my hair has gotten. I'd rather shave it all off then have it like this much longer....

aliza's supposed to be putting together a lesbian mix CD for me since I don't know any lesbian bands, haven't even heard a Tegan and Sarah song... I know, I'm a horrible lesbian. I also prefer dogs over cats.. this should be interesting. 

actually talked to my mom about GAB and the people there and what goes on and how nice the staff/ volunteers are. she seemed to really like that, hopefully buy me some brownie points so I can go more often. I think she's starting to actually accept that I don't like boys at all a little. which is good so I won't kill her quite so fast. 

also got to talking about post-secondary. I managed to tell her about my wanting to do tattos/ piercings. she's still hoping for me to do something more mainstream. so I told her about my other idea, being an LGBT counsellor. she actually pretty much aprooved of that. makes me happy. maybe all hope of communication inst quite lost... :)

anyways, if you have any questions or ideas for me, hit me up. then guess the songs from my post titles. 
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment below. ;)

<3 <3 

I wanna make you horny, I wanna get it on.

so today was good. I mean.. I only ate a muffin, a chocolate egg, and some cookies all day, so I basically ran off of soy chai latte which isn't too good, but whatever. that might explain the headache and the feeling somewhat highness. that could be why I was driving really badly.. apparently like I was drunk. almost got in a bad car crash. didn't see the car coming as I was turning left, couldve been really bad possibly deadly if they hadn't stopped. oops.. 

anyways. got andre to start reading my script and some really good notes. it's good to have another gay prospective. especially a guy who can tell me about what it's like for guys. it'll be interesting trying to rewrite bits. I hate rewriting so I dunno if I'll really take many of his ideas. but I'll at least try to add some of it in. who knows when I'll find the time to get all this stuff done. still like 15 pages of the gr.9 Japanese book, got the gr.10 one to go. plus a bunch of socials homework, and a comedy sketch script for acting. then trying to rewrite my big script that's getting marked. FUUU-
and then on top of that my mom wants to go to the aquarium tomorrow, then dinner at her friend's place. Sunday I'm seeing a movie with friends at like 4.30, and UBC tour for a full day next week, and a BCIT tour for an hour the next day.... so much for lots of spring break time.... 

finally was allowed to go to GAB this week. I kinda went in thinking it would be like last time, I'd meet some people and get to know them and stuffs.. NOPE. that did not happen. there were like 50-60 people and I knew.. 4 or 5. even the people I did know didn't really talk to me that much. one of them left early, I kinda talked to andre and it made me feel a little more at home. but then I just hung out with aliza and it got a lot better. I felt like I really belonged there. just the two of us talking and picking out the cutest girls and all that fun stuff. I guess I don't really fit in with the big crowd, just certain people who want to actually talk. and it doesn't hurt that we're rainbows galore. XD although it's hard to beat 400something rainbows.. oh well, I'm still pretty up there. boos to get more rainbowed things.. that have a bunch of rainbows on one thing. like aliza's necklace with 200something rainbows.. I really missed her. we need to hang out more. I miss people who just hug and love and don't make me feel like they're judging me. don't make me feel like they know so much more about everything and I'm completely stoopid. I wish I had more people like that in my life. 

my head is really starting to hurt... I prolly need water but I'm kinda lazy so I'll wait till I wake up. skittles are much closer :)

today as I was uber excited for going to GAB I ended up thinking about my past and my sexuality and stuff. I really didn't know what a lesbian was until I was in high school, let alone that it was normal to be attracted to other girls. I was an innocent, sheltered child who thought gay was funny and a bad word and that calling people gay was the worst insult ever. I mean, I didn't know anything, just what my peers said so I honestly remember slapping this one guy in elementry school just because everyone thought he was gay. it makes me sad that no one ever educated us so we didn't know better. I'm ashamed that I ever wanted to fit in badly enough to listen to such homophobic things. I kinda want to educate the elementry kids about lgbt type things. even before going into school kids know about straight love. all the gender stereotypes are being beaten into their heads and that they are supposed to find someone of the other sex to love. I'd love to educate those tiny children about all love, how there are all sorts of sexualities and gender identities and that's ok. I want them to learn before they fall into the pit of unintensional homophobia that so many kids even as young as 10 have gotten into. I want children and people of all ages to be accepting and never put anyone through what I put that one kid through.. 

any questions or ideas for what to write about?? drop me a line. and the go guess my songs from post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment below. 

<3 <3  

all the passing parahnas.

driving down to the states... I now understand why people say driving is tiring. honestly, on long trips passangers can stretch out, move around a bit, even take a little nap. when you drive you sit.. in one position, being careful and alert of everything around you... body is in pain. might have to get someone to walk on my back tomorrow. and even with hot chocolate to keep me somewhat awake I still was falling asleep from the moment I walked in the door. pretty sure I fell asleep at the wheel for a few seconds... while going 120km/h OOPS =P

glow in the dark minigolf. in bellis fair. sketchyyy. ok, so there's two kids working in the whole place. they look like... 20ish. 1. how the hell would that place stay opened with only like.. 2 groups in at a time mostly. that can't be enough to make money. even if it's $8 a person. then the whole time we were there they play red hot chilli peppers (which was great, but not exactly normal for a minigolf place.) and then halfway through they both leave out the back door. I'm pretty sure they were getting high. with blacklights customers can't see red eyes. plus red hot chilli peppers?? COME ON!!! and prolly selling drugs to afford the space. but that would be an awesome place to work. 

rawr. tiiiiiiired.

hit me up. give me ideas. guess my songs from post titles. 
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment below..

<3 <3 

if you show me the will to change, I swear I will help you, I will.

I am generally amused by the fact that  it takes something as simple as wearing a faster pussycats shirt and pointing out my shirt says pussy to make me happy. honestly, not only is derby amazing, but favorite team (GAHH purple and silver and black) AND I get to say pussy. doesn't get any better than that.

carnival with some pretty awesome chickas. mmm fast rides, greasy yummy doughnuts, girls galore, and proving manliness. it is great. I sat on a wall. gotta love no gravity. general awesomeness is just awesome. wish every day were so simple. sometimes the top of a ferris wheel is the only place where life seems real. people connect, reconnect, and bond in ways no other place can make them bond. staring out into the night with the lights glittering here and there. talking, cuddling to stay away from the breeze. there is not better feeling. unless you count the first time a beautiful girl looks at you and you can see she wants you, the first time she grabs your hand, the first time your lips meet, the first time you tell her that you love her and mean it, the first time your bodies seem to mold together. girls and amusment park rides, the best feelings on earth. or just the general feel of being out at night in the peace of the darkness. 

I've realized Tay I do not actually know how to be alone. I float from lover to lover not letting myself breathe in between. I want to do this differently. it has been months, I should be ready to move on, even if I will always love her. I need an outlet to pour all my love into, a person who makes me feel whole again. I need a girl every bit as emotional as me. hoping for not drama...

give me a shout if you have any ideas or anything of the sort for me. guess my songs from my post titles. 
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment below ;)

<3 <3 

more and more I wonder, why do I still love her.

with each passing day it seems as if a little more feminine dies inside. each day I am alone without her, I feel like I just need to become one of those jerkface guys trying to get into girls' pants. because really I'm just a total dick like that. I wish I could change, but every time I try I fuck up, hurt someone I love, and end up with everyone finding out and turning against me. I've had so many groups of friends turn their backs on me with just a single mistake. sometimes I wonder if there's a point of even trying. I'm just waiting to slip up again, until I am completely alone. until people stop trying to get close and realize the only thing they could get from me is dissapointment. I try to pretend I have a heart, I can give people the caring they need. but she ripped it from me, stole it 2 1/2 years ago. and now she's shattered it. no way for repair. there is nothing left to try and keep peace. 

little by little I hate this skin and try to get away. I want to rip away any evidence of physical sex. all that should be seen is what is inside, gender. although that is a mystery, changing slightly on the scale day by day. traces of female are starting to feel like burning embers, things to be discarded. but then there will be a single day amonst them where the masculinity will back down and I start to feel like I actually was placed in a body that matches what I feel inside. until the next day. 

these are the most confusing days of our lives. every day to live is a struggle, yet they expect us to be able to handle the extra stress of transitioning from high school life to whatever comes after. these are days where we are expected to a tually learn complicated things, to do extremely well in order to be able to get into a good post secondary school. how can we be expected to do that when we can barely figure out what our emotion at the time is, let alone what x equals. there are not enough brain cells to conquor so much at once, yet they expect us to do it all and don't give a second glance at those who struggle. there is no help for those who are not average. those who do not understand things taught in a one-size-fits-all format. fuck that.

hit me up? throw around an idea or two to improve my blog? and then guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment below.

<3 <3 

the smell of wine and cheap purfume.

everything is drifting away. people get farther and farther with each passing second, they learn to live without you, to forget how you impacted ther lives. people who your whole world revolved around, who spent almost every moment with you, just dissappearing before you can begin to understand what has been going on. the seperation is a gap you promised to never let get between you. promises mean nothing. 'best friends' means nothing. the world keeps moving and spinning and new people enter both of your lives, new things start to take over. but there are still memories of what used to be, of how things once were, of a place you had lived together in harmony. although it's just memories. and then you are alone and you see their life growing and you wonder what happened. why did promises made between best friends have to be broken? why do people you still love dearly seem to have forgotten you completely. you try to reason, think of what's been going on in their lives, give them the space to sort it out. but you want to be there for them, you want to fix their pain. they don't need you, they have someone else to fix it all. you are alone. 

over and over again this happens. sometimes I wonder why I bother. I can honestly say there has not been a single person I have not felt like try hated me at some point or another. even if for a very brief moment. it fuels the trust issues, reinforces the worthlessness placed deep into my head, makes day to day life a living hell. I try to get past it. I try to keep a smile. but them I am alone at night and all the feelings come rushing down my cheeks in a hot, salty form. 

this skin doesn't fit right, trying to find a cure. the real thing is, it's all a mistake. I have proven just a waste of flesh unable to try and make something more of myself. 

silently I beg at the cold, at the wind: take me, free my from my confines. 

send shizz to write about, before I ramble more about anything that pops into my mind..
guess songs from post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment below.

<3 <3 

why does it feel so obscene.

don't feel like writing a lot today but here goes..

went to the steveston walk for japan. between ten and two they made at least $72000 and there were aprox. 30000 people doing the walk. great turnout. great cause. that makes me happy inside. only thing is that it was only a 1k walk. shouldve been a lot longer.

I love how funny my great grandma can be. she's 92, and has dimenssia (sp?). she always thinks it's someones birthday or something of the sort. she keeps forgetting silly things and saying she doesn't like things out of nowhere. today she though my grandparent's van was mine, and that the lights on at grouse mountain were for new year's eve. she usually sings to herself in Japanese too..

got my grandpa to dig out his old plaid suit from when my mom was a baby. hardcore 70s shit. and then I tried it on and almost gave my grandma a heart attack. apparently I'm not allowed to love it that much because I'm physically a girl. whatever, I'm manly enough internally. it was amazing. going to wear the vest and jacket to school the first day back after spring break. bonus marks in socials maybe??? WITH a mustache.

rawr. gender being a bitch again. why can't people just let people be genderless, they only base it on physical sex. NOT COOL. I has no gender bitches. 

anyways I'm tired, pce bitches, and to my random people checking this out from Saudi Arabia, India, Denmark, and other euro-asian countries, thank you. I hope you find some truth and peace by stopping by, I love you guys. hit me up because I'd love to get to know you a little. this goes for everyone. and give me questions/ topics/ themes/ etc to help build this on what you guys want. then guess my songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
nexopia: nikkiilovee
skype: nikkii.oreoo
or comment below ;)

<3 <3 

you may say I'm a dreamer.

today was nightwolf's funeral. I honestly have never seen so many kids in one place besides school and we day. he touched so many people's hearts and the ceremony didn't leave a single dry eye, even people who didn't know him but went to support friends. I honestly think that it was a good representation of his life and who he was. and this is coming from someone who had only shared a bunch of times at lunches and breaks having a smoke. honestly, outside times at the pit I never really saw him. but he was such an amazing person that even knowing him that little was an honor. 
I can't believe it was only 13 days after he was dignosed. and abdominal cancer there's only a 1/10000 chance of getting. he was unique like that. everyone knew him, everyone loved him. may he rest in peace. or rest in paradise as many are saying. 

after that whole emotional time eventually got to my mom's coworker's saladmaster dinner. it was great. so many vegitables in cake, but it still tasted completely like cake. and after dinner we all sat around with arfican tea (which was freaking amazing) and talking about things. I was the only one under 35, but I felt so at home there. I could contribute to the conversations and could relate to the things they talked about. I actually felt smart and peaceful and like we were all equal. there was no judgement, no arguing, just the sharing of information and a good time. sometimes I actually enjoy the company of older people better because of that. there's none of the teenaged drama or angstyness. everyone has lived enough to just be accepting and enjoy the company. it's beautiful. if everyone could be like that people would learn so much from each other in PEACE instead of fighting over money and comparing to each other's status and all that other bullshit that doesn't matter. 

when it comes down to it, once you're gone none of that matters, but the person you were and the way you treated others will last for an eternity. so why don't we all just live in peace and forget greed and judgement. let's all live and love and be free. 

it's going to be hard to come back from spring break and go back into such a hostile enviroment. go back to where people are judged about everything and grades are second only to how "cool" you are. I'm done with highschool. I'm ready for peace. I'm ready to learn on my own terms instead of being force-fed useless information. I get the need for education, but it's just that the school system goes about it all wrong. even if they do want to teach everyone all the subjects they could at least have different classes for people who learn a simular way being all together. also, they try to keep everyone as open and accepting as possible but they are hypocrites. they judge students based on school system failures. it's time they learn how to teach the generation of the future in a way that would allow for a better tomorrow. 

any questions, topic ideas, themes, etc??? hit me up and let me know. guess the songs from my post titles?? 
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment below ;)

<3 <3 

I've been a bad, bad girl for so long.

too much rebecca black...makes me want to tear my eyes out a little, but it's so annoying and addictive.. FAAAARCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

in other news SPRINNG FUCKING BREAKKK! except not for me because I have to study. yeahh.. sucks. it really does.

got the whole rant about post-secondary and my failing 3 subjects and all that from the family today. it was greeeeat... I just love how they don't even bother to think that it's fucking hard and the teachers aren't teaching in a way I can understand. I really struggle to keep focused and I need someone to keep it interesting so I will actually do work, or work on it one-on-one. that doesn't happen so I fail and I cry because I'm not used to failing, and then IU go home and get yelled at about it. like I don't feel bad enough about it. school system, family, so insensitive.

before that spiel my grandma was going on about grad dresses.... I had to practically hold my mouth shut to keep from screaming at her that I didn't want a dress, I want to wear a tux. I want to have the most beautiful date, give her the best night of her life, and walk in with everyone's eyes in the whole room on her. I don't want to deal with an annoying dress, have it take away from my admiring her perfect smile. I don't want to spend weeks looking for some 'perfect dress' that I feel completely uneasy wearing, that makes me want to slowly rip off my own skin. I'd love a tailcoat, and a bowtie would be amazing too :) how exactly am I going to break this to my family? I mean, I'm not even exactly out to them. then telling them their little girl doesn't want to be the little prom princess... it's scary to think of their reactions. considering they pretty much let me have no option but to have the exact career path they want for me. and trying to make me think the only was to be successful is to make a lot of money. I don't give a fuck about currency, life is valued in love, success is measured in happiness. happiness for me is to be free and do what I want without worry. Happiness is being able to express the feelings inside where I can't feel completely at ease in this body all the time. sometimes my physical sex varies greatly from my gender. I just want to abolish the lines between male and female and just be labeled as human.

stress stress stress.

questions? ideas/ themes/ topics/ etc??? send them, keeps me from rambling about things that make no sense. hit me uppp and let me know. then guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or comment below.

<3 <3

memories fade like looking through a fogged mirror.

after highschool... who/ what's going down??
so I have a few different plans.. most involve roadtrips...
with one group of friends I'm supposed to roadtrip through california in the summer.
another group of friends I'm supposed to roadtrip for a year through all of the states. go to the wizarding world of harry potter, austin texas for the derby, and all sorts of shizz.
my friends from my new school say we're apparently going on a roadtrip too... don't know where or for how long... should I be scared??
and then there's school. my mom wants me to go to langara, the rest of my family insists on UBC (which I do NOT have the marks for). and I'm like.... maybe emily carr, maybe langara, maybe kwantlen, maybe capilano college??? indecisiveness for the win.
people who I'd be wanting to see... I'd love to go to aussie and visit my tiamia. or just kick in in san fran and meet people. maybe go to japan and meet my great grandma's family. possibly even brazil to visit my mom's friend.. and the lesbians there of course. =P
but the absolute best would be to fix things with my wife by then and move into my own place and spend as much time with her as possible. *gushgushgush*

on that note. school stick sucks. how I'd be able to get into any post-secondary school is beyond me.. BUT I figured out if I can bring my year mark up to 40% and get 72% on my final then I can pass math. FUCKKK YEAHHHHH =P

st.patty's day. and apparently despite the ALL OVER green no one thought it good enough excuse to kiss me :( and I mean hardcore ALL OVER green. people stopped me in the halls, turned around on the stairs to comment on how I always dress up for holidays and spirit days. I was a freaking leprechaun pretty much. rainbows and all ;)

so yeah, keep the questions/ topics/ themes/ etc coming. guess the songs in my post titles. and yeahhhh. all that good shit.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or comment below ;)

...oh and it's FRIDAY, tomorrow is saturday, and the day after is sunday. or whatever. now what seat should I take???

<3 <3

there's too much that time cannot erase.

freedom? apparently this is a free country. no, it's a fucking system of legal slavery. the government is out to steal every last soul and turn everyone into emotionless worker bees. less vacations, less family time, less of a life, everything. and now with the shit school system that's taking place.. who the fuck gives someone two years of work to do over a two week spring break?? I know I'm behind, but have a fucking heart and give me a little more time and a little less taking over the only part of the next month I was looking forward to. so much for just relaxing and getting better and seeing people. I HAVE NO LIFE!!!

there is a reason that some words start with the same letter...
society and synthetic
population and phoney
lesbians and love
government and gullable
school and stoopid
horny and happiness
pussy and pleasure
creativity and carefree
and the list goes on...

yeahhhhh.. still sick. it's brutal. honestly couldn't breathe out of my nose almost all day. it was a little like death. maybe worse, because I had to go to school at the same time..

so today was parent teacher interviews... shit. I actually cried talking to mr.chow... my physics mark makes me sad..

anyways.. send me questions. so I can rant about actual things.. and ideas/ themes/ etc. and guess songs from post titles. yeyeahhhhh. hit me uppppp
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or COMMENT because you're cool.

<3 <3

my submission is your addiction.

sick sick sick. I HATE BEING SICKKK!!! it's no fun. at all.

get two short days at school in a row, then a full FRIDAY (where that song will be fucking stuck in my head) before the completely epic two weeks of spring break. fuck yeah bitches, I get two weeks, do you? unless you live in BC prolly not so HA!!! fully looking forward to actually sleeping and shizz like that. and seeing people and partying like it's...... 1999 HOOOSHITT!!! except me not being 5, cause that would suck ass..

FRIED EGG FRIED EGG =) two more days till fried egg. sorry... that's all in my brain cells...

industrial piercing over spring break? fuckkk yeah, I think so. and hopefully finally getting haircut. it's been too long for forever. byebye blonde FINALLY!!!!! =P kinda really stoked to just have really fucking short hair for once. it'll be so much easier to take care of. and not so dead from bleach and being really old and all that fun shinanigans.

so glee. GAHHH KLAINE!!! and I haven't even watched the episode yet, just went on tumblr and IT'S EVERYWHERE!!! and gay love and kisses and YAYYYY <3 I don't know if I should smile or squee or cry or what. just basking in the awesome right now. cause that's the only thing I can do right now. spring break I'm getting caught up on glee and that is final. XD

apparently I have a pro-D on april 15... shit. that means no school on the day of silence.. go through the mall?? and how the fuck am I going to organize school getting group together for day of silence if there's no school? rawr. way to fuck up another awesome day life. first I figure out my uncle's wedding is the same day as pride, now the day of silence is a pro-d day. what is this fuckery???

really want chocolate all in my stomach right now. NOM

anyways.... any questions for those of you who read this? because you're awesome :) what about ideas/ topics/ themes/ etc??? or guessing songs from post titles??? PLEASEEE??? hit me up
email- nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook- nikki oreo barnes
or comment BELOW ;)

<3 <3

I'm tired of this stupid game, of running in circles for you again.

reremembered exactly why across the universe is my favorite movie. I mean, COME ON not only are the songs all beatles songs, and the characters are all from beatles songs. BUTT ALSO all the random references to the songs in the dialogue. it makes me squee repeatedly for the whole fucking movie. XD

apparently the world hates me. so it's a monday. the monday before spring break. I has a shitload of work to finish before I can go be awesome and sleep in and shizz. and then I start getting sick :( FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. so not only do I have to do a bunch of stuff, but I didn't get to do any of it today because I was busy not being able to open my eyes and having a fever and all that funness. fuuck yeahhh

IT'S PI DAYYYYY!!! totally didn't have enough money to buy pie to eat :'( which sucks, but whatever, I think I'll live. just have to get ready for it next year. NOOOM. pie. can't wait for the summer pie eating contests. see if I can get 3 this summer, since my record is two... I'm such a fattie.

four more days until I'm free of the horrid place they keep us cooped up for hours on end every day. two weeks of freedom to just go chill and BREATHEEE! this has been needed for a long time.

can someone explain the notion of wanting to be rich and doing absolutely no work to me? even if that would be nice sometimes, why would anyone want that much money?? there is no fucking use for it so why even bother?? go to the thrift store, buy some clothes, get a cute little house, and drive around in horse-drawn carriages. the world would be so much better.

another thing. what is with the straight man obsession with lesbians? sooo fucking tired of LBs hearing I'm a lesbian and then being attached to me hoping that they'll get to watch me with another girl. HONESTLY?? fuck you. it's love, nothing to be gawked over like if you stare long enough you'll end up getting in on it. and all the lesbian porn obviously made for straight men, it's just kind of sick. what ever happened to just letting love be love? now it's all about getting off. people use other people's love to get off to. *shakes head*

that is all. my throat hurts. I don't feel like getting angry about shizz right now.

QUESTIONS??? themes/ topics/ etc??? then guess the songs from my post titles. XD
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or comment below.. ;)


<3 <3

unlock your brain, let your mind stay free.

went to a seniors appreciation lunch at the steveston buddist temple. good food. so much good japanese food. and yeknow, it was kinda awesome that my great grandma was the oldest at our table by like... 6 years. *fist pump*

apparently I actually can tell if a guy is 'cute' even if he's not really androgynous.. say what???? I mean... I saw this guy. and I was like DAMN, I WISH I WAS YOU. get all the chickas and such.. but then I came to my senses and realized that straight girls are really horrible people most of the time. I don't get along with that many, so why the fuck would I want to date one?? yeah. but as far as men go, he was pretty sexy. oh hipsters.

anyways. `tis windy outsideeeee. I DUNTTT LIKEEE!

want it to just stop fucking raining and be nice enough that I can go out skating again. yeah. because my fitness is like.... -9999999999 and that is not gooooood.

oooh. guess what? my wife actually responded to a message from me today. THERE MAY BE HOPE IN THE WORLD!!!!

rawwrrrr. brain. dead. hells yeahhhh XD

give me questions. I know somewhere out there, there is someone reading this. so doooo it. and topics/ ideas/ whatever the fuck else you wanna call things for me to write about. and then when you're done that, guess what songs my post titles are from. ok gorgeous?? GET TO IT!!!

<3 <3

you wrecked my life so now I'm gunna drive all night.

do not like driving in the pouring rain and wind. honestly, it scares me. but I like the speed of the highways. kinda like I'm getting away from the world for a little bit. nothing but empty road ahead, so who cares if I go 115-120ish. freedom. GAHH if only everything were that simple..

so day goes something like this:
wake up and get ready to go to surrey. find out I have to spend the ENTIRE day with jus my mom pretty much. whatever, it was fine most of the time. so then drive to kwantlen and get bit he'd at about everything from the way I break to the parking spots I choose. finally go inside and get into a tour. grab some pamphlettes, get yummy free lunch,grab some people's signatures to I can enter contest to win credits towards tuition or ipad or something. all fine and dandy for the most part. leave kwantlen. go to krispy kremes because I never get to go and I had a coupon for a free doughnut. get botched at for parking spot again. and for taking too long to find the exit. whole drive home she's being a bitch and expecting me to know where to go when she didn't tell me. go to her friend's house (where I finally get some coffee). edit a nursing paper. go to meet the family at mcdicks so we can pick up stuff from my grandma. end up spending hours and getting plans to go to some seniors day at a buddist temple thinger.. and then get home. that's when it gets interesting.
firstly, bitched at for not basically having dinner made when I wasn't even home, not studying my ass off till I understand everything and get 100% in things I'm failing, and making any noise. then she compares me to her severely special needs students and then to Charlie sheen, because I'm apparently that fucked up. I do actually see the crazy, but there's no way to know for sure because of my not being tested. stoopid healthcare. stoopid school system. stoopid society.

anyways, after eating and being tired of her playing games on facebook on my lap top right beside me when I'm supposed to be studying, I snap.
no exactly sure what happened. basically, she walks into my room, tells me I'm stoopid and had so many chances but I didn't get anyone to help me with the subjects I'm failing so evey day at lunch I get to study with teachers. then she changes her mind and I have to call someone right then to help me (at 9pm on a Saturday). she doesn't like the tact I think my friends have lives, so she threatened to take my iPod again. she grabs for it and next thing I know I've pushed her, pretty much hit her, she ripped the sleeve of the shirt I was wearing fighting back, and I am now grounded for spring break. lovely. dunno what I did. she just keeps aggravating me more and more and I can't handle it after a certain point. FUUUU

so done with the rule of life and shizz. so done with trying to be good.

before I fall asleep I guess I should finish....

questions?? topics/ themes??? anything????? guess the songs from my post titles?????
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment below.

<3 <3

praying for love in a lap dance.

japan. oh shit. so pretty much a shit-tonne of people I know/ am related to are living there. some of them I have no clue if they're even alive anymore. fucking tsunamis and shizz. :(

really not wanting to get into that.

anyways. sending friends a bunch of gay rights photos for their socials project. because apparently there is no way to get really good pictures if you're not as gay and proud and whatever as me. it's cool. I love it. it makes me happy. and if it gets messages out to people, it's a plus. ;) GAHHHHH!!! gay love and rainbows and hugs and sex and more rainbows and glitter and all that good stuff. and girls with mustaches.. NOM. yeah.....

so the other day my friend told me about this couple. her friend from back home (in hong kong) and her friend from out here. they've been dating for like.. 6 months, known each other for about a year, and engaged a month... not even. anyways, the one from hong kong is flying out here for the wedding and hopefully to live afterwards. this is happening like next week. best part: they've never met in person, just over skype and stuff. so they are getting married and had a whole long distance relationship. you know you are sure they're the one when... or you know.. the whole lesbian u-haul stereotype... ahahahaha. but yeah, it's crazy. and adorable. and I was trying to talk about it yesterday but I was wayyy too fucking tired.

lalalala... off to kwantlen surrey campus tomorrow. free lunch XD and prizes. and shinanigans. so yeah. oh, and I guess finding out about post-secondary shizz. I mean, that's the part my mom wants me to do..

questions? anything?? ideas/ topics/ themes/ random bits from brains??? guess the songs from my post titles???? you know that's what you really want to do right now. hit me up.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or just comment below.

<3 <3

I will shine my light on you.

sitting in the corner, listening to people debate who was the best presedent, prime minister, and about the American economy. totally learn more in English than my other classes. woot.

I wish I could keep up with those conversations but 1. I know nothing about the government, 2. I can't process fast enough. 3. if I knew what to say I wouldn't have time to say it they talk so much. 

really just fucked when it comes to report cards. failing 3 subjects. scared as shit. don't want to think about it.

so one of my friend's friends calls me ... shit train of thought derail. ...

fucking tired. I'm done. 

questions, ideas, topics for discution. hit me up. 
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment below.

<3 <3   

and when the sky is falling don't look outside the window.

people. we try to see others in their entirety, but humans are too complex for such things so we see each other in 2D. each person in any given person's life has a purpose. there isn't muc other than that purpose that can be seen. we judge each other not based on looks, or how we act, but for the role they play in our lives, the side that is turned towards us. some people are a little more complex in their role in our lives (best friends, some family, etc). without knowing it, you are judging every single person you see or know every second of your life. you judge them on the past, on expiriences together, and on preconseptions. in this moment, we do not know anything about anyone else, just their past.
I know that a great deal of people see me as a whore, as an immature lesbo perv, as a lunitic, as a sexual harrassment case waiting to happen. that's ok, I continue to be that person a fair amount of the time, because I too judge myself on my past. I do not allow myself to be released from logic's confines. I know no other way to act. I know not how to just grow up, I've never seen someone who has any example of maturity. 

the fight just keeps on going and going. someday I will be 3D, but for now 2D is becoming pretty much my entire life... freedom. need. 

there is not enough time on this earth to hate, to do anything but love whole-heartedly. you never know how much longer you're gunna have on earth. it's a scary fact. 

questions for me to answer? ideas/ themes/ etc. guess song name and title. check it.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or just comment below. haha. 

<3 <3   

I'm still a little crazy all the time but I can try to hide it.

there was yet another death.
this time it's a little different. he was barely 18. and he died of stomach cancer. WHAT THE FUCKK?? so yeah. really don't know why the world is so cruel. nightwolf, hunn, I know I didn't know you very well and I'm not gunna be a total LG and pretend we were super tight or anything. honestly, I met you in gr.8 and thought you were to cool to hang out with a loser like me. then last school year we had some good moments together at the pit. we shared. lately I've been all deep and shit about stuff like that. from what I saw of you, you were a great person. and from what I hear you were fucking amazing on a skateboard. well shit, you knew ben just through your skateboarding, not from him being your mom's friend's brother. that takes skills to know a skateboard company's owner. I wish I had gotten to know you a little better, maybe had some good time of our own, not just breathing the same air but not really speaking to each other.


all the death lately has made me think about my own death. if I were to die would I be happy with my life? no. I honestly wouldn't. I have way too many people that hate me right now. I just want peace. I fucked around both literally and figuratively a lot in my past, and I can't take it back, just hope I can fix it somehow. other than that I'm pretty ok with the way my life has turned out.
also, when I die, I don't want a funeral. I just want a crazy ass party. where people just remember and do things I would be doing if I were there.... like hitting on random chicks and stuffing my face with yummy food. I'd want everyone to just have a good time. and then once the official party's over, just have a cremation. cause burials are nastyyy. bugs and crap eating away at my rotting flesh does not sound good at all.
one of these days I'm going to write out notes to everyone who has affected my life in any way. it could take a couple months, but whatever. it is something I want to do at some point.

*insert extreme peace and cheeseyness here*

so there. I really just want pease and love and shizz. and then death to just go away and stop happening to people I know. because that is NOT fun. thank you.

yesterday was international woman's day. woot.

on that note... any ladies want to be fucking awesome and chill with me. let me know. cause girls are fucking gorgeous. in general, pretty much every single one of you out there is beautiful in your own way.

if you guys have any questions for me to answer, any topic or such for me to use in here, or you wanna guess the songs from my post titles, let me know.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or just comment below.

<3 <3

when you're in black slacks with accentualing offwhight pinstripes.

the Laramie Project. fucking amazing. I mean, the movie is epic, but the play that it was derrived from: GAHH!! the lines are amazing, the characters make me want to cry they are so well portrayed. the only problem with this performace of it is the lack of theatrical stuff. there was no makeup. there weren't enough in the cast, so there were costume changes onstage distracting from the story. and there were a few ESL kids who had trouble with getting the lines out, let alone with emotion. but it was a high school performance, and pretty good for one. and being able to pull off such an emotional play with a high school cast is brave. it's was beautiful. I would have loved to get in on it, take on a few roles, help out with directing (because sone of it was a bit sloppy), try to get it to be the least distracting possible in changes, and fun stuff like that. although it is kind of late. just hope the one I'm writing turns out half as emotive as that. hoping my actors can portray the thoughts to be enough. hoping no one takes things the wrong way. 

tired of fucking tests and projects. had a Japanese project due today. tomorrow is a physics test. wednesday I have kanji test, math quiz, and socials unit test. and finishing the key project. hoping there's nothing on Thursday or Friday. 

theatre has become so much of my life.. and queerness. gunna try and make a career out of being queer. I'd love to do lgbt counselling, but I can't take psych. so acivist??

really wanting to make a change. maybe go around to schools spreading stuff about how ist ok now. 

just tired in general. so much to do, not able to move prop

need to make moneyyy.

questions?? topics/ ideas??
figure out the whole songs thing. hit me up:
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment below.

<3 <3  

I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck.

wellwellwell.
today. well, I guess yesterday by the time this is up...
anyways, last driving lesson. into vancouver. coming back into richmond some bitch decided to not stop at a stop sign, not use her signal, and cut me off when I had the right-of-way so I almost hit her. richmond drivers... kinda scared to test for my N, not that it will really be that soon since spring break is full. rawrrr. really just want a truck and my N so I can actually have a life and go places and see friends.

oh. and it was my grandparents' anniversary, so spent almost all day just waiting to go out for dinner, and actually eating. gotta say, squash with cinnamon is like CRACKKKKK. and nom for lychee jelly and whatever the write jelly stuff that kinda tasted like rice pudding was. GAHHH that was good. and just so everyone knows it was also oreo cookie's birthday XD

I think I will just look up random trucks that are for sale in my area.. because I'm cool. and all my friends seem to be getting cars and I just really need to be able to get the fuck out of here whenever I want. wayyy too much to handle most of the time.
http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/rch/cto/2250960266.html
this is just fucking gorgeous. crappy mileage.. but it's sooooo pretty.
http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/rch/ctd/2248648391.html
but there's no way I can afford this awesomeness :'(
http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/rch/ctd/2248147552.html
I could have sex with this one.. maybe. GAHHH prolly has crap mileage or something to be cheap enough :(

well that was depressing... fuckk. never mind that until I has some money. which means job. which means failing at school a little more. which means more fights at home. which means spending more time at work to get away. fuckkk yeahhh.

will go die in a hole of sleep now. thank you.

ideas, topics, questions, guessing song quotes and all that shizz send to
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or just comment below.

<3 <3

she doesn't know whho I am, and she doesn't give a damn about me.

went to these kids wear crowns. at metro. was good to just get out and do something for once, even if my mom was there almost the whole time and I didn't really know the songs they did. and soy chai lattes always make my day better :) drove out to metro without too much help with directions. and then drove from tsawwassen home. and made it back a minute before midnight... which is when I can't drive anymore because I only have my L. hoping to get in soon for my driving test, spring break is full so hopefully soon after. last driving lesson tomorrow.. or next week. depends if my instuctor has his teaching license renewed or not.. should check my email to see if he said anything...

anyways. epic fucking movie. if you haven't seen ink, go see it. (and yes it isn't very well known. dunno if you can even get it in video stores..) it's about dreams and the afterlife and stuffs. it's beautiful. and even though it's confusing as hell in the beginning, once you figure it out it is love. another good movie that makes you think. :)

and that was after watching Scott Pilgrum again. hehe. it's just awesomesauce. Ramona. roxie. nom. even envy is cute. gahhhhh. need to read the graphic novels. 

feel like I should be doing something artsy this weekend. prolly not doing anything. maybe finish hw. hopefully learn my lines for sketch for drama. maybe study for my two tests. and then prolly go out for my grandparent's anniversary. fun shizz. 

ooooooooh. so. band that I decided I quite enjoy as of today? mumford and sons. it's like epic folk music. and I love it. makes me want to just dance and be happy and love everyone. fuckkk yeahh :) 

only injured myself like... 4 times today. worst was slamming my shoulder into my dresser as I passed by, not so smart. surprised it didn't bruise, it's just really red. then again I hit the bone. rawr. painful shit. wonder if it will actually turn into a bruise in the near future. if there has to be the pain I could at least get a nice big, black bruise to make me look cool and tough. I know I'm a fucked up dork. 

tsawwassen kids. gotta say. running across 56st right infront or a car with a 17 year old driving at 11.30ish pm whilst wearing almost completely black and dark blue. not fucking smart in the least bit. *facepalm*

questions for me to answer? ideas/ themes/ topics for me to incorporate? guess my post title's names?
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment

<3 <3 

now the only thing I've come to trust is an orgasmic rush of lust.

the world is just annoying. people are just stoopid. why can't people stop hating everything that is different? personally, I find life to be a pointless line of banging heads against walls to try and gain some 'success' if you live it their way. I just want to have fun, not take this bullshit so seriously, and do something meaningful, because really, who gives a flying fuck about money? as long as there's enough to afford the basics and a little extra to be able to give loved ones little things. it's fucking ridiculous how much this whole race bases things on religion, nationality, gender, sex, height, social status, and all sorts of shit like that.

this is supposed to be a free county. whatever happened to freedom of speech? whenever the majority doesn't like what you say they give you shit for it, sometimes beat you up. what happened to being able to live your life your own way? stray from mainstream and your life is a joke. what happened to being canada? we have so much hate it isn't funny. sexism, homophobia, racism, all sorts of shit.

I want to let go of the past. let go of the failures. let go of the hopes of things that won't happen. it's time to move on.

there is so much imperfection in the world. so much that should be erased, but just isn't. it isn't worth fighting over, just forgetting it ever happened.

everything seems to be fake. there is no real meaning for life. every day dragging yourself around, trying to make sense of it all. everything is based on a lie: human life has to be based on current flow.

as you may be able to tell I have reached the point where I no longer make sense ever when trying and repeating things sounds brilliant. this is why I hate being tired. coffee in the morning would be really nice.

going to some concert in metro tomorrow,  have to drive to fucking burnaby. and I have no clue how to get there. SCARY-ASS SHIT.

weekend is pretty much like heaven right now. no clue what I'd ever do without it. aside from the really gross skin on my face I wouldn't notice.

there are so many other things I wanted to bring up, but I'm fucking tired.

read this shizz.. then ask questions for next day, give topics or themey thing, and guess post title's songs.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or just fucking comment below.

<3 <3

I can't take it alone.

update on downstairs: john's car was brought back on a tow truck at 2.30am
what the fuck is the use of having a dead guy's car at our house?? his son lives in richmond, give it to him. and if you absolutely MUST bring it back here, at least do it at a decent hour, not at fucking 2.30am with annoying-ass bright flashy lights. thank youuuus XD

in other news, today is the 'day of peace'. some guy on facebook made an event to try to get everyone to just live in peace and harmony for at least a day. not say anything (or even think if you can help it) the least bit mean, show everyone some love, talk to people out of the blue and show kindness to them, etc. it really is a beautiful idea. I mean, I wouldn't be able to do it all nonstop for the res of my life, because I, like the rest of the world have been corrupted by hate and self-centeredness and greed and lust and such. everyone has been affected by these at some point or another, as it has become human nature. even the best of us have been exposed and once we've been exposed it's impossible to live life in a completely peaceful way. but for a day I think I can do most of it, and then continue on as much of it as I can. and find a balance where I take the good parts of peace and the good parts of reality, practicality, modern day life.

what I most want to do right now is sit under a tree of a warm, sunny spring day. feel the wind blowing ever so gently. nothing but paper, pen, pencil, pastels, and a beautiful girl to make the world less lonely. I want to show her how beautiful the world really is once you get passed the horrors mankind has placed upon it. I want to lie on my back with her head on my stomach, holding her hand and watching the clouds go by. I want to be free in every way that is good. I want to be able to live without worry of the future. I want to be in the moment. I want to be my own person, not give a fuck what anyone else in the world is doing and just do whatever pleases me at that exact moment.

I want to live the hobo life, just meander to and fro from place to place and rest wherever my feet decide to stop. To actually meet every passerby, listen to their story, share a moment. I want to see the sunset from the top of the world with the one I love. I want to dream as we can only in our first few years of life, before society tells us there is a limit to what we can achieve. I want to spoil those I hold dear, shower them with sweet nothings and experiences never to be forgotten.

as much as in most ways I am not even remotely so, I am very innocent. I like to see the best in the world, in people. I believe it exists everywhere even when it is completely hidden from view. I think everyone can just be nice and play along to make the world a better place, not realizing how much some people are against such things. I can be that small child not knowing the hardships of the world, thinking that everything will be all butterflies and rainbows. the sad thing is, I can feel this even when I've seen some of the worst the world has to offer, well at least this country. I've seen the real world, I've lived it over through their stories. yet I believe in innocence. maybe I'm a dreamer, that would explain why life right now is in this completely dreamlike state. nothing is real, so just fucking believe in the best and live it as if there is nothing else in the world, just there and now. because really, in your mind, that's all there really is..

questions, topics, ideas??
guess the songs from my post titles??
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or comment below XD

<3 <3

no you can't have my number, cause I lost my phone.

sooo. guy that live downstairs' body found in Squamish... where the owner lives, but the owner's in Edmonton. dunno all the details, too many fucking cops going throught the house. it's been chaotic and I haven't gotten much of anything done all day.

so I'm officially failng physics for the term. yayys for 48%

so fucking tired after all the shinanigans. honestly, hard working trying to not be all like..  DEATH AND GLOOM. 

what is death? when we do not know the person dying is means nothing. when we know them it's like it's everything. just want to go around getting everyone's stories so I can try to understand humanity,  

starting to make absolutely no fucking sense. which is ok, cause we're all fucked up. woooot for insanity, 
bahaahaha

really want cookie dough right now. fuuuuuuuu :)

you guys know the drill by now, do send shizz. 

<3 <3 

I just wanted to believe that there was room for me.

really tired of fucking homework.
just make like.. blah.

so I'm too tired to actually writing anything anymore.
if you care about my life or anything that I thought was awesome today... well check my tumblr.
http://nikkioreo.tumblr.com/

and then.. yeah. I fixed a bunch of rainbow bracelets today. it made me happy. and I was unusually stoopid, but my awesomesauce friends still love me.

questions, topics, ideas, guessing song.. you know the drill.

<3 <3

she keeps you dangling, your heart she is mangling.

not sure if I have this exactly right, but close enough. the thanksgiving scene in across the universe.

max: "What will you do? What will he do? Oh, my God, what will he do?" Do, do, do,

do, do. Why isn't the issue here who I am?

Uncle Teddy: Because, Maxwell, what you do defines who you are.
Max: No, Uncle Teddy, who you are defines what you do. Right, Jude? 

Jude: Surely it's not what you do... but it's the way that you do it.

so. does what we do define who we are? prolly not. someone can do something completely stoopid, something that's not like them at all and not have it affect who they are. on the other hand, our jobs, our schooling, our families, and all that shit is what defines us as people in society. it's bullshit, but that's how it works.
does who we are define what we do? most definitely. if you are a certain way you are going to continue to do things your way instead of going off and doing something random. the housewife isn't going to go apply for a job at a lumber yard. the NHL hockey player isn`t going to go and invite his buddies from the team to a tea party he hosts.
or does it not matter what you do, just the way you do it? yes. that's true. like Richard always said, don't half-ass it. do really well, make me proud, or if you're going to fail, fail spectacularly.

gender. seriously, why do we need labels for it? because of fucking society we are born either female or male. we are labeled female or male. we have legal documents saying if we are female or male. we die female or male. it's really sad. society doesn't recognize anything but the two extremes in gender. there are some people who are on extremes like that, others are somewhere in between. some don't even stay in the same spot on the spectrum for more than a few hours. yet there is still so much focus on just the gender binary.
personally, I don't fall anywhere close to the extremes on the spectrum. using the terms female and male I guess I would say I switch between female, male, both, and neither. I can't predict or control when it happens. physically, I am female, yes. but that is different. physicality is sex. emotionally is gender. sex is forever... until you raise the money to change that. gender is fluid, can change at any given time.

doing the dead parrot sketch in drama. STOKKKED!! find it funny how friends asked if I'd be doing monty python at the beginning of the year when I told them my teacher is british. and now here I am. XD ahahaahahaha

once again. any questions, ideas, topics, or guessing of post title's songs, give me a shout.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or COMMENT!!!

<3 <3